A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hi aunts and uncles, its been awhile since i have wrote and asked a question. first off, im doing sooooo much better now since my divorce. my husband had left me for a woman in her early 20s and he was later 40s, and he had a baby by her in june. anyway, just wanted to ask if anyone who went through this had a hard time getting back out in the dating scene. my problem is, is that im lonely sometimes and i think i want to date but when i look at another man i physically get sick. i dont know if im just afraid to meet new guys because of being hurt again. i know i do have trust issues. i tryed the internet dating sites. alot of them, when i start to talk to a guy i think might be ok, he gets perverted. im not that kind of lady, and dont think things like that are acceptable so i delete them. but it seems like all guys are just out for sex these days. maybe ive been off the market for too long and just dont know how to date anymore. i was married for 12 years, but with my ex for a total of 21 years. should i just give up on finding the one for awhile. im ok with being by myself, i mean i dont have to wash clothes, or cook, or worry about anyone but myself. im not a bar type lady either. i work full time, and on my days off im usually trying to take care of bills, and errands i dont have time to really look for anyone. my mother has told me, God has someone great for me and it will happen when i least expect it. but im not getting any younger im 47 and think i have gotten my share of loves. do you believe that we are meant only to have a certain amount of true loves in our lives. i really do want someone who would treat me better than my ex treated me, who would appreciate all of my gifts. thanks for any answers. and thanks for all of your help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2013): I am the same age as you and I am divorced too. It is hard dating at my age because a lot of the men are out for one thing and Intrigued3000 mentioned the weirdos, pervs, the guys who want to be taken care of financially, the guys with no ambition. My list is the ones who have no guts to go after a real woman, the ones who ignore your texts, phone calls, con artists, drunks, or whatever they are pretending to be at the moment. You have been through a lot and you are a strong capable person. A lot of men always think that there is something better out there and when they get bored there start looking for something else. You should focus on you and do something out of the ordinary. I started going to karaoke and singing cause I like to sing. Giving others advice helps me a great deal too. When I read your post I could totally relate to your situation. When I start talking to men I think that I am alright but then something goes wrong all the time and I get this sick feeling. I have been focusing on my looks a lot lately because I notice those little things when you are in your 40's like the little grey hairs and the aches, but through all that I still got compliments on the dating sites and it does make you feel good. But I am finding that lately they don't have a lot of good men on them. In my spare time being that I am retired, I keep my nails nice, get my hair done, keep my weight down,exercise, buy bubble bath and a new outfit. I have never had a real vacation either and it's nice to get away or go to a retreat around other women. Just thought I would mention that. So I wish you the best and lots of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2013): Having that marriage behind you put you is enough for now. Breath and let yourself move forward.
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reader, human_male  +, writes (10 September 2013):
 I think a dating site is the last place you should look.
Maybe just concentrate on making friends. If you meet some nice guys friends it might help you get over the strong feelings you have when you come to realise not all men are bad and are going to hurt you. Then when you're ready maybe something will develop with one of them.
Don't rush things. Just concentrate on getting out, meeting people, talking to people and making friends.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2013): Thank all of you very much for your replies.yes i did get on the dating sites to boost my ego. it felt good to see and know that i was not as ugly as i felt. you see i have never been single, ive been a mother, wife, cook, taxi, gardener, laundry mat, waitress, counselor, maid and the list goes on when you are married. so i never knew me, or what i wanted or what i needed, i was always about what everyone else was. im finding it hard at this age to discover who i am and what i want. i know i want what everyone else does a good life to be happy friends and family around. i know who i am basically a person who is good to all who works hard at everything she does, who longs for love and respect. money is good but its not the answer to everything. my ex once asked me who are you. i told him a kind hearted woman who cares about everyone, im pretty, im smart, and i work hard. he said thats not the answer what difines you? im waiting for you to find yourself. i just told him i know who i am. it seems to me you are the one who needs to find himself. and figure out what you want. than i said oh i think you already did a girl half your age and a son. funny how he told me life isnt all about being married and having a family, when that is exactly what he got and left me alone. hahaha. i have family and friends that have been a great support system, and without them and you all as well i would have gone crazy. but i made it, im not as happy as i want to be, but i know time will help. i pray every night for strenth to make it another day. i have gotten closer to God. and always keep in my head what my sister always says. let go let God, and this too shall pass. two great sayings. its a scary place out here not knowing if you can make it without someone in your life, financially speaking, i dont want to be a bag lady LOL... but i do pray that God removed this man for a reason, and that i will get a much better one in his place. and even if i dont i know it is what God has planned and i will go on. i pray that all of you continue with your guideance with helping others and that each of you are blessed each day for your kindness and open minded opinions on this site. thank you once again, im sure that i will be speaking to you all again. God bless you
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reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (10 September 2013):
