A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am having an incredibly hard time figuring out what to do about my bf and his ex. They are best friends, and although I love that, I have been having second thoughts. I recently asked him if he wasn't dating anyone and if ex would have him back, if he would date her again.... and he said yes. I really hurt after that, especially because a week before we got together (as I found out) he and her were "friends with benefits". I also find him trying to hide the fact he still sees her from me, and instead of referring to her by her name he will stress "some friends and I" when its just him and her. He also wears a necklace she gave him, and never takes it off. When we are intimate I cannot help but notice he nibbles on it etc. I want to be open minded, I want to believe that he loves me and I am the one he wants to be with, but I don't know how to go about letting go of the fear that as I grow much more attached to him he will leave me for her (when she deems it possible). I am really confused as to what to do. A part of me says: you have to believe him and let him take it from there, while the other keeps on nagging at me with feeling of abandonment and how I will feel if this happens and I didn't see the signs ahead of time (basically stupidity). confused and hurt
View related questions:
best friend, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): i am in the same boat. i am with a man whom i have the deepest feelings for, he to feels that from em i know it but he has been through a bad time in the past and the girl (his now ex) and also his best friend was there to support him through all the bad stuff. he therefor believes that its owed to her to be at her beck and call at all times. she is older then him and she earns alot of money to so she showered him with great gifts and a lavsih lifestyle. when we met he was living with her (3 years) but he had already made up his mind to leave before that, he says meeting me was just the last bit of motivation he needed to leave. He wasnt in love then. thing is that she still has alot of his things, and she lives just around the corner from him, she works half days to rush home so she can go playing online games with him, texting daily and calling daily also asking him to meet up, they still call each other baby and pet names. he hasnt been around there that i know of. i know howmuch he loves me and he has said many times that he wants to marry me but he cannot just stop being friends with her. Its eating me up inside because i know she will try everything to get him back and he is such a good soul. i dont want to tell him what to do or rule his life but this is something that is going to ruin our relationship if he doesnt draw the line. i've told him how i feel and he said that my happiness means everything but still he entertains their so called friendship. i am affraid that i might have to leave him if this continues. it makes me sad to even consider it but i can focus on anything else but this. its like i am sharing him with her, or like he is leading a double life as i am sure they dont talk about me.. do you think i am being unreasonable?
A
male
reader, Vulpes  +, writes (14 May 2008):
I think the answer is staring you in the face. Ultimatum time.
From what your saying, I think you are being taken for a ride. Grab your self-respect, tell him you don't want him seeing her in private (and don't believe your being paranoid! This is totaly unacceptable behaviour by him from a b/f or g/f or spouse!) and if he does then he's history.
You deserve better. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Aeval  +, writes (14 May 2008):
 ooooh this has bad signes all over it, Try talking to him however I suspect that it will be about as useful as talking to a brick wall..
If they were in a relationship then became friends with benifits right up to you then that is a very hard bond to break.
I think you need to think to think about what is happening, Do you honestly think he is cheating? If you have any doubt then its time to leave. YOu must be able to trust your partner 100%. If not then you will always be living on edge.
Good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): It so hard to say. I don't feel there are enough details..
How long have you been with your bf? What is your connection like?
How long was he with his ex? How long ago did they break up?
I can imagine such an honest answer like that from him would hurt like crazy. Friends with benefits with his ex a week before you started to date him? Huh, that is cause for concern, and I guess you need to have a calm conversation about that with him. Even if he may not be involved with her sexually, they still have the super tight companionship going on. If this makes you uncomfortable, you don't have to feel obligated to remain passively "open-minded." That would be be too much for most people to deal with.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (14 May 2008):
 You deserved much more from your b/f than those crumbs that he is doling out to you.
You should set your limits and boundaries and if he cannot satisfy them , you should let him go.
The future is bleak if you carry on like this.
It is either he shapes up or gets shipped out.
...............................
|
