A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I think I need to break up with my boyfriend but I don't know how. I've never done it before. I've been thinking about it for some time but when we're together he is so lovely and kind and would do anything for me. Sometimes I think it can work if we just talked our problems through but it hasn't helped (dispite him listening to me and making active changes about certain issues we were having).It upsets me to think about breaking up as I love him so much, he has been my best friend since before we started dating but I think I now love him only as a friend. I was crying whilst thinking about writing this message. He happened to call me as I was typing. I declined his call so he didn't hear me cry- I don't want to lie or break up via phone as he deserves more. He has sent me many msgs since even admitting that he is paranoid about our realtionship (nothing new) but it is clearly quite late and completely normal for me not to respond and be asleep at this hour. I feel he is too clingy and dependent on me and he should be secure now but he's still not. I love that he really doesn't want to let me go. He talks about our future. I really need my space. I am about to start university and think its a time for me to find myself as an individual. Unfortunately him being so dependent makes it harder for me to break free due to guilt.I feel trapped in this relationship. My family love him to bits (parents call him the son they never had). Our friends are close to us both. We've been together too long for a break-up to be easy and I blame myself as I doubted my ability to commit early on. He had been infatuated with me for years before I agreed to date him and felt pressure to date him as we had a drunken kiss that he felt meant more. I never experienced the fluttering stomach as I saw him as a friend in the beginning. I feel like I've missed out. I met someone new and got that beginning relationship feeling and it makes it harder. I would never cheat however.I don't know what to do. Maybe I am just fearing the commitment of being together for so long. It has only recently hit me that we have spent so long together. I fear losing his friendship if I break up with him. I don't think it's my love for him that is keeping us together anymore. I'm lost.I have not been single since I was 17 (two years ago). All my friends go out on a night out and meet guys and I feel I'm missing out. I would never even notice if there was a man if the room when I went clubbing earlier on in our realtionship as I was so in love. I think this shows change for us.I don't know what to say to him. Nothing is his fault. He is the perfect boyfriend but I just don't need a boyfriend right now. I just need to be alone but is that just me being selfish??He has booked tickets for various shows next month. Would it be awkward if he was left to go without me. I feel bad as he did not allow me to pay for my share (late bday present for me). I don't think I can stay with him just to prevent this awkwardness. I am using it as an excuse to avoid breaking up I think...Help would be much appreciatedT x
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a break, best friend, clubbing, drunk, trapped, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, missunknown  +, writes (21 August 2009):
No, you are not selfish. Don't ignore your feelings, they are real. If you feel this way, I would say be single for a while and just be friends if u can if its too hard then move on..but would be better to stay friends as long as he doesnt make you feel bad and keep bringing it up. If the flame rekindles..then u know it was meant to be..if not..then u will also know.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): Give the relationship another shot it can't harm you to try it again, he sounds mad about you and would try anything to please you, text him and tell him you still love him.Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): You say you need your space and it's probably best if you ask him for it. You say he made active changes before on earlier issues why not confront him about that issue and tell him you still want to be with him just for him to be less clingy.You wrote that your family love him to bits and he's the perfect boyfriend you certainly don't find many of them out there, he seems caring and will be there for you so why not let him, your not missing out hooking up with other guys at clubs it's not the same as a relationship. Stay friends with him over 2 years you have shared so many experiences that he'll still want to be friends with you, he loves you. If i were in your shoes I would text him and tell him you want to try again but like the above reply said that he needs to find some hobbys suggest that to him. Don't throw away something special to you like him, he clearly loves you and will support you through the difficult times ahead but one month into it you will have started it and will be enjoying the fresh start to your relationship. I hope it's not to late and you have told him already if you have call him at a time when you can both talk for a long time and tell him you want him back.Hope it goes well.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 August 2009):
 There comes a time in life when you have to do something that is very uncomfortable and will lead to a lot of drama and unhappiness. You've reached that point, you sound like you are done with this relationship. I'm sorry for him that it's going to be difficult if he is so dependent and clingy, but just because a guy is clingy doesn't mean you can never break up with him.
You don't love him the way he deserves to be loved, and I think the way to look at this is that you are giving him a chance to move on and find the girl who will be deeply in love with him. It's not going to be you.
You have your new life and experiences in college all in front of you. It would be a shame to miss out on something because you're trapped in a doomed relationship.
So screw your courage to the sticking point, go see him and break up with him. Resist the temptation to stay and hold him while you both cry--you can do that for a little bit, but you have got to leave so that both of your can get on with the grieving process.
Tell your friends and family that you will need their support at this difficult time. Be honest with them that you just don't want to be in the relationship any more.
You snuck in a little sentence that you've met someone new; be careful how you manage that because your soon-to-be-ex will almost certainly assume that the new guy is the reason you broke up with him.
You will feel guilty, no doubt, but you will also feel an overwhelming sense of relief. Give yourself permission to break up with him; yes, it will hurt, but the pain will pass and you both will move on.
Get yourself support and make sure he has support too; who's his closest friend (besides you) that can help him through this?
You can do this, just be gentle but firm. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): Of course you feel sad at the prospect of breaking up with this man. You have shared a lot of experiences together, and spent time with one another, and he clearly does love you.
BUT: you say you feel trapped in the relationship. That he has tried to make changes, but even so, you don't want to be with him.
Look, you're only 19 and have been in this relationship for two years now. That's a large chunk of your life at this point!
He's clingy and too dependent on you. That's not good. I wonder if he has men friends, or has hobbies and interests he pursues when not with you? How much time in a week do you spend together? If the answer is "not many things to occupy himself" and (say) three or four times a week (let alone 24/7), then its not surprising you feel trapped and want to be alone. By the way, do you go out with women friends or have activities of your own?
He may be good and kind, yet some relationships are just not meant to be. Sounds as if this is one of those. I realize you don't want to lose his friendship, but I have to point out that if you do decide to break up with him, trying to stay friends will make it all the harder for him to move on - and for you. Better to cut all contact.
Maybe you could take him out to lunch and tell him you appreciate him, and the good times you've had together, but you now find you don't want to be in a bf-gf relationship with him; you need time to yourself, especially as you'll be going to university and will have your studies to concentrate on; it will be a big change in your lifestyle.He won't be happy to hear it - nobody likes being dropped - but in time he'll come to terms with it, and, I would hope, respect your decision.
Just because he wants to continue with you, does not in any way, shape or form, obligate you to stay in the relationship just because you don't want to hurt his feelings!
You have solid reasons to call it quits. I know its hard.....expect you'll hear from some other aunts and uncles on the site.
Good luck!
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