A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I keep getting into relationships that burn out at around 6 months. Afterwards, the guy seems to move on quickly and find their ideal match, and is completely different with the new partner to how they were when we were dating.The usual pattern is things go well initially, there aren't any big arguments or busts ups, they then become more distant, rather than us getting closer. The main issue for me is that the guy doesn't seem to be able to form an emotional bond with me certainly not to the level we fall in love. They sleep with me and enjoy hanging out, even introduce me to their family, but nothing more than that. Something I've noticed is that they seem to act very differently from the start with the next girl. For instance, way more complimentary, going on trips, public shows of affection.. Any ideas what is going on or anything I can do to stop this happening? It can be pretty upsetting for me and I am starting to think every relationship I have with a guy is going to be like this. I would really like to meet someone I can be with long term.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 April 2014):
 My guess is that you hold back BIG time. Which makes them withdraw and it fizzles out in the sand.
Being willing to have sex early on can also make you seem as you aren't really as serious about a relationship. And Most guys enjoy a women who is up for sex, but if he is looking for more... then it's not that strange he ends it after 6 months and go look for a more" serious" relationship.
It might not even BE you. IT might be the TYPE/KIND of guy you are attracted to.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): Well, perhaps asking your exes for an assessment might be asking for a punch below the belt.
If they're with someone else, they really don't want to hear from you. Their new girlfriends definitely don't want to hear from you. You might get their assessment instead of his.
You might do yourself well to just move on, and start fresh.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): OP have you posted about this before? Seems you have.
You're seeing what you want to see. Of course their next relationship is going to seem better because you feel you've failed. You don't have a front row seat in their relationship so the idea that it's better is all in your head.
You know what? Why not get in contact with your exs and ask them for some honest, no holds barred assessments of you as a partner?
Maybe there is something about you that they only see roughly 6 months in, if you ask me it's probably something to do with your obsessive nature and how skewed you view life. I honestly don't get how you feel it in anyway important or a reflection on you what happens after they break up with you. Just move on, stop spying on your ex's and judging yourself based on outside appearance of how well they seem to be going.
If this is what you're like in relationships too, then no offence, but you need to tone it down. It honestly sounds like you need to relax and be more laid back about life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): I don't know how many times this has happened to you; that you've reached this conclusion.
Starting out fresh with you, it was great. So it only follows the next relationship for him will start out well; as it did for the both of you. It may seem he treats them better; because you are looking through the eyes of the person he has left and rejected. You contradicted this opinion by saying initially it more or less, started out the same-way with you.
Different relationships are different. He learned what he didn't want in a relationship the next time around. He avoided finding anyone he thought would be anything like you. As you should do, the next time you find a guy. Make sure he isn't anything like the guy you broke-up with.
Why would you repeat failure by choosing all the "wrong-guy" ingredients you chose the first-time? Does that make any sense?
There is also a bit of a performance going on. To show the ex I can do better. I'm sooooo happy now! Nah Nah Nah!!!
That is to get exactly the reaction that you're giving.
They want to make it look like it was all your fault. So naturally, you feel you're to blame. Maybe you you are, if it happens over and over. I doubt that's the case.
I think you're making an overall observation. Appearances are not always as they seem. Looking from the outside in, you think he raided heaven, and found himself a angel. Wait until she sees the dude you broke-up with! A dick is always a dick! Some do change; but it takes time to change. He didn't become the perfect boyfriend over-night.
If he goes right into another relationship shortly thereafter; she just got part 2 of your nightmare.
If you're in the habit of offering sex right off at the beginning. Many guys will leave once they've had their fill. The relationship was not real. It was dating and sex. You personally declared it a relationship; because they returned for more. They did, only until they found the type of woman they were really looking for.
So maybe you need to learn how to expect more from the men you date, before you give up the goodies. I'm not placing the blame on you. You may be consistently choosing the type of men who are users and players. They are easier to attract.
I note that your age-group is between 30-35, based on the posts I've answered in the past; your post is fairly common. Either you've been recently divorced; or never married. Desperate to find a replacement boyfriend, or a husband. You're past playing games with men.
You may be under the influence of rebound feelings; or you're lowering your standards. You're also looking for love in all the wrong places. Online searching is becoming the norm.
Don't spend your time punishing yourself following-up on the post-breakup lives of your exes; and their new relationships. That's self-torture and none of your business.
You'll do better to be more attentive to your own love-life. Be more selective, take your time getting to know a man before attaching your feelings, hold off offering sex until you know who you're giving it to.
Try dating a man for a fairly lengthy time-period; before you allow yourself to fully attach your feelings and/or commit to a relationship.
You can also work on your insecurities and whatever consistent behavior you can recall seemed to be at play each and every-time you broke-up with a guy. It's easy for women to always point the finger at us. We guys are supposedly pigs and dogs. Well, women aren't all angels either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): I am just bewildered how men think that we have to do the intial sex withholding for THEM. I personally don't care what any man think of my promiscuity. Especially 6 months later to remember how fast it happened? That's just makes no sense. If such a man follows this rule I consider him a fool and not worth my attention. With that said, I believe that not having sex even after infamous 3 dates, is important but for ony one reason: to get to know the person better for YOU to deside whether you want to be with him. I had quite a few disappointments in my early years sleeping with guys too fast not knowing what is this person. I had all different versions: they either dissapeared the next day, or wanted to to be with me, but I , after starting to get to know them didn't know how to get rid of them. It went both ways, equally. Until I met my husband, who I gave couple of months, and was sure he is the one. I didn't sleep with him because I was worried about what he would think of me, I didn't sleep with him, because I didn't want to ran again into some crazy obsessed stocker( happened twice) , or someone who is looking to just score with another woman. There could be all kinds of reasons why they don't date you longer than that, but I think the main one is that you just didn't find your mate yet.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 April 2014):
 I think Maureen hit on what is probably THE MOST important detail: i.e. HOW soon (after meeting) did you first put out for the guy?
It's astounding how that one - seemingly innocuous - detail can either scuttle the budding "relationship"... or can cement it, and give it a future....
See, we guys have a VERY SHORT memory about such matters (as when we first had $*x with a girl...).
If it was shortly after meeting... then we have accomplished out "goal".... and can move on to the next challenge/conquest.
IF we have to wait for that $*x (you hold out for, say, three dates!), then we can EITHER perservere OR look elsewhere. IF we choose to perservere, there's a better chance that we will become a "long(er) term" B/F.... Tho' there is still the risk that we find you so challenging that we will perservere, then bolt, anyway.....
Dealing with (us) men can be a "roll of the dice".... but YOU get to choose the dice and the terms of the roll....
Good luck...
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