A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel like I’m going insane. My ex and I broke up a month ago and he has already, by the looks of it, moved on with someone else. I know you’re supposed to not look at your exes social media pages after a breakup but one day I cracked out of curiosity... and well this girl she comments on all of his stuff and I have even caught her looking at my social media. (I guess she was curious about his ex) some context: we dated for over a year and love each other a lot still but haven’t talked since we broke up. Anyway, the girl is really fit and pretty and just your typical blonde sorority girl which is the opposite of me....I just feel like I’m going insane.... I want to break no contact so bad but I know I shouldn’t. I haven’t thought about dating anybody since us and can’t believe he’s able to move on so fast. It hurts me every single day and I feel so awful about myself. Every time I feel like I’m making progress, I think about this situation and get down and sometimes cry. When I’m with friends I’m fine but when I’m alone I can’t stop thinking about it. How do you guys move past something like this? And if I wanted him back how would I even go about that during no contact? Any advice helps. I just feel so bad about myself right now and I know I need to move forward somehow
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2021): So, I gather you have not blocked each other on Facebook, OP? Or are they public posts on your boyfriend's page?First, you do not know for sure if he is involved with some blonde commenting on his posts. It is called social media for a reason. Who knows? She may like him but he is not ready to move on. So, she comments on his posts. What does HE do? Does he engage with her on the posts? I am sure you could tell if he does, or to what length or if he is flirting back? Or does he ignore her comments? Maybe she heard he was newly single and is on the prowl? Not him? Also, if he is involved, it has not been long. It is clearly a rebound relationship, likely to numb his feelings from your break up and escape the pain caused by the void you left in his life. For some reason, guys need to get out there and bang whoever is in their sight. It really is no compliment to any new woman. She just happens to be there, ready to be used as an emotional band aid. It is sad really. While our hearts are owned by our ex boyfriends and the thought of another guy touching our body is nowhere on our radar and frankly the very last thing we would ever want right now, and for a very long time to come. He will run away from that one pretty quickly once he realizes he is not emotionally ready to invest in someone new. She is going to end up heartbroken too. If this is some budding romance (but to make you feel better, it will be short lived), it is very low class of him to allow this to happen before your very eyes. If you are still friends on Facebook, he would know with certainty that you will stalk his page. So, that is plain mean. Why would he do that for you to see, so that you feel even worse and in more pain? Was it a bad break up? Was he angry with you? Is he trying to punish you? How did you leave each other? Because if he would be doing that on purpose, you definitely don't need that kind of a person.I understand what you are going through. My boyfriend broke up with me almost 5 weeks ago. I have also been in no contact. He is now out of the country and his ex lives in that country. Funny how he went there right after breaking up with me. Well, I am losing my mind right now. He told me he had to have some space and figure things out. But his ex is there. I don't believe for one second that he will not be contacting her. He BROKE my heart and left me DEVASTATED after a 7 year relationship. I STILL LOVE HIM. And it has been torture trying to move on with my life, especially during this pandemic. I am in so much pain and I feel lonely and isolated on top of it. The pain seems to get worse with every passing day. :( So, I am with you. I empathize.But here is what I have learned by having time and space. I have learned that he LEFT me. He made the choice to move on. He thought I was not good enough for him. So, I am not going to lower myself and contact him ever again. The best thing you can do is let him go. Let him have his break up. Let him go bang whoever. In many cases, they end up regretting their decision, often when it is too late. You see, right now, he is probably relieved he broke up with you and convinced it was the right decision. My guess is he did the breaking up. If that is true, if you contact him now, it will ruin all your progress for getting yourself through it. Not only that but he will think you are clingy and needy and not have any self respect or maturity. If you want him to MISS you, perhaps even question his decision, you have to go no contact, and even radio silence. Let him come to you if and when he is ready. In the meantime, work on yourself and self improvement. Move on with your life. Because you are still young and there is so much more in life than this guy. I know it is hard during a pandemic but keep strong. You have already made it 4 weeks. You can keep going. If he comes back, he will see the new and improved you. And maybe in that time, he could improve on himself. This is a BIG MAYBE. Not all exes are meant to reunite. But if you want the best shot at reuniting with him, you have to let him go right now. And let him go indefinitely. I think you are still too attached to him emotionally just four weeks later. And you may regret your actions because whatever happens will be led by your emotions, jealousy, loneliness etc. I cannot see any good coming of it right now except for maybe more arguments where you make sure the door is closed permanently. So, for now, step back. Relax. Stop looking at his social media. I have my ex on Whatsapp. Neither of us blocked each other. But I have refrained from looking at it for 5 weeks. I do not want to know when he is online or how often. It would only be PURE TORTURE. So, exercise the same discipline you have shown by going no contact all these weeks and not look at his social media. And lastly, be proud of yourself by not chasing after him. For remaining strong. I used to chase my ex every time he broke up with me in the past. It used to be a vicious cycle. But this time it is different. I will not do it. I am growing