A
male
age
30-35,
*ichael Guerra
writes:(Sorry for the length but I have to vent)...Me and my gf have been dating since we were 16, she was absolutely perfect, beautiful smart funny. Everything I've ever wanted! I've had girlfriends before but never as serious as her. She was very hesitant when I asked her out but eventually said what the hell why not. I was extremely obese when I was 16 coming in at 215 pounds. For that year we were fine but she would always blow me off for her friends and not even make out with me when we did hangout. (It took three months to do that). She always told me she wasn't a partier so I always wondered what she did when we weren't hanging out, but she always told me just dancing, school or hanging out with friends. I had to literally make plans with her three weeks in advance to see her. I honestly was so amazed with her being my gf (because she was perfect) I didn't mind waiting for her. When we did hangout we would go no where public, pretty much only the movies. That summer I went to NY like I do every summer to work my father's business. We texted everyday but when I tried to call she said I don't like phone calls, but it was fine, she was perfect. When I got home we hangout and she told me how much she missed me and so on, she logged into FB on my iPad and was scrolling, she accidentally clicked on messages and I saw one with a guy. I said what is that, and she locked the iPad responding nothing. I grabbed the iPad and locked my self in the bathroom reading it. They were talking about hanging out at a theme park and even sending hearts (which she never did with me). I was really upset, I opened the door and she was mad yelling at me it was an invasion of privacy. I apologized but still asked about the guy and she said she kept saying She had a bf but he kept at it, and when I asked why didn't you ignore him she said she was being nice but they never hangout. We fought but eventually got over it but I secretly always had it in the back of my mind. The next year was great we grew as a couple and even had sex (which I was okay with the wait because she was a virgin). She said she loved me and I knew I was in love. The next summer I went to NY and she was okay with it but I texted her out of all the guys in our school why did you pick me and she said IDK. and I said you have to know... come on and she finally admitted she thought I was a fat loser and felt bad for me. I was heartbroken and sadly became anorexic, I lost 100 pounds that summer from basically starving my self because I was a fat loser. It was senior year when I returned and people constantly told me I got 'hot'. Even my gf stopped hanging out with friends and wanted to be with me more. I was so happy, the girl of my dreams finally wanting to be with me. Throughout the year we had a few fights but I always patched them together and made it work. I eventually figured out when I'm nice to her she's mean to me, and when I was being kind of stand offish, she was nicer then ever too me. So it confused me and I started acting like an a** hole. She wanted to spend every minute with me and then I was happy even though I was mad at myself for turning into someone I'm not. Our third anniversary passed and I was extremely pleased with our relationship, she moved in with me and my parents for college since we lived closer then she did, but she constantly taunted me about hating my siblings (she is an only child) and she wishes they were gone. We fought over them and I eventually disliked them for hurting my relationship, and it was horrible because I was EXTREMELY close to them. But for her it was worth it (I know I'm a f***ing moron [I see that now]). Then one night she was coming home from work and said she was stopping at mcdonalds and said she'd be home right after. Mcdonalds is three miles away from my house and when two hours passed I knew something was up so I gpsed her phone and found out she was at a apartment complex parked. Me and my sister drove there and saw her walking to her car with another guy, they hugged and she got in and started home. I followed and called her asking where she was and she said just leaving McDonalds. When she got home I confronted her about it and she called me a fat pathetic creep, and he was gay. I asked why she lied and she said I would get mad. Which is ridiculous because I have many gay friends and would understand nothing was going on. But i kept on through it, that summer I was sick at myself, I hated what I saw in the mirror... A girl I've been dating for three years thinks I'm a fat creep and It made me horribly upset and I stopped eating again and started working out. I thought if I was hotter she'd like me more. Finally when I came back everything was perfect for that entire year. I loved her and she finally told me I was sexy making me feel better about myself. I even stayed that summer because I'd rather be with her then my family. Last summer I had to go my grandpa was sick and I had to work so I kissed her goodbye and went to NY to do what I had too. (Were dating for four years now). She got a new job at the theme park and finally saw her at parties. When I asked her I thought you don't like parties she said she was now 21 and wanted to experience everything a 21 year old experiences which I was okay with even though (Im a year older) and my 21 was on hold to hangout with her since I knew if I went out she'd be mad. She said she was only going to one, but one turned to three, and three turned to ten while I was slaving for my father's business. She also never drank with me because she said she never liked alcohol but there were pictures of her throwing back shots. I ignored it though because I loved her and what made her happy... I stopped talking to friends for her because she got jealous and made it where she was basically my only friend. When I returned she blew me off three times to go to parties and got drunk with friends instead of me. It pissed me off so I told her off and she said I was being unreasonable and broke up with me, I begged for forgiveness and she said okay fine but you have to let me have a life. Then she was logged into FB a few months ago, (and now I just don't give a **** about invasion of privacy so I read her messages and more conversations with guys,,, THAT I WORK WITH, I was pissed and quit work because they also gave me a pathetic look. She says nothing happened that she was 'just being nice' and then she told me she was going to miami for college after done with our community college. I know it's her life but we have been dating for five years and she didn't even discuss it with me or anything. But I'm trying now to be a better boy friend and want to be able to trust her again so we can stay together when she goes to miami. What do you think I can do to be able to trust again?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 October 2014):
 That's the wrong question you are asking. A better one is, what can I do to get back an ounce of common sense and self respect and let go of someone who basically does not like me , does not respect me, and keeps me around just until she can stick her claws into someone better ?.
