A
female
age
36-40,
*ettyBoup
writes:My boyfriend is 41, I'm 24. We've been together 2 years. I go to Uni so we see each other for a month or so at a time, then we are apart for a month or 2. I love him very much. When I met him i thought he is my perfect man in so many ways and i could happily be with him for a long time. i'm not so naive to say he's the 'one', but you get what I'm saying.The problem is our sex life. I want a rich, active sex life, and would love to have sex every day or every 2 days. He has joked he only wants it once a month. We now have sex every 1 to 2 weeks. Our sex life vstarted really well, but he began rejecting my advances after about 6 months. He says it's because he's 41 and sex isn't high on his list anymore, he's tired from his job, his blood pressure meds reduce his libedo, he's worried he doesn't satisfy me, so he'd rather avoid sex than work on it! We've had many arguments/conversations about this and sometimes he makes an effort. The sex we do have can be amazing, the best I've ever had.I have been back with him for over a month now, and it took a few days before he came near me. We've slept together about 3 times in that time. I would think that as we havn't seen each other for 6 weeks before then, he would want to make up for lost time, but no.I now rarely try to initiate sex, as in the past he often rejects me, and sometimes shouts at me, because he is tired and has work the next day. So now I have been holding my sexual feelings inside but they're turing into negative feelings as he seems so blaze about how often we have sex. Yesterday he said, I was thinking today I have to have sex with you soon, or you'll be thinking I don't love you. The thing is I know he does love me, but I don't think he desires me. That is missing. It's just breaking my heart because I loved him so much, I still love him. But this issue is eating away at my love. I realise that he is who he is. He doesn't desire the same sex life as I do. But in many other ways we are well suited. And I love him. I do not want this to be over yet. I want to be woth him a long time. I just feel a really deep sadness. Like something is missing. I feel like I'm missing out. When he talks about wild things he's done in the past, I'm so jealous. It hurts more that he used to be into sex and had lots of wild sex with other women. He's done the things I want to try like outdoors, up the stairs, in water, in a chair with other women in the past. We talk about doing these things and joke around, but it never actually happens :( I know that getting upset about this and moaning to him is only going to make it a bigger problem, but I'm scared to try to initiate the sex I want because of his past reactions. I feel that I am starting to resent the situation. I can't understand why he doesn't desire me that way anymore. It's eating away at my self esteem and my esteem for the relationship.Its getting to the point where I dont want to sleep with him, even when he does, because I feel he doesn't really fancy me he just doesn it out of duty because he knows I want sex. I feel I don't want that kind of sex, if he doesn't desire me, why should I desire him. I just feel so bad inside. Last night I rejected him.I love him. I want this to work. What can I do? Am I being too neurotic about this and over analysing, or do I have a right to feel like this for his behaviour? Is he in the worng for ignoring my needs. I know our sex life isn't as bad as some people's. At least we have sex 3 or 4 times a month.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): Nope-- don't settle for a partner with a low-sex drive if you think you'd like more frequent or wilder sex. You'll just grow to resent each other, and sooner or later you'll find yourself in a position to cheat and may or may not be able to resist the opportunity.
Can the two of you start over as a platonic friendship?
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (1 July 2010):
BettyBoup is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for your responses.
Last night he opened up to me about his worries about having a very low sex drive. This is the first time he has expressed that he feels it is a problem. In the past he has always said, 'this is just the way I am', which doesn't make me feel any better. He also said he will try to prioritise sex more and achknoledged that it had been quite infrequent recently. He also said that this had always been the same. In past relationships, after 6 months his sex drive just went, even in his 20s.
This was great as it's made me really realise that it is not me, it is him and his sex drive. So hopefully we can move on from here :)
For me, only having wild sex in the first 6 months is just really sad! I mean, that would mean finding a new partner every 6 months, which is just rediculous! I think sex is something that should get better and better, as you become closer and more comfortable with you long term partner.
"do not place expectations on him without him knowing: He was away, and you "felt" he should want to make up for "lost time"" I don't think I was placing an expectation on him, I just would have thought, that having not had sex for 7 weeks, and not seeing me in that time, that he would be keen to be intimate. I guess this shows where our sexual/romantic needs/values differ. I am always keen to get back to him after uni asap, whereas he is quite happy to wait and has never come over to see me at uni. Which he again says is down to work commitments etc. I think I am just a romantic person and prioritise my relationship above anything else.
