A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I hate starting these off but basically I'm 17, I have only ever had 1 boyfriend and that's because I'm a carer for my mum and sister, my mum has COPD and my sister has cerebal palsy. Over the past few weeks I've started developing a crush on this guy in college. I really want a relationship but I know I won't be able to handle one as well as looking after my mum and sister. My last relationship ended as my mum didn't like me spending time with him. She thought it was too much and wanted me to spend more time with her and my sister and look after them. It has started to really upset me and depress me as I just want someone to hold me and make me feel better (as cliche and cheesy as this sounds) Any ideas or advice on how I can go about this situation?
View related questions:
crush Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (31 December 2012):
 Hi
Well good luck, it may take time to get things organised but once you've seen your GP, asked about Respite and some help with the caring, the ball is rolling,time to be firm with everyone for your own sake. x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno 'oldbag' my parents split up 7 years ago. I used to have my nana to help me but she got really ill and since coming out of hospital she can't help with anything as she will probably end up back in hospital.
Thankyou both for your answers, it's really helpful and I will be sure to look for help!
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (30 December 2012):
Hi
I agree with Abella's excellent answer, you need to sort out help and get some respite organised.
Contact your GP asap and ask to get Social Services and anyone else possible to help you.You need to explain that your getting depressed that you need help sometimes.
You are doing so well by coping with College and the caring its alot of responsibility and its no wonder you want a cuddle. You can see at college the others your age being carefree,dating etc so it doesn't help your situation.
When you do date - your boyfriend will need to be special and your Mum must understand you need to be 17, you need some me time too. Its hard for all of you but please take some steps to reduce the burden.
Is your Dad not around or other family members?
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (30 December 2012):
 Respite? Is that a term you are familiar with? Because if you do not get a little respite on a regular basis you will burn out. You are already feeling the pressure, I can see that.
The people you care for may be Very resistant to any mention of Respite. Well respite is not about nor for them. Respite is for the carer. Respite is about supporting the carer and allowing the carer to recharge their batteries.
The longer you are a carer the more essential it is that you get regular Respite time away from being a carer.
Trying to be a on-call 24 hours a day over 7 days every week for 365 days a year is far too big a burden on any one. It is unsustainable without Respite.
Anyone who has never been a carer has no idea of the pressures of being a carer. Most people being cared for also underestimate how demanding the role is.
If your health deteriorates then that compromises your ability to be a carer.
Can you consult with your local Citizen's Advice Bureau on what options are possible under the system in your country?
Are there groups where carers who are predominantly teenage carers can share tips and give each other support.
Sometimes when people are being cared for they can start to forget that the carer
has a right to a separate life too.
As you are younger you may not have thought there was any need to negotiate these things with your mother.
But without some 'me' time every week and a slightly longer break every three months, then the burden of caring will grind you down.
Do not allow any remarks that try to impose 'guilt trips' on you. You Do have a right to a separate life, some of the time. That is Not too much to ask.
Remain assertive and respectful, but firm. Your resolve to also have a life of your own is not unreasonable. It is healthy to want this. In fact it compromises your health in the future if you are denied this basic human right to some time for yourself. So stay calm, but do find out how to best support you.
Sometimes a person being cared for can even become resentful - to the point where they are so demanding that they forget to ever say thank you. I hope that never happens to you.
But if it does then you need a strategy. IF it ever occurs, then never feel guilty about sitting down with your Mother or sister and letting them know that an occasional thank you would be appreciated. Just because you are well nd they need your care - does not mean that you ever have to put up with overly demanding or even nasty remarks. Very nicely but firmly deal with such actions at the very moment these things occur.
As a teen carer please investigate what support options exist. Doctors are often inept at understanding this need.
Whereas Social Workers are often far more aware of the options available.
Look at it this way - by you caring for your mother and your sister you are saving the NHS really big bucks. The government knows this.
Ergo it stands to reason that the government would want you to continue proving that good quality care.
The trade off is that you should have available to you some regular respite care that you can access for your mother and sister. If a local Social worker nor the CAB know of such programs then inquire with your Social Services.
Try to negotiate at least a four hour break for you at weekends and some additional time mid week just for you, even if you need to find out what help is available to allow you to do this..
Then every three months the best option would be a whole week off, just for you.
Anyone in your local Citizen's Advice Bureau may be able to give you advice on how to access government funded Respite programs for carers of people. Respite is to give you total break from caring.
As far as dating - your wish is very understandable. Start off by spending time with friends. Take it slowly.
Any potential Boyfriend you find will need to be a very special guy. One who is understanding, and has respect, compassion and empathy for your situation.
My good wishes to you.
...............................
|
