A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have had many issues in the past with him being honest and they have added up to me feeling resentful of him, hurt by him and mistrusting. I've always been trying to get the feelings of happiness back from before he started lying to me and before he broke my heart but have always had trouble- something always goes wrong. It's damaged the way I feel about him. But he still loves me and has been patiently waiting for me to let go of my resentment, hurt feelings, and sadness about the past. He has tried many things to repair us; buying my flowers, taking me to dinner, writing me sweet emails, telling me he loves me, crying and saying he's sorry, etc, etc. The conflict between us has been going on for several years now, and although he has not lied to me in a while, my feelings have remained... I guess I am full of regret and sorrow, for what could have been, because I really loved him a lot, which is why I stayed with him even after he hurt me so much. We were young when we started dating. He has changed a lot since then but I am still mistrusting of him because he has the capability to lie to my face over long periods of time, even when I am begging him to tell me the truth. He's a good liar. Makes me feel like no matter how good things seem, he is probably hiding something from me. I know a lot of it is my paranoia. But he did make it very hard for me to feel safe and comfortable around him by lying to me numerous times.Now we are engaged to be married. He is very happy and excited... more loving than ever.And I find myself feeling sad and anxious most of the time. When I am with him sometimes I feel sick and angry and sad and depressed... and just... rotten. I have so many conflicting emotions about our relationship. I love him, I think. Sometimes it's hard for me to access those warm mushy feelings underneath all of the stress and anger that I feel. When I do feel happy, it's great, but it's short lived.What do I do??? I want to be happy... but I don't know how.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Xtina356 +, writes (27 May 2010):
Trust is an interesting thing. It takes a lifetime to build and a second to lose it. Rebuilding your relationship after losing trust in him is something that takes time and a lot of work. Flowers and I love you's are nice, but they are not the solution.
Now you are engaged to him and he's happy. The problem is, that you aren't. Since marriage isn't going to suddenly make you feel secure or happy, you may want to put the wedding plans on hold and work on your relationship before you move forward. Marriage is difficult to begin with. Having feelings of resentment, mistrust, and sorrow for what could have been is not how you want to start things off. Better off working on these issues now before getting married than ending in divorce later.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (27 May 2010):
Have you considered speaking to a relationship therapist or someone similar? I mean if you can't let go of past emotional feelings then you're not going to do too well at any relationship. It sounds to me you should look to see if you can tackle dealing with your bad feelings from the past, and if you can't, well perhaps he is not the guy for you and you need a fresh start with someone new?
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