Thnaks for your advice anyway. It's helped me see things differently and clarify my feelings :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): I am 41, recently divorced, and with a 40 y.o. woman who has a voracious sex drive. In my marriage, we averaged once a week. I am an every other day kinda guy, so I woul dusually masturbate a few times a week whern I was married. Sometimes I wouldnt, and would let it "build up" so the sex was off the hook wild. But I eventually got tired of the rejection and other things, and left. The funny thing is, roles are a bit reversed now...my new GF likes it a bit more than me, and I find myself putting her off sometimes. However, there is a difference...talking, and compromising. I compromise with her. If I really dont feel in the mood, I will caress her, give her oral or spend time talking. It sounds like this guy is not doing that for you...only looking out for his feelings or his workload. That's not fair, and if he doesn't compromise and spend time with you, you will grow to regret the situation and it will fall apart. You should NOT just put up with it. Happiness is everything in life, and it DOES start in the bedroom, contrary to what everyone says. Many many other things factor in, but if you are unhappy with sex, your relationship is probably doomed. You need to talk about it with him. He has to understand your needs. You need to reach a mutually agreeable compromise. I will say this tho...do not place expectations on him without him knowing: He was away, and you "felt" he should want to make up for "lost time". It is unfair for you to place this expectation on him, because you are projecting what YOU might do onto him. But if he just won't give you what you need, you need to move on.
And I don't buy the "I'm 41 so it isn't a priority anymore" thing. I'm sure there are some guys who may have this issue, and if he is on meds, it may very well be true. What do you mean by he's worried he wont please you? Does he not get hard?...that may indeed be from meds or diabetes. Is he "small"? well, yeah, that can mess with guys confidence. But if none of these things apply, I'd say he's full of it. As a hot blooded 41 year old male, I can honestly say my sex drive has never been higher. I might require a bit more manual stimulation than when I was 18 and just walking into Victorias Secret gave me wood, but aside from that, I'm as horny as a bull and as hard as steel. I last hours, recover in seconds someitmes, and crave sex totally. But thats just me. All guys are different. You need to find one who you are truly compatible with if he doesnt do it.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (30 June 2010):
BettyBoup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your insight. I just know that if the shoe was on the other foot, I would do anything I could to make it better. I would never want him to feel this way. I know it is simply a difference of values and attitudes to sex. Neither is to blame. I believe sex is very healthy and beneficial. I think that everyone should have as much sex as they can fit around their lives. It brings couples closer, is good exercise and releases endorphins, improving depression. I could never see any reason to turn down sex with my partner. It's a good thing. It's an expression of my love for that person. Why would you not want to express your love for each other?But I know it is not this way for him. This breaks my heart. I love him so much. I've built a life with him and saw my future with him. I want to be with him. But it's a big part of life to be missing. A rich, experimental, frequent sex life has always been an aspiration and dream of mine. Not having it is a big price to pay. If I didn't love him this much and adore being with him, leaving him would be the simple answer. But I still have hope because when we first got together our sex life was how I'd always hoped for. It is as if something happened in his mind which changed his attitude towards me sexually. I'm still hoping this will come out at some point and we can get back on the track we were going on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): I think this is just something you are going to have to accept. I have a lowish sex drive as well, and I can't tell you how annoying it is to have someone wanting sex when I don't want to. It is the biggest turn off of all. On the other hand, I have also been in your position; my ex didn't want much sex and I found it very frustrating. All I can say is, I'm sure you are not the problem, just sex in general, if you see what I mean. That's how it is with me anyway. I don't love my partner any less just because I don't want as much sex as he does. And for me it is all about being stressed and tired and having difficulty switching off and stopping thinking about work, etc. Having extra pressure for sex makes it even worse. But, I also understand having feelings of rejection. I think the bottom line is that you will have to learn to live with different sex drives, or split up. "Working on it" doesn't mean that he will want more sex, it probably means that he will have more sex with you for your sake, even if he doesn't really enjoy it (I have been through this myself). I imagine that the age gap maybe has something to do with it too. I don't think he is in the wrong for ignoring your needs, and I think you would be wrong to try and pressure him into sex which he does not want (imagine if it was the other way round?)I think you need to get used to it or find someone else. Good luck!
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