A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:25 years ago i met my hb, he was 10 years older than me and always seemed so grown up and sensible and i needed that in my life, i’ll never regret marrying him , about 5 years ago we had a “showdown” talk about our marriage it had kind of gotten in this strange place where we were more like friends with virtually no sex life to speak off, i was still very young in mind and spirit and he seemed to accept middle age and that he’s days of chasing me around the bedroom were behind him, he was happy with a once a month session and i can’t deny i was devastated and upset that i had no say in my own sex life . So yes like the eternal cliche, i turned to a male friend who was going through the same thing at the time , desperately loved his wife and family but his wife no longer wanted that kind of relationship with him aside from birthdays and Christmas etc, and we started a affair, we always knew this wasn’t love it was pure sex and nothings changed , we’ve never fallen in love we adore each other but it’s not love , despite several times of trying to end things because we hate what we are doing behind our partners backs, we always end up back together, until now i would never had believed that 2 adults had that little control over themselves. i hate myself for it and can’t understand how i can be a strong woman in most things but not this ... the fact he wants me so much is very addictive, i’ve had therapy and have come to the conclusion that’s the hold he has over me, luckily because of the times at the moment we haven’t seen each other in over 6 months but i end up having naughty dreams about him where i climax in my sleep and he’s the same, i’ve never experienced sexual chemistry like it. i want to end it for good but how do you pull away from another person who your so psychically drawn too? i love my husband very much and i want to be a decent wife to him and he deserves that from me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2020): Personally I think what you're doing may be okay. If you are still enjoying a once a month with your hubby, then what is the problem? I'm sure most husbands would prefer your current situation (and to not know about it) rather than losing their wife due to her sexual unhappiness.
If you can't handle the secrecy, maybe you should talk to your hubby about opening up your marriage without mentioning your current trysting. Who knows, maybe he would like to try his luck with other women!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2020): Lots of people cheat and the best acceptable reason is yours and your FWB. Don't beat yourself up. Your guilt is tied to your 6 month drought. You'll probably have natural urges into your 80's. You have a perfect storm, discreet guy with your drive. Be careful, have fun.
PS maybe your husband needs the blue pill. Been there, works great at 70.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (23 November 2020):
 We all have control over ourselves, our actions, what we say and do, and the thoughts we think.
I think all this could have been avoided if you communicated with your husband, rather than jumping into bed with the first person who shows you some attention.
Whether or not you divulge your affair to your husband and empty the skeletons out of your closet is a matter between you and your own conscience. Personally I could not move on with someone and keep looking them in the eye knowing what I had done. The right thing to do here is be honest with your husband and let the chips fall where they may.
During the covid times we are in would maybe be a good time to delete your affair's details, and scrub him out of your life, and work on your self control.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2020): The reason you find it difficult to stop your affair is mainly because you've validated and self-justified it over and over. Having an affair is a premeditated-act. You seek someone, you meet someone, you establish a connection, you try to find some excuse to substantiate and rationalize having sex with each-other; all in spite of the fact you're married. You both had a ready-made and convenient excuse. You don't get enough sex in your marriages.
I'm not condemning you as a person, and this is not a personal-attack. I have no right to judge you; but let me remove the candy-coating from all this; so you will stop looking at it through the eyes of entitlement, or selfishness. We all tend to excuse ourselves to avoid breaking bad-habits; or from removing people from our lives who shouldn't really be there. Then we start to create irrefutable justifications in defense of these errors; or worse, pretending we are too weak to help ourselves. You'll pile-on the BS so high; you'll even start to believe it yourself!
So...here goes!
You've become addicted to the intrigue, enthralled by the secrecy, and you love the adrenalin-rush! You like hiding your dirty little habit. The dopamine-high is out of this world! Cheat-sex is better than regular sex; because it's against the rules! You get-off on knowing that you both share a naughty-secret, and sneaking around. You repeatedly have sex behind your spouse's backs; yet you can look them in their faces, as if nothing is going-on. Their unsuspecting-faces make you feel superior, knowing what they don't know! Oh, that's what makes the forbidden-fruit all the sweeter! Doing the nasty, and then returning to your respective lives like nothing ever happened.
What's rich is trying to give it the romance-novel/soap opera dramatization, to make the whole thing seem less seedy. Cheating is, in and of itself, "raunchy" and nothing more than betrayal. It is a total infringement of trust. It requires a muted or deadened-conscience; and demands lying with or without words. It requires putting on an act of innocence, and perpetuating a façade of faithfulness. If you call it for what it is!
