A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy online, we've been talking for about two months. We've had a few discussions about us being together, but of course we both feel it's best to be friends first before we date. Though, I have mentioned being exclusive. We've gotten into a few head butts, one were we fine and talked things through and then he ignored me for a few days and then tried contacting me. I know I have pushed the issue of being exclusive and he always says "in the future" but not right now.I was upset that he ignored me and then got back to me like it wasn't wrong for what he did, I haven't mentioned anything about it because I didn't want to come off a pest again since our last argument.We have been intimate once. (Just to put that out there). We've been texting since he ignored me, only because I apologize for coming off pesty, and that I'm not use to dating just being in relationships. He told me that it was okay, and to not apologize.I asked him what he wanted, he said, "I think your a great girl and I'd like to still keep in contact with you. I'm not sure what I want exactly, I do I like spending time with you..yes, cuddling...yes, do I want sex...yes". Now, he wants to hangout this week, when he gets off work. I want to go to see what he wants, and to get my belongings.What I'm asking is, should let this all slide or get down to the nitty gritty and ask what he REALLY wants. Why he ignored me. Why keep in contact with me?I could use some help with this. For advice or questions I should ask him. Is it worth going?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 February 2014):
 You write: "....he always says "in the future""
Your response should be: "OK, (his name here), contact me when the future arrives, and we can talk then..."
Until then, keep your eyes out for a guy who is more compatible with, and more in keeping with, what you want to find - relative to a "relationship" - with a guy...
Good luck...
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (25 February 2014):
 Dating when you're used to being in relationships is hard, in part because of this issue of exclusivity.
When I was online dating, and it got to the point of intimacy, I would assume that meant he was only interested in me and not dating anyone else - wrong!
It's better to have that talk *before* intimacy. Don't assume that sex will lead to a relationship, and don't assume that because he's ready to have sex it makes him ready for an exclusive relationship with you.
I hate the idea of serial dating, but I know it's pretty much the norm in the USA and has become more prevalent in the UK.
I think the only way around the non-exclusive thing is to put off sex until you're both pretty sure of one another (which is also just generally sensible advice, whether exclusive or not).
You're seeing him this weekend. There's no point asking him (again) what he REALLY wants. He's already said he's undecided (but that he'd like cuddles and sex). So the ball is your court. Do you want to date him knowing he's dating other people, can you handle having sex with him knowing he may well be having sex with other people?
I agree with the other ladies advice to get to know him better, hold back on the sex for a while. But if the idea of him dating other women makes you uncomfortable (as it would with me), respect your own boundaries and comfort levels and bow out gracefully.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 February 2014):
 Being exclusive doesnt mean you marry each other, it just means you dont sleep with other people. Or date other people. If he sees himself as being in a relatioship with you then he needs to be exclusive. Then again, if you haven't even met yet, or had a date yet, and you're not actually in a relationship either, I don't see why you need to get this exclusivity? I mean, don't you want to at least meet the guy before you claim him as your territory?
And then he ignores you, as you say. Real mature way to handle things, you think?
If you ask me, the relationship sounds pretty sour, and it hasn't even started yet. He's already giving you headaches and ignoring you, and you're fighting over whether to see other people or not, and you aren't actually seeing each other yet!!!
No, this is a dead end, it's over before it's even started.
Next time, when meeting someone, if you actually agree to go slow and be friends first then respect your own decision. Friends are not exclusive. If you want exclusivity then go on a real date a bit sooner, and make it offocial, and don't start off saying you need to be friends before you get involved. You can't say you want to be free and at the same time say you want exclusivity. Either you're in a relationship or you're not, it's that simple.
About what he wants? He told you. Sex and cuddles. But apparently not a relationship. And in case you didnt know: sleeping with him will NOT make him want a relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 February 2014):
 I agree with Tisha.
Slow down. He is being practical about it, he wants to KNOW YOU before being exclusive. If you want to "hang out" the DO so but DO NOT have sex. He wants to get to know you more and you want exclusivity - so take time to GET to know each other and SAVE the sex for when you do and when you ARE exclusive.
I think you had sex with him to help "make up" his mind and be exclusive, that is not really how it works.
2 month of online chatting doesn't mean you know each other, far from it.
Slow down.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 February 2014):
 You're pushing him to be exclusive after talking online for 2 months and being intimate once. You're not used to dating. You expect relationships to develop quickly, obviously, as you moved past dating and waiting to be intimate with a guy you've known only 2 months.
He has told you he wants to wait to be exclusive, which to me is completely reasonable. You've known each other 2 months.
I would not interrogate him as to his intentions. He's told you already. He likes cuddling and sex (most guys would cop to sex but admitting cuddling is a vulnerable admission).
If I were you, I would lay off asking him all the 'what do you want' questions and just get to know him better. But NO sex, no cuddling, as that has confused and possibly misled you.
What the 'head butts' about? You've known him 2 months, are you disagreeing about fundamentals here? Or whether the top of the toothpaste needs to be on and the seat of the toilet down?
You want exclusivity, he wants more time to get to know you. You are coming across to me as clingy and demanding already, what do you think his view of you is?
If you want exclusivity right away then you are asking a lot. Don't get intimate with a guy until you know you are exclusive, if it is that important to you.
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