A
male
age
41-50,
*un727
writes:Ok, I am going to be completely honest here. I was dating this girl for about 5 months but have known her for almost 8 years and she is now 11 weeks pregnant and we are no longer together. Before we broke up, she moved to west virginia to help out with her mom, but her and her mom got into a fight and her mom kicked her out so she moved in with her sister. i asked her to come back to florida and she said that she would rather raise this child up there together and she wanted me to move out there with her. Well we have been fighting a lot lately and now we are broken up. We both have done and said nasty things to eachother, and we haven't spoken in over a week. All I want is to be a father to my child and raise and love my child, and now I am scared she won't let me because she already has 5 kids with 3 different guys and she doesn't even take care of any of those! Three are adopted and the other two her baby daddy has the other two. I really want our child to have my last name and I also want to be on the birth certificate as well. I am so scared and don't know what to do??? Please help me
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female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (2 July 2010):
You can go to any SS office and file a complaint it's called a outer state compact i believe? check into it or call the SS office where she is at! or call the ones that handled in taking her 5 kids away. don't give up you sound like you would be a good daddy!
Good Luck!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2010): If they were removed in Florida it does. Sine she's in WV Social Services won't know about her. For some reason the Social Services websites they use only work for one state. There isn't a system to share information from state to state. So if she's moved then WV social services probably won't get involved unless a report is made. Although I'm suprised that the baby didn't have a social worker in Florida? Since she already lost five other kids it's supposed to be SS policy to check on the new baby when it's first born. Odd that they didn't perhaps the rules are different in Florida than were I live. Well if SS aren't involved and the mother refuses to let you see the child then you might have to get the courts involved if you have no other choice.
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male
reader, dun727 +, writes (1 July 2010):
dun727 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually she had her kids in florida. does that make a difference??
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2010): Most likely this woman is on Social Services radar. After losing five children from her custody and going back to the state she lost them in (I'm assuming she lost custody of the children in WV and not Fl?) means that once social services finds out she's given birth again this new child will be removed. As you are the father you will be asked first if you want the child, as her other two men were asked about their kids. The thing is if you aren't on the birth certificate then she will have to admit you are the father. Otherwise is Social Services gets involved ask for a DNA test so you can get custody. The only thing that would stop you from obtaining custody of the child is having a criminal history, drug history, or any type of child neglect or abuse. You should be all set though as soon as Social Services get involved. Remember though if this happens respect the SS worker, they can be your best allie or worst enemy.
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female
reader, Blue Sahara +, writes (1 July 2010):
 It is wise to try to protect yourself legally but anyone who has seen people go through the court system for things like child custody, child support, trying to declare someone unfit, etc, will tell you that the system has two options: slower than slow OR justice for the wealthy. What that means is you have the option of court appointed lawyers and evaluators but every single thing will take you months. Like you go to a court date, they decide to do an evaluation, it takes 6 months to get an evaluation and 2 more for the next court date. Then that court date happens, her lawyer has an issue with the evaluator and wants a new evaluator, 6 more months, 2 more months for another court date. Then that court date, your lawyer has an issue with something the evaluator found, and so on. This is basic stuff. This isn't even getting into anything real detailed yet.
The other option moves faster where you hire your own lawyers, your own evaluators and so on but after seeing my friend go into $40,000 debt and her ex husband who she was fighting with over these issues going into $20, 000, they ended up settled cause they had no more money and had maxed out their credit cards.
Even though the court system can be a pain, I do think it is important you protect yourself if you are asking questions like this though. I do think you need to try and get a DNA test to prove you are the father, get your name on the birth certificate, and establish yourself as the child's father from the beginning. It gives you more rights. If you can work it out with her, you can be entitled to just as much as she is. Courts are different now. They aren't as focused on always giving the child to the mother. I've seen several cases where the man was favored.
But just do it as soon as possible. Listen to me when I say the biggest mistake everyone makes is trying to not make waves at the beginning so they don't ask for equal custody or they don't ask for child support and I guarantee you years later you will be so fed up with not having your rights legally written out. If you can get something like a mediator (that costs less) you will be happier in the long run.
Also, realize if you establish yourself as the father she has the right to go after you for child support. Even if you don't like the way she parents your child.
So get your ducks in a row now. Try to make sure you are established as the father, try to do it now and not 3 years from now when your child doesn't hardly ever see you. And if she does leave the child with you, that's when I totally advice going through the hassle of a court case as opposed to doing something like mediation. Cause nothing's going to cause you more pain than a guilty mother 5 years down the line.
But most importantly, if you can be civil to each other, you will save yourself so many headaches. The couples that fight all the time usually end up in the longer, more bitter court battles. Cause it's not just about the kid it's about sticking it to each other. If you can be kind of her on some level, you might get a lot more opportunities with your son/daughter.
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female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (1 July 2010):
I can offer some advice! you don't have to be in the mothers life! to be apart of your childs life you need to get some legal help and don't wait do it now and tell them what you just told us because if they find her unfit when the child is born you have first rights in getting custody:
but be prepared you need to be stable and have good living arrangements and are responsible and working and have a baby sitter lined up meaning get your duckies in a row and don't let her know she will be one step ahead of you but you need to be involved not relationship wise but support:
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female
reader, Philosophyzer +, writes (1 July 2010):
 If the father of two of her children has primary custody, there might be a reason, i.e., she can't take care of them and/or has been seen as an unfit mother. Don't cut ties with her. Keep in touch and stay on track with how the baby is coming along/doing. Contact a lawyer and get legal advice. A custody suit might eventually be needed.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 July 2010):
 You need to obtain the court's finding of paternity and then petition for custody. In some states it's a two step process and in some states it's a combined process. Usually custody will be given to the unwed mom but you will be considered over the other close relatives. She has extended family to help her. How involved are your side of family? You may have to move to WV, even if you live a block away from her it's more convenient to see the baby then travelling back and forth.
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female
reader, QZ +, writes (1 July 2010):
 You'll have to go to court and honestly, if you want this child to be provided for, get custody of him/her. If the mother cannot take care of the children she already has, you'll have to step up the responsibility and raise the child yourself.
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male
reader, dun727 +, writes (1 July 2010):
dun727 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know what you mean!! The girl just got out of prison and she swore up and down that she was a changed person, but in reality it was all a front!! She has been lying to everyone and even her own family about things and she tries to blame me for everything... sad isn't it!
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male
reader, Jeff8  +, writes (1 July 2010):
If you were so concerned about your chlld having a good life why in god's name did you decide to have it with that kind of woman? And please dont tell me you were thinking about what colour to paint the nurseryt you two 'conceived'! I wouldn't worry---judging from this lady's slackass attitude to motherhood she will be only too happy to have a free childminder around!
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