A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing a girl my age for a few weeks now. At nineteen, it's my first relationship.After a prolonged courtship in which neither of us seemed able to tell the other party how we felt and in which she made most of the (rather drunken) moves, I mustered the courage to go for it. I assured her that this wasn't a fling—it's something I very much want to continue. I figured that, after the months of messing about, we should try this relationship on for size and see how it goes.She's had work commitments over the summer so we haven't seen each other much, but we managed to meet up a few days ago for drinks. As we headed back to hers, though, she told me how she'd been worrying and that she wasn't sure she had made the right choice in making her attraction to me clear. It seems that she's afraid of commitment and that, in the past, this fear has caused her relationships to fail. She worries that the same will happen to us, and that she'll lose a good friend as a result. She suggested we go back to being just friends 'as though nothing had happened' and that we could 'see other people but still flirt.' She said that she doesn't want me to think she's being unkind or leading me on.Except I want her. Her fear of commitment, as far as I can tell, is based on 'commitment' being something it isn't—marriage, monogamy and children, none of which are on the cards at this stage in our lives. I don't expect our relationship to last forever, but shouldn't we enjoy it for what it is while we're still close? Why can't we just give it a go?In the past, her 'flirting' and subsequent emotional distancing has been very painful for me, and it's not something I want to experience again. If we go back to being 'friends', it'll be nothing more.How should I best resolve this? I want the relationship to work, but if its demise is inevitable then maybe we should end it now and save each other the heartache. I've little experience in this field but I'd be okay with being in an open relationship if that would help her relax—I don't want to own her; I don't mind her being intimate with other people provided we stay close. I'm happy for things to be relaxed between us, I just don't want her to be emotionally distant.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you.
I understand that 'opening' the relationship might be a big step, but I'm anxious not to scare her off. For whatever reason she's afraid of commitment and I want to do whatever's necessary to relax her. I feel that if she's able to retain her 'free agent' status that'll be enough, mentally, for her to continue being in the relationship.
As I've said, we're both young and have no intention of marrying or staying together for a very long period of time (we're both in university and once we graduate will most likely have to part ways). How best should I allay her (I think irrational) fears about commitment?
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