A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have no one to discuss this with and I'm hoping someone out there could help me out. Greatly appreciate it.. So this situation is mixing my emotions up a whole lot! So I've been with my boyfriend about 3months and things are going well! Except he gets really jealous. I'm flattered by it and find it pretty adorible SOMETIMES. Lately I've jut been irritated by it. Almost to the point where I could see him being a little possessive. I've told him what I've felt and he felt really bad about it and decided to fix that. One thing though he doesn't want me talking to my ex boyfriend who I broke up with to be with him. I understand he wouldn't wan me to because that guy has so much love for me and wants me back. I told my boyfriend I don't talk to him anymore but really I still do. Aside from the love relationship we've had he was always a good friend to me. A really good person! Just hard to imagine any bad in him. He gave me nothing but love and respect and still does. I don't wan to lose a good person just because of his jealousy and insecurities! But at the same time I feel guilty because it would just kill him finding out we're communicating still. An old ex boyfriend was extremely possessive and abusive. I cut off contact with a whole lot of good people in my life just for that guy. I've changed and don't let people control me. But in this situation I am unsure what I should do. I want to be free and do as I please but still I don't know.
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broke up, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow we are very similar! so crazy......
Please message me! id like to get into detail about what you speak of.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2013): I also agree that you should not be talking to your ex. How would you feel if that was your boyfriend doing that to you with an ex of his and lying yo about it. I dont think you would like it would you?
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (16 October 2013):
 Sounds to me like your boyfriend has a bit of a reason to be uncomfortable with your friendship with your ex. He knows he still has feelings for you, which makes the friendship inappropriate to have at the moment.
I understand he was always a good friend and person to you. But out of fairness to all involved, I think it's best if you take a bit of time away from your ex and let him heal and move on - for his sake, your sake, and for your boyfriends sake. Then, once he's in a good place, you can pick back up on your friendship. But it's never good to lie. I know you know that.
Good luck in whatever you do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou Kc12. Reading what you said did click something in my head. I felt like you really listened and made it a bit easier. I will discuss it with him. And K_c100 to make it clear I did not cheat on my ex with my current boyfriend. I told my ex when I began developing feelings for the new guy. And second, I am not "messing" with these 2. If I still had romantic feelings for my ex then yes you can say that but I do not. But aside from all that, you do have really good points and sounds to be pretty much true. It isn't right to lie about it, especially since I'm not doing anything wrong. Only to see him as a friend. Thankyou I very much aprreciate the time you took to write all that.
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A
female
reader, KC12 +, writes (16 October 2013):
 If you want to "be free and do as you please" than that is a sign that maybe you're not ready for a relationship right now. And, there's nothing wrong with that as long as you admit it--to your boyfriend as well as to yourself.
I know that can be hard to hear, especially if you love and care for your boyfriend. If you do truly love him, than maybe you can suggest taking it slow right now.
As for the issue with the ex boyfriend, I totally agree with k_c100. You have to chose. I'm not in favor of staying friends with an ex--especially if there's a strong history and there's still strong, unrequited feelings there (on his part at least).
I hope this helps, and that I did not come off too harsh. I also hope things work out well for you.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (16 October 2013):
 Sorry but I think you are in the wrong here - lying and being dishonest it far worse than what he's done! If you genuinely wanted to be friends with your ex for HONOURABLE intentions then you would not have started texting him behind your bf's back. Trust is everything in a relationship, and you are breaking the trust each time you text him.
To be honest I think your bf is actually right for not wanting you to speak to your ex - you cheated on your ex to be with the new bf, in his head he will think you are likely to do the same to him. Also, the ex wants you back - so the more you speak to him the more hope you are giving your ex that you will go back to him.
If the relationship with the ex ended on good terms, and it was a mutual decision then it would be a different matter - being friends would be fine. But your ex does not want to be your friend, that is the biggest problem here. He wants you to be his girlfriend, and is only remaining friends with you to see if you will come back when it doesnt work out with new guy.
Your boyfriend is a lot wiser than you and knows that your ex wants more than friendship, hence why he doesnt like you talking to him. And I dont blame him.
Time to choose - who is more important, your ex or your new boyfriend? If he were making you stop talking to female friends or stopping you from going out then yes I'd agree he was jealous and possessive. But he is just being a human being, someone who is naturally a bit worried that a man who fancies the pants off his new girlfriend is still in her life trying to work his way back into her heart.
Imagine if your new bf had an ex girlfriend, he left her for you, she wants him back and they are still talking all the time - then he lies about it as well. Imagine how that would make you feel. Not good I'm sure.
We are all a little insecure, he's not jealous of your ex just worried that you are supposed to have broken up yet the man who still loves you is still in constant communication with you. That's not normal and not helpful if you want a relationship to work.
Its quite simple - your boyfriend or your ex. You cant have both if you want one of the relationships to work. I'm sure you have plenty of friends, you dont need a 'friend' who is in fact in love with you and wants to be a lot more than just friends. This is not a true friendship with your ex, true friendship has no romantic feelings for each other. So this has a hidden agenda i.e. your ex trying to get you back by playing the long term 'friends' game.
Stop lying. Stop talking to your ex and focus on the new relationship. If you cannot bring yourself to stop talking to the ex then you clearly have stronger feelings for him still and you shouldnt be with the new guy. Just make a choice and stop messing these 2 men around.
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