A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:When I was 14, I met someone with whom I fell absolutely in love. I lost my virginity to him at that age, but then decided (something I've always regretted) that we couldn't possibly work - he was 24 and lives about 2000 miles away from me, and so I ended it with him before it went any further. I know that the relationship we had was totally illegal, especially as the age of consent in his country is 18, but this isn't really important at this point.In the time between this and now (I'm now 20), I've had a couple of other boyfriends, but always remained in contact with this guy, and have seen him a couple of times in the last 6 years. I want to make it clear that I have not done anything sexual or even had conversations to that effect with him in this period of time.About a month ago, I spent a month with him and his family (they're friends of my family). I spent every evening and much of the day with him, as there wasn't really any other company for me, and as I've always enjoyed his company as a friend. I suppose also because I've always had a deep, deep attraction to him. We ended up in a sexual relationship again. Despite the fact that initially I wasn't sure this was a good idea, it's pretty damn hard to repress old feelings, even you've pushed them away and pretended they weren't there. I spent the latter half of my holiday feeling happier than I think I ever have, when with him.On the last night that we were staying with his family, I went out with him as usual and had a few drinks and then completely out of the blue (to me, at least), he asked me to marry him. He'd obviously been thinking about this, as he even had the ring. However, I just didn't know what to do when presented with this. I love him, and I always have. I just still don't know whether it's a good idea to revisit old ground, so to speak. I was hoping that there might be other people on here who have any experience of this sort of thing, or just anyone who might be able to offer me any advice at all. I want to be with him, but there are just so many barriers I have to overcome (eg moving to his country, finishing my degree etc). Aside from this, it has played on my mind that perhaps my feelings for him are a partly because of the relationship we had before and the way in which I ended it and regretted that at the time. I'm just so confused. Horribly so. Help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): Clever Girl.Look, If you arent sure then you need to say that to him, obviously you guys like each other so stay in touch and you will know if you want to see him on breks stuff like that. If you are worth it to him he will make the ffort to come and see you. If he is worth it to you then you will make an effort to go and see him. If you guys are meant to be together it will work out. I know this sounds cliche but listen to your heart/ Gut you know what you want from life and dont be afraid to go after it. At the moment thats your degree later on it may be something else, it may be him, but at this stage you dont know and thats all you can say to him. Thats all my opinion, theres no right answer really.Good luck with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi elpigaro, thanks for your post. To answer some questions and for some more detail:
Honestly, I would love to move to his country. It's always been part of my 'grand scheme' for my life. Just didn't think it'd necessarily happen this way!
I'm going to finish my degree, and he knows this. I absolutely am not going to throw away my chance now, as I may not get another chance to go to university.
I haven't said yes to his proposal, but I haven't said a flat no. I've told him I want to wait, and we will see how things are in two years time, when I've finished at uni.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): Well,I cant help but feel a bit dsturbed y a guy who will have sex with a 14 year old when he is 24. But thats for you to decide if you can be comfortable with it.You need to be honest with youself and decide what you want.Do you want to move to his country?Do you want to jump straight into marriage, how about having a normal relationship first, marriage seems like a leap into the unknown.Do you want to finish your degree, How does being married at 20 tie in with your dreams.You need to be honest with yourself.I wish you luck but my advice would be to deflect the marriage proposal and see how a relationship goes long distance at first. Allowyourself to be yourself and see how it goes, if you find yourself longing to be with him then a move may be a good idea.
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