Come on , dude, you do not sound dumb at all, you sound an intelligent guy, a bit hypersensitive because of self image issues, but basically strong, proactive, smart , capable of changes and self improvement... why don't you understand that the only weight you have to lose is the 120 pounds ( or what is it ) of her ?...
I mean, she is as predictable as the cycle of seasons ! it's like a fact of nature : EVERY summmer she will cheat on you, tell you lies, breach your trust, at the very least flirt in a way that's disrespectful for you, so not innocuous ( flirting with your workmates- how unclassy ).
By now she also sounds eventually fed up with you , and if she wants to live " her life ", it's sort of predictable that it will be a life of cheap thrills, and several hooks ups, - while you stay home pining for her and looking like a mug.
If you want to be a better bf- find a better gf . This one, you don't need her.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 October 2014):
The easiest way to trust someone is to be with someone whose trustworthy. Your girlfriend is anything but. She's cheated on you several times.
The problem is her insecurity. That's why she gets posses when you do things and that's why she's always seeking the attention of more than one guy.
It's time you realize that she's the one with issues, none of this has anything to do with your weight.
So, if you want to trust again, dump her and find someone who's worth trusting!
Btw, your insecurity is off the charts as well. That's the reason you're so into her. You crave her acceptance and it's causing you to make some pretty terrible decisions.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 October 2014):
 "What do you think I can do to be able to trust again?"
Absolutely nothing. You're dating but are not in a mutually satisfying or healthy relationship.
I would end the relationship as soon as she leaves if not before. Stop spending money on her now.
Losing weight and getting "hotter"? It's good to be healthy and fit but doing it to try to hang on to someone who just isn't that into you isn't sustainable. You need to be healthy and fit for yourself. It's a good thing.
Becoming someone you are not in order to hang to someone who doesn't love you just as you are? Not a good idea.
End the relationship. Line up your siblings and friends for moral support (I expect they've been waiting for you to clue in and get smart and dump her for YEARS). Tell your doctor what's going on and ask for a referral to a therapist. Then say goodbye to her. And then, GO TO THAT THERAPIST. Do it.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (8 October 2014):
What should you do? You won’t like my answer, but I think you’re asking completely the wrong question. What you should be doing is breaking up with her and seeing this woman for what she is: some-one who, for 5 years, has taken advantage of your vulnerability, emotionally abused you, and left you with such little self-confidence, and so dependent on her love and affection, that she can tell you she dated you out of pity, call you a pathetic creep, do whatever she wants whilst creating a wedge between you and your friends and family, and yet it’s you asking what you should do, and you begging her to take you back. She should be begging your forgiveness, and frankly if I were you, I would forgive her but tell her it’s over and time to go your separate ways.
You have done so much for her. Your family have put her up, and you’ve risked your help to rapidly lose weight to please her. She lets you think all is well for a while then starts taking advantage of you again, and you just let her. You’ll never be good enough, you’ll never be thin enough, because this woman likes being able to control you and manipulate you. She tries to keep you by belittling you so that you’re too defeated to actually do anything about it even when her behaviour is totally unreasonable.
Do I think you’ll leave her? Probably not. I think you’ll probably feel angry and want to disagree with me when you first read this. But read it a second, and a third time, and see if you still really can’t see the emotional abuse and manipulation of this girl. You deserve much much more than this.
I wish you all the very best.
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