A
female
age
41-50,
*endyJ
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. He was married previously but his wife passed away. He told me once he had a threesome when he was younger but I never really thought anything about it. But on the weekend something came up about threesomes and I asked him how he found it (I was generally just curious as I have never been involved with one). He said he didn't want to talk about it. I thought this was a bit odd as we have generally don't have any problems talking about past relationships or things we have done sexually. I kept asking questions and he eventually said that he had a threesome with two prostitutes on his bucks night. He said he was really drunk and his best man had organised it. I was upset and didn't think he was like this. I asked him did he ever cheat again and he said he had a 6 month affair at the beginning of his marriage but he ended it because of the 'guilt'. His wife never found out about the cheating.He has been amazing in our relationship and he hasn't given me any reason to doubt him until now. One part of me thinks how could he do that to someone who he said he loved and will he do the same to me. The other part of me thinks well people do change and it did happen in another relationship along time ago.I'm so confused? I was planning a future with this man.
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affair, drunk, his ex, prostitute, threesome Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2014): Found this searching for a similar topic, see that's it very old now, but reading through it, I just keep thinking: "TWO HOOKERS."
The cheating is awful, and only that would make it a deal-breaker for me. He almost sounds proud that he got away with cheating for six months, and then makes himself sound like a hero for ending it due to his own conscience. What a low person. Sorry.
But the worst is that he has fucked two prostitutes. I don't know you obviously, or what class of society you belong to, but in my world, absolutely no man who has ever spent an evening with not one but TWO prostitutes is not coming anywhere near me. And what kind of friends does he have, anyway? Disgusting.
It would be enough for me to shut the door on this relationship. I would never feel sexy in bed with someone who has screwed with hookers. No way.
The fact that you also say "It was 15 years ago" shows that you are a bit defensive. I suppose that's normal. But see it from the outside looking in. Look after yourself first. I hope you made the right decision, but ultimately that is what you feel comfortable doing. Do update if you see this - good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): Serpico, an adult who gets married shouldn't get one of those "it's in the past" freebies when it comes to cheating. He made a huge commitment and broke it. Disrespecting your wife by being unfaithful and then excusing that betrayal as a "stupid mistake" really undermines his actions. Now if he had came clean to his wife by choice, that would be a different story. But, according to the OP, his wife never found out. So he got a pass with his now deceased wife and the OP should give him a pass too? Who is to say he ever learned his lesson or made any sort of amends? I mean, no one has the right to punish him for his actions, but his past should be scrutinized. Otherwise, the OP might find herself getting cheated on in the future despite the red flags. "It's all in the past" should not trump the risk that "once a cheater, always a cheater."
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (8 April 2014):
What ever happened to "that's in the past?"
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 April 2014):
 I would seriously have a chat about cheating, about expectations, about morals and values.
Who cheats for 6 months in a new marriage? Someone who doesn't RESPECT his wife. He ended it out of GUILT. Not because he knew what he was doing was morally corrupt.
Then he had a 3-some on his stag night? And his FRIEND set it up for him to mess around with 2 prostitutes on the night he celebrates entering into a marriage. Now this I can ALMOST see past because he was without a doubt pretty drunk, but obviously NOT so drunk that he couldn't perform.
I would be really vary of his ability to be faithful.
Just because he hasn't given you any reason to NOT trust him (expect these two past incidents) doesn't mean you can't bring up the subject of being faithful.
This would be a no no for ME - doesn't mean it is for you. Normally I don't believe in holding the past over someone head, but when the PAST shows a pattern, you need to take heed.
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A
female
reader, WendyJ +, writes (7 April 2014):
WendyJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your input. I am really struggling with this one as these events took place about 15 years ago. As I have said he has been such a amazing boyfriend but I don't want to look like a fool if he does it to me and I ignored the obvious 'red flags'. I think people can change if they want to how can I tell if he has?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): Who cheats on the woman he loves not once but with three different women? Who cheats for 6 months at the start of their MARRIAGE?!
Someone who does not love and someone who is not trustworthy. (Love aint got no time for that)
Who marries someone who cheated for the first 6 months of his first marriage?
You can answer that question yourself.
But in my opinion, you'd be unwise to pursue this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): That is what he is telling you...that his wife never found out about the cheating. Maybe his wife really did know.She may have passed away from all the stress this man gave her through the years. Stress can do so much damage to one's body over time.The fact that he likes threesomes tells me he is a pervert too.To me a man's past is an indictor of what he will be like in the future.He cheated on his wife and he could cheat on you. Why would you want to live with that doubt hanging over your head all the time. It's not healthy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): This sounds cliché, but once a cheater always a cheater in my book.
I would be running in the other direction from this man who likes threesomes and cheated on his wife right out of the box.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): I would not trust this man. You had to pry the truth out of him. And even though he could have lied when answering you, it would not make him any more trustworthy. Sure he was young but he was still an adult. He cheated on his wife for SIX months in the BEGINNING of his marriage. Why did it take so long for him to end the affair? He only felt guilty enough to after being a liar for six months? And most people cheat during the later years of marriage when the relationship gets dull (not that it makes cheating more acceptable). Do not convince yourself that your case is different from other infidelity cases. He may very well cheat on you too, but be smarter about it and you would never know. People rarely change on their own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): 'He has been amazing in our relationship and he hasn't given me any reason to doubt him'
That's probably what his wife used to think and say; until one day, she got a niggling feeling that something was off, then she probably changed her statement and said this;
'He has been amazing in our relationship and he hasn't given me any reason to doubt him until now.'
At which point, they carried on together.
As an objective party, I'd say this is a bad sign and the relationship has changed. You can never 100% trust him.
But you love him and you want to believe that he's changed.
I don't know what I'd do in your shoes but I do sympathise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): Dont beat yourself up about this man's past..focus on whats good between you guys.people do change.give him a chance and see.dont judge him based on things he did before he met you.
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