as a person. I am loving myself more. Your own worth should never be validated by anyone else. Only by you. This is the lesson I am learning. And remember, it does not matter what the next girl looks like. She will never be you. We each have our own beauty and unique gifts. Just because he did not see them does not mean you do not have them. It just means he is the wrong guy. Some guys just aren't ready for commitment. It scares them. And they dump a good girl. Later to regret it. It is time to shine.You will get there someday.I hope I do too.Take care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2021): i was going through the same thing as you and ive come out the other side.1. Dont even bother to contact him. Men come back when you forget them but thats only if he doesnt find someone he sees as better. Hes found someone so let him go his loss. Focus on yourself finding love for you.2. Take time out for yourself a bit go out for walks, spa, shopping, with friends, holidays, anything you love really! 3. Start dating again and just meeting new people and enjoy them instead text them, meet them, focus on theyre social media not your exs.4. In time he will be a distant memory someone will replace him and bring you the future and love you deserve.Love will be found again it is limitless please tell yourself that everyday. Once you tell yourself love is limitless you will free yourself from him and the endless pain.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2021): It's easier to talk about a relationship breakup with the perspective of hindsight but the reality is that no-one is fully prepared for a sudden breakup when they have invested in a relationship.It's easier to get over the circumstances of a breakup if you can develop different social circles or communicate with people of a different mindset.It doesn't help to torture yourself with how good it might have been as that is only bending your mind into further grief.I think that checking on your exes social media is a sure fire way to upset yourself.Why would you believe any of it anyway?It would only take a good techie friend or two to totally fabricate your ex's life and that of his 'new girlfriend '!She may exist but she also may just be a photo download with fake admiring Facebook accounts etc.If she had been butt ugly you would have been repulsed!And outraged!Now that you feel he has got a better model you are still outraged that he isn't pining over you.Get a picture of a semi-naked bloke on your site and post how happy you are.It would even the score but may not be the truth.So as you were born with your very own unique set of gifts and talents you have to learn to value yourself.Everyone has their own set of problems and setbacks.The kind of girl you see him posting on his site also has her own set of complicated problems.Your aim is to be happier and more in control of your own life. That may be extremely difficult at the moment during this pandemic but you could grant yourself some peacefulness by ignoring his posts.However you know perfectly well that what you do is totally up to you.If you wanted to call him up and he jumped at the chance to communicate then you would know it was all a fake story.That would tell you that this guy knew you well enough to develop a 'honey-trap' that really pulled you in.It would also tell you that he was a bit manipulative or cheeky.Or just for his own self esteem!You need to think about the reality of all this.For example :did your boyfriend know you are obsessively jealous of blondes?Well that blonde hair could always be straight out of a packet!Maybe you should dye your hair a new vibrant colour because I think it might be time for a new look.And think about what the break up was about.Perhaps it was a glitch in life or maybe you took him for granted.As honeypie says most of us have been there at some time or another!Now you can contact him if you want to because it's not illegal.But could you reconcile yourselves to get beyond your problems.And would it ultimately lead to marriage?You are not bound by our advice as you live your own life but you have to be able to accept any negative outcomes, rather than torture yourself that you are not blonde and fit.Both of those things are within your reach of it were that important.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2021): It's unrealistic to believe you can be in a relationship with someone as long as a year, and immediately detach without any feelings whatsoever. With some exceptions, of course. If the relationship was toxic or abusive; that can help speed-up your detachment-process, healing, and recovery-process. Unless of course, you've developed Stockholm Syndrome; and there's nothing the abuser can say or do to you that will make you realize how harmful continued contact would be.
Your pride and ego are obviously insulted by the fact he found someone in a hurry. Your jealousy and humiliation is self-inflicted; because you insist on spying on him. You are placing yourself in the position to react in very impulsive and impetuous ways. You'll stalk him, send angry text messages, attempt to show-up where you think he'll be; and stalk, or mess with, the person he's seeing. All this falls under the category of "psycho-ex behavior." It's unstable, foolish, and might get you into a heap of legal-trouble. Not to exclude violence from an ex-partner prone to rage and aggression. You can't rule-out the unpredictable reaction you'll get from the person he's seeing; if they discover they're being stalked, or you're attempting to undermine whatever she and your ex are attempting to establish. Love-triangles create drama; and post-breakup drama usually has an awful outcome. Your best reaction and response is to mind your own business; no matter how bad you feel. You're an adult, not a broken-hearted teenage-schoolgirl.
His psychological-response to the breakup is most likely to be on the rebound, and/or retaliatory-behavior. Bad-news in any case! Getting-even by resorting to psychological-warfare to punish you. Playing games by messing with your head; if you're the one who initiated the breakup. If he broke-up with you, he probably had a head-start getting over you; so he has been mentally and emotionally prepared to move-on for some-time. Stubbornness to hold-on to someone, in spite of all indications they want out; will put you through this kind of confusion and emotional-distress.
