A
male
age
36-40,
*ufusking
writes:Hello allI did something very bad, and I'm quite ashamed of itI had sex with a girl who has a boyfriend.Sure, that happens all the time, but this girl...well...I work with her boyfriend, and I also work with her mum.idiot? yep i know, the guilt is actually driving me crazy too so I'm both stupid and anxious.My question is whether or not i should tell the boyfriend that it happened.Here's the rundown...Girl texts me out of the blue one day which kicks off a friendly back and forth conversation which went all day every day for several weeks.The conversation started getting flirtier and dirtier as time went on, at which point I should have stopped it, but I wasn't thinking too clearly and was getting carried away with how good it felt.boyfriend and mum were both cool with the amout of attention we were giving each other and did not suspect a thing the whole time.I started to notice i was falling for this girl, and she for me as well and one weekend me, boyfriend, the girl, and a few other got really drunk.Nothing happened that night, and the next day we hung out all day.The day after that she calls me to hang out more so I go to see her.After a while I notice tension really building and that things are heading down the "a little too flirty" path so I try to do the right thing and I left and started to drive home.she calls me and asks me to come back, i resist and even remind her she has a boyfriend, but that doesn't seem to matter, so eventually i cannot resist anymore and I pick her up, take her to my house and we have the most amazingly intense and mindblowing night of lovemaking either of us has ever had.I'm not kidding.Since then she has fought with her boyfriend frequently, and we have discussed getting together.The mum had suspicions, and she confronted me and I owned up.The mum/my boss was surprisingly cool about it, and even said I'd be good for her daughter.The girl no longer talks to me because she is afraid to hurt her boyfriend and wants to keep him around for comfort/security and when we talk it makes it hard for her to stay with him.I'm not looking to get together with her anymore because its clear that she's insecure and clingy and i don't want another insecure clingy girlfriend.In an effort to confess her guilt, the girl told the boyfriend that we kissed (only kissed). an unintentional kiss that brought up surprising feelings, and the boyfriend went nuts (not surprisingly) but even 4 weeks later refuses to talk to me, refuses to show up to work if i'm going to be there, and will not face me even though i have tried to call him and talk to him and tell him the truth.I have lost him as a friend, i'm ok with that.I have lost the girl as a potential romantic partner, i'm ok with that too.My job is not important to me, so i don't care about leaving.I still respect the mum, and her respect is important to me, and we are comfortable with each other still after all that's happened.So with all that in mind, I'd still like to tell the boyfriend that i slept with his girl. I want to tell him to clear my conscience as well as show him he's being lied to which is a favour for him in the long run i think.I can't tell him directly as it will affect my relationship with the mum, but I can arrange for him to find out through other people not so connected to me. Should I do this? has anyone done this before and how did it work out?Thanks in advance.
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drunk, flirt, has a boyfriend, insecure, she has a boyfriend, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2011): Don't listen to these idiots.This girl doesn't love the guy. Not at all.Say your piece, tell the truth. Then cut them both out. Whether he takes her back, believes you or not, is not your concern.Believe me guilt is a fickle thing... you can never just lie and hope that it doesn't catch up. Because it WILL eat at you, little by little until you cannot take it any longer and you come out with the truth anyway, often in anger and frustration.What use is there to lie? Why lie for this girl? She cheated on both of you and you owe her nothing.Come clean and stop living in lies because once you start lying about these things, you won't stop because you have to keep lying to hide each lie eventually burying yourself with them.As you can tell the only thing I feel is worse than cheating, is lying about it and not making amends. Because that is the most disrespectful and shitty thing you can do to someone legally. It's basically saying that you don't think the cheatee is worth saying no, which is what you SHOULD have done when it came up... said no and broken the friendship up.Sorry for the length, but this guy deserves to know what type of girl he's dealing with before it's too late for him to move on, and what type sham his relationship is.And YOU can then begin to deal with the guilt.This is NOT one of those situations where lying is the best option.
A
male
reader, dufusking +, writes (3 November 2011):
dufusking is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers guys. Candid cally, your answer made me think. As it turns out, I'm not being honest withmyself, or you. As much as I hate to admit it because I feel like a fool, I would love to pursue a relationship with this girl. I've fallen in love with her and I'm trying my hardest to suppress it. And it's not working very well. What can I do?She's with him only because he's a security blanket and I know I already have, and can give her so much more. And the truth is, she's the only girl that's ever made me feel this way and there have been many before. So what options do I have. Should I call her up and tell her how I feel or should I play the game like so many others and try to make her jealous? If I out her with the cheating she'll hate me for sure so I can't really do that, all your responses have convinced me that I should shut up, but now I'm back to square one. I'm not really built to deal with this kind of thing. Thanks for your understanding.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 There are some times in life when it is just a darned good idea to keep quiet. I vote that this is one of them....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (3 November 2011):
You do realize what you want to do has no benefits at all to anyone involved (you don't plan on dating the girl, you aren't now nor do you plan on having a friendship with her boyfriend) and it could cost you your job and the respect of someone you seem to view highly.
Instead of trying to soothe your guilty conscious making everything worse than it already is for everyone involved, you leave it as it is? He knows she cheated with you, why do you feel the need to hurt and anger him even more by ensuring he finds out you two not only kissed, but had intercourse?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 It is not your place to tell this guy that you slept with his girlfriend, I understand that you want to get rid of your own guilt. But it may all back fire on you, as he may not believe you and think you are trying to cause trouble therefore he will only end up hating you as well as his girlfriend hating you as well. You just need to move on from it and learn not to go near another girl that is committed again. Yes I understand you are concerned that he is getting lied to but that is up to them to deal with, stay in your job and just move forward with your life. It is for the best.
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A
male
reader, Htsn47 +, writes (3 November 2011):
 No, don't tell him. No good will come of it, and you'll just add fuel to the fire. You did something wrong but just deal with it yourself - imagine the pain you'll cause him by telling him. If his gf wants to confess to him, she should but you should not be the one doing it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): In my opinion you shouldn't do it, you are trying to alleviate your guilt, and it is only going to cause trouble for everyone else. Chalk it up as a learning experience and leave it at that. She is doing the wrong thing by lying to him, and you both did the wrong thing by sleeping together, but what will it achieve to tell them, nothing, so don't do it. In the end it is your decision, you have to do what is right. Good Luck.
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