It taints the love you claim you have for your spouse. The love is no longer true; because you hide the fact you're sleeping with another man. How much would he "love" knowing you're doing that?
Time and time again married-cheaters explain how much they love their spouses. They claim how much they can't stop the cheating! It's this compulsion they have, that just keeps bringing them back to whomever they're having an affair with. They always swear they just can't help themselves! That is the biggest lie you two will ever tell yourselves! You haven't been caught yet, so why give it up?
You do it to stick it to your spouses. You do it because you get pleasure out of cheating behind their backs. You do it because there's a twisted thrill of wondering when or if you'll ever get caught? You almost want to get caught; so you continue cheating, hoping maybe somehow you will! Just to see what that would be like. It's the same impulse that compels you do something you know will hurt like the dickens, or will give you nightmares. Like watching a marathon of horror films. Rubbernecking at a terrible accident on the side of the road; or experimenting with an illicit drug that you've been warned could be lethal, or cause you serious harm. You do it because people find pleasure in doing the very things they know are wrong, or considered a sin; and they enjoy doing it as long as they can getaway with it! It's the titillation of a dare! You're getting away with stabbing your spouses in the back; and nobody has a clue! It's okay, because "it doesn't mean anything!" "We're not in-love, it's just sex!" Those old rusty clichés have been used since the invention of the wheel!
You and your husband took vows of faithfulness and made promises to remain loyal through sickness and good-health. Cheating is a not a remedy to the loss of passion in your marriage. It's cause for divorce. You may as well get one; if your marriage is so futile and unfixable that you see no other possible means to correct that problem. If you can't convince your husband you cannot remain faithful in a sexless-marriage; then the logical and practical thing to do is to divorce him. Then go seek someone who will love you, offer you sex, and give you the whole kit and caboodle! You don't go find another man to be a supplement to your marriage! Thereby keeping all the joint-assets, your house, and financial-security; while you maintain the false-image of a happy marriage. It's not a happy marriage if you're cheating, my dear! If a man doesn't want sex with his wife, there's got to be a reason, or reasons. Either it can be fixed, or it can't. If he doesn't seem to care that she has needs that aren't being met, and his marriage is in trouble; then that's a very big problem. There is no way such a problem can be ignored!
Okay, what should you do? You should just tell they guy it's over, and stop! Go to counseling with your husband. Meanwhile, determine why he doesn't need sex anymore? If there is no medical reason, that doesn't mean there isn't a problem!!! If he's okay without sex, and you're not; you may as well tell him you've been cheating, and divorce him. When he catches you cheating...and he will; he is going to divorce you anyway! When you've gotten away with something for so long; you'll tend to get sloppy. Either that, or you'll become overwhelmed with guilt. It catches up with you! Maybe you don't feel the guilt now; because you're having too much fun, and your conscience is in sleep-mode. The irony would be, to discover your hubby is also having an affair! Now wouldn't that be something?
If sex means so much to you; then why risk being discovered and facing all the possible consequences? You say you can't give-up your sex-buddy. That means you've given-up on your husband. You simply want to hang-on to all the fringe-benefits of marriage, and avoid any losses that come with divorce.
Now mull over these words; and what the other uncles, aunts, and readers have said. You'll reach a decision. You don't love your husband; if you can cheat on him, while knowing how much it might hurt him. If that doesn't deter you, what will? I can't wrap my head around how cheating is any alternative to divorcing someone, when a divorce is likely if you're caught cheating?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 November 2020):
 Maybe you both TELLING your spouses what you did will be the "ultimate" nail in the coffin of this "affair"?
I mean taking ACTUALY responsibility for it? Owning it?
Yes, it will DEVASTATE your spouse and his to know this, but you already decided that you didn't CARE.
Self control is harder when there are no consequences. Think about people who re-offend. If all they get is a slap on the wrist there is no need to that self control, other than to manage "damage control".
You had the option to LEAVE your husband when HE decided that monthly sex was all he was willing to give you and share with you. To cheat was a choice. You can't BLAME your husband for the choices YOU made.
Why is that NOW you want to be a decent wife? Why not BEFORE you got naked with someone else? Cheating is not a BAM! it "just" happened. It's a series of choices. You could have nipped it in the BUD at any point in that series of choices. You could have TOLD your husband HOW HIS choice to no longer want/need/desire sex with you made you feel and made you WANT to do.
This is not just a "self control issue" -it's a "take responsibility" issue.
Is the reason you NOW want to be a decent wife, that you think it's more and more likely that you could get caught? That the affair is no longer quite as exciting as it once was?
I think you have a lot of thinking to do. And a whole lot of choices to make or not make.
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