Men often forego or bypass post-breakup anxiety and discomfort by rushing out to find a replacement, or hookup for sex; in order to suppress their grief and feelings of loss. It's also an adolescent-response to receiving his sudden freedom; eager to seek rebound-sex just because he can. Man-whoring is a common response to breaking-up. It's destructive, and somebody (or everybody) usually gets hurt in the process.
The unsuspecting, or overly-anxious, prospect who doesn't heed the fact the guy recently broke-up; is in for great disappointment and heartbreak. They will have to ride his emotional-rollercoaster; while dealing with your annoying intrusions, or back and forth interference.
The fact is, he hasn't fully dealt with his internal-feelings about the separation from the breakup. His suppressed pain could suddenly overwhelm him. Male-pride sometimes compels "possessive" or jealous man-types to pretend they still want you; only to keep you from having sex with other men. They don't really want you, they just want to avoid the cringy-feeling of jealousy; when you've found somebody else to have sex with. The rebound-dates found in interim; are being used as an emotional band-aid; and for the purpose of finding themselves partners for consoling-sex. Only a desperate-dummy, or a fool, would knowingly rush into a rebound-relationship with someone after a recent breakup! Having full-knowledge they're voluntarily playing into the hands of someone still undergoing detachment and recovery from a recent broken-relationship. Not so, if they were cheating all along. Things were all set, it was just a matter of getting you out of the way!
Sometimes our emotional-response to grief is delayed, or we might try to purposely bury our feelings. You can't heal or recover; unless your subconscious and conscious-mind synchronize in the acceptance that the reality is that the relationship is completely over. That takes time. Thus, you may feel overcome with grief; and in futility, hold-on to false-hope. Only to find that those hopes are to no avail! If he's already dating, he wants to let-go. You can relentlessly stalk and chase after him; and try to force him into a reconciliation, under pressure and ruthless-pursuit. The truth is, if all the reasons you broke-up haven't been fully resolved; the second-breakup will be like snatching the scab off a fresh-wound!
The odds against successful reconciliations are very high. They result in cycles of on-gain/off-gain breakups; or a really nasty breakup the second-time around. You'll be jealous and resentful of the fact he was seeing someone so soon after you broke-up; and you won't be able to get past the possibility they might have had sex, or maybe they're still secretly contacting or seeing each-other. These are all the realities you're up against when you won't let-go. It's your choice to be optimistic; but it's better to prepare for the worse, or the inevitable.
It's placing your heart at risk, to keep chasing after him; and I won't hesitate to say it's downright stupid. Desperate people leap without thinking; and shouldn't be surprised of the outcome. It's possible they were cheating, and she was on the sidelines all along. Hence, you will be distrusting, and suspicious; because you have already compared yourself to her. Pleading a case will not bring closure, or change his mind.
Maintain no contact! Block him from your inbox, inform your personal-list of friends and contacts to do the same; and deny him access to view or respond to all your social media platforms. Stop stalking and spying on the two of them! You might as well poke needles in your eyeballs! You'll hurt yourself!
I recommend that you deal with the emotional-withdrawal from your breakup cold-turkey. Little fixes by contacting him, is like an addict craving a tiny hit of her drug; it only prolongs the pain and agony. You'll only be frustrated. Withdrawal will come again, and force you to keep chasing after him. He'll just distance himself all the more; and she will put-up a barricade!
You'll also force him to ignore you, or to demand you to leave him alone. Even worse, she'll speak-up and put-in her two-cents; and now that you are his ex, and have also stalked her online, it gives her the right to!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2021): The best revenge sweetie .. is to get your life together.. your head together . If your unhappy with your body shape .. then I would suggest for you do the 5 to 2 diet . Where you eat normally even get a lil chocolate and then fast the next 2 days . You know your pretty as he wouldn't have picked you prior so dont do that to yourself Make plan for you .. healthy eating .. make a pizza or take away once a month... get out there post on social media dont block but dont get into the viewing him all the time. It hurts .. ofcourse of it does . If I could give you a cuddle I would .Chin up .. your far to good for him and one day when he sees that and wants back . You'll say no .. as your life will be complete without him . You dont need guys who dont give you what you give them
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (16 February 2021):
 I think that you need to leave the past in the past and accept the fact that the relationship did not work.
Breaking up is never easy, but in time things will get easier, time is the healer of all things.
I think you need to delete him on all social media. You make progress in getting over him, then you go on his social media, see things that upset you, then you are right back to square one again. Delete everything to do with him and move on with your life. Do things that make you happy, get out and about doing things you love, and seeing your friends. Don't be in a rush to jump back into another relationship until you have given yourself all the self love that you need. Learning to love ourselves in the greatest love of all.
