A
male
age
41-50,
*nonymus2012
writes:Hi, ive been with my long distance girlfriend for almost 3 years now and i think is time to close the distance. Its time to pop the question.However... We live in continents apart and we are citizens of diferent countries.we have a 13 years age gap, she is about to finish college, i run my own business and we take turns to visit each other every three months or so, every visit last for around one month.She wont come to me, she wont leave her family and she want to study a masters degree from her country, in which education is free. Basically if i want to be with her i will have to relocate and learn a new lenguage... And get a job offer and a work permit... Which is difficult to get or work illegally. I explained her how difficult it is to land a decent job overseas without the language and experience from the country. The best way is to get married, after all im moving because i want to spend the rest of my life with her right? She cried, she said that yes, she wants to marry me too...but not now, she is too young. - and she doesnt want to lose me, she doesnt want to break up. What to do? I think i have two options: the first one is let her go and be happy with somebody else at her country or propose and hope for the best, if she refuses to marry me, well, i will understand and wish her luck and move on with my life. We agreed to set a deadline to get together in april when she finishes some exchange program in france. Any thoughts?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 October 2014):
 I know you might not want to hear this, but I think this 3 year fantasy is over.
You KNEW she didn't want to leave her life to marry you. You have had 3 YEARS to learn her language yet, you haven't even begun?
I think in your mind (and it would make the most sense to most people) you thought because YOU are the older, already established and male - SHE should give up HER life to marry and be with you. In in way it WOULD make more sense, because she HASN'T started a career and can honestly get a degree anywhere (however, by staying put she can do it for free, which in turn makes more sense).
She on the other hand, LOVES the idea of her BF who is FAR away, that she misses, fuss over, pine over - but she doesn't LOVE you enough to take the leap and leave what she is happy and familiar with. Family and friends. And YOU aren't SURE you would be ABLE to make to leap to HER part of the world. BUT the biggest problem is, she isn't READY for a SERIOUS partnership THAT IS marriage. And that is what can happen when you have a 13 year age gap. You have been ready for a while, she isn't even close.
THIS is such a First World problem. When people DATE across the globe.
HOW realistic is it for you to totally start over in another country? Besides the PRACTICAL side of this, is that REALLY what you want? And let's say you give up your business, sell your house, rehome your dog, sell your furniture and car move to "wherever" and after 6 months... she decides that you two just don't work in reality. Then what? You need a contingency plan for that. Will you then stay? Go home to nothing? What?
I met my husband on a trip to US. At first I wasn't at all serious, and I told him that - we corresponded through e-mail and chats - for a good 6 months then I visited, then he visited and we finally SAT down together and talked about the possibility of BEING together.
It took a lot of planning. I was the one who gave up career, house, family and friend, car, fishtank! and my whole lifestyle - he gave up living near family and reenlisted in the military (we were planning of living in Germany - a sort of midway point for the both of us) - however as it turned out, he DIDN'T get Germany as his first duty station - so I ended up moving to the US. And we had to change the plans and get married, something I hadn't really considered.
And here we are 18 years later. It worked for us BECAUSE we were flexible, adaptable and well, stubborn.
One of my best friends met a guy from New Zealand while working in Austria, she was there for a year, he was there for 10 more months. After the 10 more months he was due to move home, he proposed and she accepted, however... Once she got home she got a great job and he got a great job in New Zealand. They were both happy BEING with each other, but neither of them wanted to give up their home and family for the other. They spend the next 2 years flying back and forth trying to figure it out. It ended in heartbreak for the both of them, because neither would yield.
If neither of you can really MAKE that plunge, take that leap then END it now. YOU find yourself a woman who is "local" and she ought to look for a guy who is "local" to her.
Sometimes it works out with LDR, sometimes it only works as long as neither has to sacrifice anything.
I think you need to sit down and think LONG AND HARD if you are really ready and willing to give everything up for her. And If you do so, can she support the two of you while you rebuild a career - do you think your relationship can survive what it takes to rebuild, to relocate?
How much time have you each spend in each other's countries? How much time have you two ACTUALLY spend together in person?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 October 2014):
 Well, from the point of view of logic - not that of feelings- it's not like you have lots of options. The possible course of action is one:
- she does not want to marry you, so she is not going to marry you , now or anytime soon
- she does not want to leave you ,so she is not going to leave you of her own initiative
- you can't marry her against her will, but you can leave her against her will.
So, if you can't handle being in an LDR anymore, leaving her sounds your only viable option.
Unless, you can hang in there one or two years more,and use this time to learn her language, and THEN arrange to move there. Learning the language , you should do it anyway , even if she'd marry you today ( which she won't ) ! Being married would solve- in a few months - the priblem of your permanent residency / regular work permit, but who's going to give you any decently paid job if you don't have a decent knowledge of local language ??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2014): How is your relationship when you come to visit? Is it more arguing? Can you see you two still having a great relationship when you move to her?
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