 You should watch this Woody Allen movie called, "You will meet a tall dark stranger". You will howl with laughter when you see some of the experiences that an ex husband goes through when he chooses to marry a much younger woman.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2013): We're glad to know you are doing so much better since your divorce, that is a good first step.Everything you are sharing is normal for someone who went through what you have. Kudos to you for being so resilient and strong.Being lonely is not just about not having your partner there anymore. Even people in relationships can experience loneliness at one point or another, when they are feeling unfulfilled or going through life changes as individuals.Feeling physically sick when you look at another man is your body's way of saying you're not ready. Your mind may want to move on, feeling lonely is forcing you to move on, but your heart is not ready. It's natural to be scared and fear being hurt again especially after what you went through, but it happens to everyone. We have (most of us) been through relationships that didn't end well at one point or another, and it helped us learn things about ourselves, about the opposite sex, about what we will or will not tolerate, it helped us define what we really wanted, and it made us grow. Most of us then take these insecurities to our next relationship, but every person is different and every couple dynamic is different, and it's how that is addressed, that makes the difference between healing and moving on, or just having a rebound relationship and more of the same.Talk as much about what happened as you can, so that you can process it, get over it and heal from it. Avoiding it won't make it go away. Release your feelings and even consider divorce courses, or find forums online where you can share your experiences with others. Sometimes we think we are over it, but we realise there is more work to be done. You don't want to take these issues to the next person, if possible. You can share what happened, but they don't have to suffer for your ex husband's mistakes.Well done on the internet dating sites - it's something that will help you gauge what is happening out there today. You can make friends and just see how the opposite sex thinks. Get their opinion on things, relate to them, and re build your confidence.Unfortunately you will experience many duds, but for the one or two friends you can make, even just online, it can be worth it. I myself did this when I was between relationships, and even though the guys I made friends with were not options due to age or religious differences, etc. it boosted us up by encouraging each other through the journey, you knew someone out there was thinking of you and wishing you strength, and you had fun meeting new people. Seeing as you don't sound ready to meet in person and date, just use the online dating to get to know guys. Make them work - by talking only ;-) About their life, their work, their interests, their purpose in life. It will keep you busy, you will be having fun weeding out the weirdos from the potentials, and who knows, one day when you are ready, one of the potentials will suddenly look very attractive to you and you won't feel sick anymore ;-)Don't put all your hope on internet dating though. Sure, many have met that way, many even married, but there are many ways to meet men. However, the best way seems to be: when you are not looking. Meaning, you will be so busy with life, enjoying what you are doing, that when THE ONE turns up, you will not even realise it and it just HAPPENS ;-)Definitely don't go into this with the aim of finding THE ONE. That will reek of desperation, irrespective of whatever reasons. We all want love, we all seek it. After all, everyone wants to love and be loved.Go in with the aim of meeting and making man friends - nothing more, nothing less. I know you want a permanent relationship, with THE ONE, but you don't find it looking for it. It finds you. He will find you.So you need to carry on with your life, do everything you love to do. Hobbies, interests, etc. Do things because you love to do them, not because you hope to meet someone - that is ulterior motives. Pursue whatever you enjoy and one day when you least expect it, someone will turn up.Enjoy the freedom of being single, there are advantages to it. No accountability, no compromise, just do whatever you want, whenever you want. See whatever shows you want. Look after yourself. Have me-time. You have all the freedom in the world ;-) nothing is as good as having a partner, let the record show, but both being in and out of a relationship has it's advantages and disadvantages so what I'm saying is, make the best of where you are at now. It won't be forever.Enjoy your work, give it your best, find new challenges.I agree with your mom! When you least expect it, it will happen.Don't worry about your age, it's just a number! You were married, now you are not, and you are at the starting block again ;-) more wise, more wary but also more experienced and ready to face what may come.I believe all of us have capacity to love and love and love. After all you have gone through, I pray you will have someone who appreciates you for who you are, your talents and gifts, and will spend forever with you making you happy, and vice versa. BlessingsMiss P
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reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (10 September 2013):
What a great question! I feel the same as you. I've had my share of loves in my life, and I'm not so sure about any future loves. My girlfriends and I were discussing this the other day. We're all in our 40s-50s and it seems like we're not willing to settle for crap anymore. We're all still trying to date but this is what we're encountering: Men who just want to hook up, men who have no ambition and want to be taken care of financially, weirdos and perverts, married men pretending to be single. We all have a good laugh about our dating experiences over a glass of wine. I find that I'm having the most fun with my girlfriends. We go camping together, dancing, travelling, road trips...things that you would normally do with a companion, I experience with my girlfriends. We share our experiences, talk about our hopes and fears and it's a great support system when you're by yourself. I would highly recommend that you spend a lot of time with your friends during this cooling off period. Forget about dating for now. You'll know when the time is right again.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 September 2013):
 What are your hobbies? If you have an old hobby you haven't done in a while, look for a class in your area, while you will learn something new you might also met new people.
Do you have a group of friends? Then go out with them (and I don't mean bars, but for dinner, movies, plays, whatnot).
Do you like to hike or study birds? Then find a local group and go out with them.
See what I'm getting at?
Don't sit at home and wait for a new man to show up.
And honestly, I don't blame you for not wanting to deal with dating sites.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2013): You are doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for!!! I actually remember your story. Yes, there are a lot of idiot men out there and in reality there is only a small percentage of quality men who are actually looking for someone to eventually get into a relationship on the dating sites. Be careful which ones you choose and be clear about what you are looking for. Make sure your profiles do not look like you are a 40's party girl looking for a hookup because that's what you will attract for the most part. Most men only look at pictures and contact anything that appeals to them without actually reading about who and what they are. It's frustrating but you can quickly weed out the less than quality men.As far as how you are feeling...well, it might very well be too soon for you to jump in the pool yet. Your ordeal would be difficult and it certainly wouldn't hurt to go and talk to a counselor and sort it all out. It's important to remember that what your ex-husband did was not your fault or your doing...his character as a man is shallow and less than honorable. Its unfortunate you had to learn this about him that way, but down the road you will come to realize he did you a favor because someone much better is out there for you. Try not to hold all men at the same level as your ex-husband. If you do, you will remain guarded and have a brick wall so high, nobody will ever be able to break it down. Take the time to get to know a guy if you do find someone you connect with. Keep it casual, spend some time with simple dates and give these guys a chance. Don't share your ordeal and keep it positive. If a man is really interested in you, he will do the same and not be out for only sex.
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