Delete him, and abolish thoughts of getting back with him, if it never worked the first time around, so chances are its not going to a second time around.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2021): When you next think about contacting him, think of his reaction when he receives your communication. If he has moved on so quickly after your break up then it is likely he already knew this woman and was perhaps already seeing her behind your back. They may have left it a month before they posted anything on social media to give you the impression that it was new, but when someone moves on this quickly it usually means that they already knew each other. So, he wants to be with this other woman. A harsh truth but something that you need to realise and when he receives a message from you it will either be met with an eye-roll from him, or sympathy but with a big sigh that he now has to pander to your needs and be nice, when really he just wants to spend his time with this other woman. Don't put yourself in this position. Don't be the whiny, clingy female who can't let go. He has gone. He doesn't want contact with you, he wants to move on from you. So don't present yourself into his life as a chore that he has to deal with, if he wants to be a nice person. Be strong. Stay silent. Let them get on with their lives and you have to get on with yours. I've been there, we've all been there. Watching as the one we love disappears into the distance with someone else. And it hurts. Like nothing else. BUT IT DOES NOT LAST! The only way you can make this awful hurt last longer than it would normally, is by tormenting yourself and watching him play out his life on a screen. When I was your age, social media didn't exist and I went through an awful break-up. I felt as if I was in a black hole for about a month. I got a job in a pub, after licking my wounds for a month, just to get myself out of the house. I slowly came back to life and realised that he wasn't the be all and end all to life. I gained strength and I started to laugh again. It took two months before I started to feel anything like human again. And in all this time I bumped into him only once with his new girlfriend and with all the group of friends that I used to hang out with too. I greeted them all, he studiously ignored me, I left and started another life without him. I remember that meeting as the most painful part of the break up and you are doing this to yourself whenever you look at his social media. You have to be strong and remember that whenever YOU want to make contact, that HE doesn't want you to. All this is said with love and with the hope that you find the strength to stay away from whichever platforms he uses and concentrate on YOU. Find yourself again. He is not the only man who makes the world go around, believe me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2021): Guys are more physical in a relationship.Girls are more emtional.Your wounds are still very freash.Get some talk therapy to deal.It will help you to move on and feel better about yourself.It is totally normal to mourn a lost relationship but life goes on.You will survive and come out of this a stronger person.You got this!!!You will be fine in time with the right help.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 February 2021):
 What was the reason for the break up?
You say you want him back, but OBVIOUSLY, he doesn't want YOU back or he would have moved on with someone else. I know that isn't "nice" to hear but the truth is the truth.
Yes, a month is super fast to move on IF he really loved you deeply and saw a future with you.
It hurt you even more because you YOURSELF go to his social media and stalk what he is doing, basically pouring MORE salt in your own wounds.
You need to stop. And you need to accept reality.
Reality is, IT IS OVER. You guys broke up.
He might or might NOT be dating the "blond sorority girl" - which is irrelevant, so is her looks.
It's OK to be upset that it didn't work out. It's OK to be "grieving" what could have been. Just stop with the self pity. He isn't the ONLY man in the world that might be a good fit for you. Heck! there might even me 1,000s that would be a BETTER fit than he.
Sometimes relationships don't work out. And it hurts. You want to blame yourself (for whatever reason) but perhaps you need to stop that too. (unless you did something that caused the break up).
You are in your 20's and have your whole life ahead of you, building and maintaining healthy relationships are hard. It's a learning experience.
So figure out what it was that made THIS relationship not work. Was it something YOU can work on ?(let's say you were too clingy or insecure) then WORK on that!
Start a journal, write down how you feel, when you feel sad. And when you are less sad READ it back to yourself with a more "clinical" look.
We have all been there, having our hearts broken. Having to pick ourselves back up, dust ourselves off and move on with life. And know that JUST because you two didn't work out, it doesn't mean you can't find someone who WILL be a good fit long term.
You need to work on being more in control of your emotions. It's OK to be sad, you just went through a break up. Talking to him, stalking his social media WILL NOT help you move on. Whomever he decides to date HAS nothing to do with you. He isn't dating THEM because YOU weren't "good enough" or "pretty enough" or "whatever enough".
Your relationship ended because it didn't work. Love isn't superglue, it can't hold together something that just isn't working.
Also, trying to "win him back" is not going to work. Even if you did get back together, the REASON you broke up will rear it's "ugly" head again. You can't unscramble eggs.
Work on letting it go. Work on the things you DO enjoy. Your friends, family and hobbies. Find a good book (or movie) if you feel sad and engross yourself in the book (or movie) - DISTRACT yourself from the blame game and the sadness. I know, it sounds easier than it is, but you will get to a point where you can look back at the break up (and him) and go - well, he really wasn't the right guy for me.
Chin up.
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