A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:It's a long story so be patient with me. I met C when she was 17 and I was 25. I had no idea how old she was because she moved in the same friendship circles I did. We went on a few dates and there was this spark. I fell for her instantly. She was witty and girly and clever. When I kissed her for the first time my heart felt like it could explode. She then disappeared. 2 years later I saw her at a cocktail bar. She had matured but was seeing someone. We swapped numbers and met up a couple of times. I made myself date other women but none compared to her. To how I felt when I was with her. We lost touch again then we met just before her 22nd birthday.she was single and this time something was different. She actually has given us a chance. I asked her why she disappeared and she was honest. She told me it was all too intense for 17 year old her to handle that she needed time. I get that. So now. We've been dating a year and it has been the best year of my life. I turned 30 last week and i want to settle. I want C to be my wife. I never know how she will react to commitment though. C had a rough time watching her parents in an awful relationship and of I ever mention marriage she shy's away from the conversations, the one time she didn't she said she would like a small wedding. Do I just propose? I know she loves me and I know she scares easily but I need this woman as my wife. I knew 5 years ago that she was the one. Will this scare her away? How do I go about asking her?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 January 2015):
 I suggest you talk to her about marriage first, before popping the questions. Don't surprise attack her, as it probably will scare her away. Test the waters first by talking about marriage, just to hear her view on it in general. You can start the conversation by saying something like this perhaps: "Hey, I wanted to ask you something. I have a feeling you're uneasy about the topic, but I just want to hear what you actually think. I know you had a tough time watching your parents relationship, and maybe that's why we've never talked about it, but where do you see yourself in the future? Do you want marriage and kids? Or do you see yourself living with a boyfriend without the legal obligations?
Something like that. Word it in a way that it will come naturally to you. You don't mention whether you already live together or not, or whether her parents were married or not, so I don't know how the situation is, but you should talk to her about this BEFORE proposing.
Also, have you mentioned to her that YOU would like to be married in the future? Does she know? Because if she knows this, then it's got to be something she'd thought about, since she's with you. Or could be she is just stringing you along, hoping you will change your mind about marriage and stay unmarried for as long as she prefers. Who knows. You should talk to her. Because if you propose and she says NO, then what? You will either end the relationship or have an awkward situation. Or what if she says yes just because she wants to avoid said awkwardness?
Better to talk about it first. And if the moment is right, you can propose in a less formal way by just asking her while you're laying comfortably on the couch after having had the conversation. Just a suggestion.
But to be very honest with you, those who propose HAVE had a talk about it first and are often very sure of what the answer will be. So if you do not know what the answer will be, or you suspect she will say no, then I would take this as a good reason to NOT propose. Unless you feel you are running out of time and need a direct answer right now. Because by the sounds of it, she will say no.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (26 January 2015):
 Sounds great! Can you wait another 5 years? It might take that.
FA
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 January 2015):
Maybe it'd be better to go to pre marriage counseling first. I don't think there's a set of words that will stop her from being afraid of marriage. Maybe you can get a ring, get down on one knee and ask her to be your "life partner"?
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