A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I came out of a tumultuous 2-year relationship only a handful of months ago. I loved her so incredibly much, but we were constantly breaking up and getting back together (never once was it my decision to split) over petty, insignificant fights, and it was killing me. It happened countless times. We would have a little disagreement, and due to her anxiety issues, she would lash out and end the relationship, saying she couldn't handle the pressure and stress. Then profusely apologize about a week later and swear she would never do it again. Beg me to take her back. We finally went our separate ways when I made a final ultimatum when I took her back this one last time, that if she broke up with me one more time over a small disagreement, we would be done, as it had completely eroded my faith in the stability of our relationship over time and my overall trust in her. Well sure enough, after swearing she wanted to go to therapy together and work through this, she lashed out and did it again and ended things. I have not spoken to her since. I met a girl about two months ago, and we started seeing each other. Initially, I intended for it to only be a fling, as I was still deeply in love with my ex. Despite the break ups, I loved her more than I've ever loved another person. But after a couple of weeks of fun with this new girl, I started to realize that she was really pretty great and had a ton of the qualities I'd always been looking for. Now, two months later, we get along fantastically and have absolutely no issues and are so incredibly compatible, it's unbelievable. Which is wonderful. The problem is that I'm still hurting over my ex. I still miss her deeply, to the point of tears when I think about the loss of her from my life. It still hurts incredibly deeply. And even recently, I've began dreaming about her. They aren't pleasant dreams. They are usually of us bumping into each other somewhere and pretending to not notice the other or to care. Or that she is acting like she's over me. I hate what I'm feeling because I genuinely care so deeply for this new girl. She's legitimately everything I want in a woman and I would be really hard-pressed to ever find such compatibility again. I find myself caring very deeply for her but not able to fall in love. Granted, it is still early yet. But I fear that because I still love my ex so much, I have no room in my heart to love another person. What do I do? I still love my ex with my entire heart. It won't seem to go away. But I can't just pine after a love lost forever and never move on. I need advice. Why am I dreaming about her like this, and how do I handle this situation as a whole? Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (27 January 2015):
 I hope that you will take the time to consider what some of us are saying, even though I know it isn't what you want to hear. Please let the girl go. You really aren't in the right place to be dating her or anyone else, and in the long run you are probably going to hurt her and even yourself. Some people can move on very quickly from relationships and some people just can't. I'm one of those people. I honestly don't know how people can just go from one person to another after a break up, but I guess that's just their makeup.
I was married for 2 years, it was a very turmultous relationship. We were young and immature and my husband had a bad temper and become physically abusive. I filed for divorce even though stupid as it sounds, I still loved him. He moved on immediately, got a girl pregnant before our divorce was final and 6 weeks after the divorce he remarried. I was just absolutely gutted. At first I tried to date but it was just pointless. I would sit there the whole date comparing the guy to my ex, thinking about my ex, and then going home and crying about my ex. I still loved him even though I knew I had to leave him. It took me 3 years to get over him. I stopped trying to date and trying to make things work with other people because I just wasn't ready.
I'm not saying it will take you 3 years, but you should take time to yourself and not try to see someone when you heart isn't in it. Let's face it..you don't have a heart to give to anyone else, your ex still has it! Tell the girl the truth, don't let her think that you are free to love again when you aren't. And then let her decide. If she wants to see you fine..maybe you can just casually date? Be friends? But don't let her think it can be serious right now. You just aren't ready.
I wish you well. Break ups really suck when you still love someone. It takes time, but time does truly heal wounds. Just don't try to run when you should be walking.
A
female
reader, anonem +, writes (26 January 2015):
 I have been in the exact position you are in right now. I loved a guy for two years and it took me 3 years together over him making it a total of 5 years. In the space of this three years(still hurting over this guy), the guys I dated, I never loved them, I only had reasons to date them and the ones I had no reasons to date, I dated out of sympathy. And I can also tell you I broke up with each one of them more than 10times(these relationships were not even up to 7 months). I totally am not happy with that decision till date because I led some nice guys on who are not still over me till date and believe it would eventually work out. I would honestly tell you, you are not ready for a relationship. Just let the new girl go because if you lead her on, you would be dating her for sympathy(may be she's a nice girl and you might feel sorry for her) which is unfair. What if she falls in love with you and you no longer can stand the fact that you can't get over your ex, then you would be pretentious, distant, unreal and cold towards her(this you might not notice) and if she complains, you might say she's nagging or clingy. You would be tempted to call your ex, check her pictures on social media, have a bitter sweet feeling if you hear about her, etc, it's natural but don't if you have finally made up your mind to move on. The hardest thing is moving on but when you finally do, trust me you are done. The decision is yours and you have to make up your mind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): I had a situation like this happen before, so I can relate. I know that deep love that you're talking about. However, love is not just something you can undo, it takes time for your heart to heal and open up to a new love. You're defining your ex as being that feeling. What about this new girl? Is it possible that you love her and are just missing your ex?
My advice is that time heals all wounds.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (26 January 2015):
 If you still love your ex with your entire heart, you're not ready to get into another relationship.
I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with your new girlfriend and explain to her that you're just not in a position to be in a relationship yet as you're finding it hard to move on from your last one.
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