A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Last month, I ended a two year relationship with a guy who wasn't bad, but it just wasn't going to work out. It was a long distance relationship, and we were having issues seeing each other regularly. Both in our mid 20's, but I'm in school since I started late and he's already a grad. He mutually agreed the relationship was going south, but that we should remain "best" friends.A part of me doesn't mind remaining friends, but at the same time I feel like I need to distance myself from him. There are still feelings there and, since we are no longer together, these feelings need to die off. So, while I have never turned down chatting with him, I've not been initiating any contact.But he has. Almost every other day he messages me the same thing: "you ok?" to which I respond, "Yes, how're you". Oddly enough, half the time he doesn't respond back so I don't go chasing. But today we did talk for a while. He started off with saying he was sad we had not been talking much, and that he lost a big part of his life that he had for two years (the relationship with me). He also asked if I would ever be interested in moving closer to him, and said maybe this doesn't have to be the end of our relationship. The thing is, at one point I absolutely would have moved to him after school, but now I want to go my own path. I tried to flip the tables and said, "well, you could move here you know... I'm in school and you would have an easier time moving here" to which he more or less said... no way...I think he was starting to feel that I was getting a bit snarky. He said, "I don't think I'd ever do a long distance relationship ever again." I said, "I definitely wouldn't".I know, at least I hope I have enough common sense in the future to know, that I will never be in a relationship with this guy ever again. But he has some nerve to want me to move to him so we can I suppose rekindle something, but isn't willing to move to me! Then he talks about traveling and such... He never put that much effort into traveling to see me, which irked me quite a bit. I was always the one making the plans. He would make plans to travel elsewhere, never to me.I'm thinking I should limit talking to him by... like a lot. Then he will complain we never talk anymore. But he's my ex and I need to heal! I want to date, start new relationships! Oh- and in our convo he asked if I got "lucky" when I went to a bar last week. Why would he ask that?! None of his business! I want to distance myself, but he does make a good friend and I don't want to tear what we do have to pieces by telling him to bugger off. If I tell him I need space, then he might feel I'm pushing away and may be hurt by this.I just don't know what to do anymore... anyone have some advice? I'd appreciate it.
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male
reader, lawncare  +, writes (28 April 2015):
 You sound like a reasonably thoughtful person who is still exercising a degree of respect and honour toward a previous partner and I think that this is decent and laudable. With that caveat, and the additional caveat that I have been in the position of your ex, I must advise this: break off contact completely.You nearly hit the nail on the head in your 7th paragraph. You are ready to date. That means moving on. Do you think your ex is emotionally ready to hear that you might have met someone, be having good sex, be ready to introduce to the parents. Because in my experience, that is how friends discuss relationships - in detail, without risk of judgement. What you would be having is a contest to see who can best walk on eggshells.This isn't a criticism of him. One person always moves on quicker. One person is usually still one foot in the past. The worst thing you can do is enable his wallowing and his self-pity by giving him any suggestion that you might still want to be with him.You could be friends again, one day, when you have both realised that other people have the capacity and capability to make you happy. Right now, every conversation in which you censor yourself is living a lie and damaging the relationship you have, whether you can see it or not.
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