A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,How can I find peace and be content? I love my boyfriend very much, and he is a great boyfriend. He is kind, joyous, generous, thoughtful, and considerate. He is respectful and has a wonderful sense of humor. I know he is faithful. He is one of the best and most inspiring people that I have ever met. Furthermore he is responsible and stable. I truly mean the things that I am describing with all of my heart.A little background: He is divorced, and 15 years old than me. I have never been married. I am 25. Also, I was previously in a physically and mentally abusive relationship.He has been married once before and the woman broke his heart. I feel bitter when I think about it. The result was that he developed this unbreakable joy-meaning he appears to be in a constant state of happiness-and no one-including me-can get close enough to have the power to affect him-not that I want to break his heart-but sometimes I question if I suddenly (hypothetically) "disappeared" would he remain in that unbreakable state of optimism? It hurts because I am not like that. I know he has the power to break my heart. It does not feel equal. He does not believe in negative thinking. He goes about his day unaffected by anyone's treatment. Even if I freak out, he will just try to hug me and say something positive, and go a long with his day. Am I normal? Is his behavior normal? Is he more balanced than I am? Am I clingy? It leaves me restless. I wish I could feel peace. Also, our relation is different. We have an easy sense of familiarity, always laughing and playing and joking, which is good, but I guess it's not as it is in love songs and such. There are no stolen kisses behind walls, or moon light sonatas. No lightning strikes. I stress out because I think that he must have felt those kinds of things with his ex wife. Sometimes it feels like the familiarity of a couple thats been together for a really long time. It's just different. I can't stop wondering how he felt about HER. If he had those things with HER.Furthermore, we've been together for about a year now. I get distressed that he is in no hurry to get married again anytime soon. I think the previous experience was overwhelming to him...but I really wish that he will want to marry again, and that he'll want to marry me. I would love to be his Mrs. I see all the happy couples, busy having kids, and I want that too. Sometimes my heart is really hurting that he is not ready, but I wondered if I should just enjoy the time with him and not worry. It feels very hard to be content. Please advise ...Thank you so much
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your advice-especially DOUBLEJACK. I do really think that your insight and that you are in a similar situation, has helped and encouraged me to try to see the positive in my situation. And yes I should really try to enjoy the moment instead of stressing so much...thank you again all
A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (3 November 2011):
I can really relate to this question. I'm 35, was in a terrible marriage, and am presently dating a 28 year old woman who has never cohabited with anyone or been in a very serious relationship. She has had a couple of long term boyfriends, but that can't really give her a basis to compare to my past because I've experienced more than she has. When it comes to personality and chemistry we are great and very compatible, we just have dissimilar histories.I believe my background gives me some insight into the relationship between you and your boyfriend because of the circumstances are pretty similar.First, I have a very sunny outlook on life, which sounds similar to your boyfriend's. My thinking is I'm not going to let anything bring me down again. Ever. I was in a very dark place, battled depression, and thought I was doomed to a life of misery. Getting out of that relationship changed my entire outlook. I now see that life is too short to waste it being down. So I keep it positive. I realized that I and I alone am responsible for my happiness. Your boyfriend probably thinks in a similar way. He's confident, independent, and has himself together. If you think about it that way it really shouldn't bother you. I came out of my failed marriage as a better, stronger person. It sounds like the same thing holds true for your boyfriend.Secondly, I learned the hard way that rushing into a relationship is foolhardy. Things can go badly in a hurry. Your boyfriend is probably just being cautious, which is why he appears to be in no rush to get married again. I don't put a timeline on it, but I know that I would have to date a woman for a while before I feel comfortable enough to believe the relationship can last. Knowing how bad things can get when it all goes south makes someone careful to not repeat their mistakes. I would also view this as a positive. If your boyfriend takes the relationship a step forward, it means he's feel very good about it. If you are patient and things continue to go well, he'll get there with you!Finally, I understand why you are somewhat jealous of his ex. My advice - don't be! I'm sure there were good moments between your boyfriend and his ex... but know that the relationship was ultimately a bad one, and that he's a better person today. If things really had been that good they would still be together. So it's not his ex that's getting the best of him - you are! I really don't think your boyfriend has put up any barriers to keep you out, and in fact it sounds like he loves you based on your compliments of him. It sounds like things are going well in the relationship, and that the commitment you're looking for will come in time. Just hang in there and enjoy it!Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (3 November 2011):
 Well it's perfectly understandable for you to consider your boyfriend's past- and how much of an impact it has on your current relationship. But whatever happened with him and his ex, is in fact IN THE PAST. What you have to focus on is the relationship that you currently have with him. Think about what you could do on your part to make the relationship better, talk to him about what you both want to see improvements on, and work on any unresolved issues. And to comment on that unshakable optimism that he seems to have... I really do believe it could be the the result of what he has been through in the past. And because of this the optimism may provide some sort of shield of protection- in an attempt for him not to experience hurt again. BUT.. if you were to leave him today, I believe he would definitely have feelings of sadness and disappointment. I think you should ask him if he's truly/genuinely happy with you- and what his are plans to advance the relationship. Establish a good, open line of communication with him.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 He knows what it is like to come out of a bitter marriage so am guessing he has his barriers up at the moment. It sounds like he treats you well and cares deeply for you, and am pretty sure that if you fell of the end of the earth he would be hurt and upset. He may always seem positive but my guess is that is just an act that he has taught himself to do so that he cannot let anybody in to hurt him again, believe me he does have feelings and deep down am sure they are buried somewhere.
You just need to accept him for who he is. He is a positive person and I guess you just need to accept that. As for marriage and children, well you have only been together a year, so it may be quite soon to ask these things from him. If you are happy in the relationship at the moment well then just live it because nobody knows what the future may hold.
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