A
male
age
26-29,
*matthewsq
writes:Hi, I have been with my girlfiend for over three years since we were 15. The relationship has taken a massive downward spiral over the past few months and I have had doubts about this relationship for around 6 months. She has done many tihings that concern me and I simply am no longer happy.I have been too scared to break up with her though as I do not wish to hurt her feelings even though the relationship is unhealthy and toxic.She is desperate for us to go on holiday and wants us too book it tomorrow but I dont want to go.I feel like I need to break up with her but both of our a-level exams start in less than a week.What should I do?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 June 2017):
 Don't book the holiday just tell her you don't want to. Wait until after the exams so you both have a good shot at them. Then be honest with her and tell her it is not working for you any more. Yes it will hurt her and you may feel upset as well, but in the long run it is always best to be honest to yourself and to her. She will be hurt but she will get over it, as will you. Good luck in your exams.
A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (5 June 2017):
 as honeypie said exam out of the way first. If you think it is best , tell her you need to think about just them and you. Have no time until they are over to make any plans. Then when they are over, clean break.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2017): You should be studying and concentrating on your exams, rather than tied-up in knots over some messed-up teenage relationship.
Some females use playing psycho or a victim, as a means to have their way. It's control and manipulation. Crocodile tears and drama queen theatrics.
It's nothing more than a childish temper-tantrum. Maybe you're afraid of the things she'll do and put out on you?
So here's a challenge to prove the man you are.
If she's not focused on her exams and everything is centered around your failing-relationship; she's likely to fail due to her misguided priorities and lack of commitment to her studies. You're both childish and off-track. If you can't handle your school-work and a relationship; you give-up the relationship, if it distracts you from your academic achievement. Either that, or drop-out and waste time on a poor performance of playing Romeo and Juliet.
You're not afraid of hurting her, you're afraid of the drama and her emotional-outbursts. Man-up and stop making excuses.
If it's a toxic-relationship, you're already hurting each other. Toxic usually means a lot of verbal-abuse and violent behavior. You're afraid of the out-bursts of anger and scenes she is sure to cause. Well, you can't always get an easy exit from something bad. You have to abruptly get-out.
Students your age are a parent's nightmare. While you should be focusing on your education and your future careers; you're wasting time and money. Delaying your future being side-tracked with immature messy relationships that offer nothing but distraction. Your grades mean passing your courses, and that is the only way you will obtain your degree.
Time to grow-up. Stop dragging-out the inevitable.
You're rationalizing and making an excuse for your fear of her. What's she going to do, throw a tantrum? You should be pretty used to that.
If she has mental-health issues; let her and her parents deal with that. You're not her husband. All you're receiving for sticking-by her is misery, feeding more poison into a bad relationship; and you both might fail your exams.
You should hand her her walking-papers. Be a man, and end the bad relationship; and whatever happens happens. You'll have to weather the storm and let her go through her bag of tricks and manipulations until she exhausts herself.
Meanwhile you should be locked-away and buried in your studies. What if you fail your exams?!! How about hurting yourself and disappointing your parents? I guarantee she will get-over you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2017): If you're unhappy and you know the relationship isn't going anywhere, then you need to break up with her. I know you're concerned about hurting her feelings, and that's fine, but you shouldn't feel so bad that you have to force yourself to live a lie. In the end, the hurt will pass and you'll both be in a better place, which is to not be in a fake relationship.
So the only thing left is, when to do it. I would just wait one more week until exams are finished, just so you can concentrate on doing well. If the trip is mentioned, just tell her you need to concentrate on exams for now and you won't discuss it until after. Stand firm. Once you're broken up, you gotta go no contact.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 June 2017):
 Do you think she will do BETTER on her A-level if you don't dump her til AFTER the exams?
If so, I actually think that is a considerate and the "better" choice. BUT I would let her know that until the A-level exams are over you won't have much time to spend with her, basically distance yourself a bit. It doesn't sound like the NICEST thing to do, but you get a breather and room to decide if you are TRULY done or not.
If she brings up booking holidays, tell her you can't commit to anything till after A-levels. It IS a white lie, but again IF you are looking to "spare" her feelings until AFTER the exams you might as well include this in the little charade - and yes, it IS a charade.
I know some won't agree with this "game plan" but I have seen how a break up at the "wrong" time can affect people deeply. And NOT breaking up for a WEEK, well it won't matter in the bigger picture IMHO.
Personally, I wouldn't want to feel responsible for her to fail or do badly at exams because you NOW want out. While the RESULTS of her exams is FULLY on her, my guess is she is an emotional person who might be affected by this.
I would NOT, however, wait any further than the day after the last exam. It needs to be done. YOU have already checked out of the relationship, you are ALREADY done - she is still CLUELESS. So don't DRAG it out either.
You CAN'T end a relationship and not cause SOME emotions in your soon-to-be former partner AND in yourself. For her, it might be hurt and for you, relief. The band-aid reference comes to mind. The FASTER you rip it off the less it hurt, or rather, the sooner you can work on moving on. BOTH of you.
However, you CAN'T continue a relationship that you KNOW isn't working and you KNOW is toxic. It's not doing HER any favors OR yourself.
If you don't think breaking up will REALLY affect her and her exams, DO it now. BREAK up TODAY.
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