A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:ok so this is confusing. Been with my partner 3 years. It's on and off long distance, which has been hard but we've always worked out ok. Well I'm having an have been having doubts and I don't know if its my insecurity or what. Well I have this feeling that we are with each other for different reasons. I think he doesn't fancy me because hes told me hes been out with really hot women which implied that in his opinion I'm not really hot. Now I am insecure about my body because I am overweight and I want to change and be healthy for my own happiness but I have been overweight most of my life. Now I know he likes skinny girls with big boobs. Hes never directly said that he is turned off by my body, but I'm sure he is.I can lose weight but I will never be "hot". I try to accept this but it still affects my relationship. I feel like he is settling for less than he finds attractive sexually for personality, and that really gets to me. I don't want to be just good company and a nice person to my partner. I want an equal who find me as attractive as I find him. The thing is that he never seems interested in sex and is happy when an excuse is available not to have sex. We have been almost a month without it before, which i find unsettling as we only see each other 6 months in a year.I'm just trying to work him out. He says the right things when we fight. That he is attracted just has a low sex drive. But I cant help feel its not the whole truth. Its just that he has been promiscuous and has been with many women more attractive than me. And he is older than me a lot. So it feels like hes sown his seed so hes happy to settle for a less attractive, therefore less high maintenance girlfriend who is good company, but not sexy. Hes actually said he likes that i'm not high maintenance, because I'm a chilled out person. But he's also said hes been with really hot women who were high maintenance and were a pain. The way he said it made it out like I was more desirable as a girlfriend, but afterwards I thought, that still means hes settling for personality and an easy life over the whole package that takes more work.So I just want to know do you think this is the case? Is he settling for an easy life and not bothered about sex because he has had so much with "hot" women? And how would you feel if you were me? I don't know if I am happy with this. I love him for the good I have seen in him. And I know my body type - big fat hips, thighs and boobs - is more comedy than sexy, but I know someone would find me sexy and want what I want from a relationship. I thought he did, but after 6 months he just seemed to lose interest. I'm so confused :(
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boobs, insecure, long distance, lose weight, overweight, sex drive Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 October 2011):
 AH OK I feel better 5 stone is not like 6 pounds or something so it's a bit realistic. Walking and HIKING are great exercise and since you like them it's a win-win situation.
LOSING the weight is EASY.. it's the keeping it off that's hard. I agree.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, I agree. But I also know I am am an unhealthy weight - about 5 stone too much which is the most I've weighed. When we met I was 3 to 4 stone overweight, which is a lot, but I felt curvy. Now I feel huge. So I know some of it is insecurity and some of it is reality. I am unattractive right now. But I can change that. I just need to figure out how to lose weight again. I've done it before, but if I'm not always careful weight goes back on again because I like my food and am not into sports. But I'm going to start walking and hiking as I enjoy that.
Thank you everyone, I feel better about things now :)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 October 2011):
just remember UBER skinny girls are NOT sexy.. most men especially older men prefer curves and softness on women...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. I guess being insecure and overanalysing things is my main problem here.
As for talking to him, I have done, but it's hard. He does get angry and frustrated and has said he thinks I just make things up to be pissed off about. Maybe it is because I am insecure that I think there is a problem when maybe there isn't.... :/
I think maybe I am very sensitive and pick up on little things in his behavior when maybe he's having a bad day and assume there is problem.
I know I don't see myself as sexy right now, as I've gained weight, and that will be part of the problem. I am currently eating less and exercising more so hopefully this will help when i see some results.
I guess its true. If he didn't fancy me at all, it would be odd for him to stay with me for 3 years. Maybe hes being honest when he says its just that his sex drive is not what it was. The only reason I have questioned this is because my ex who was a year younger was also a once a week guy(I'm a once a day girl), but maybe that was just unfortunate for me. Maybe I will take up hiking ;)
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A
female
reader, HoneyComb +, writes (3 October 2011):
You are in your 20's and he's "a lot older". Sexually speaking, you're in your prime, but he could have low testosterone or just not as interested in sex as he used to be. This part of the NORMAL aging process. It doesn't mean he's not interested in you! Very frustrating for a man and he may be feeling inadequate. He truly wants to please you, but he can't make it work like it used to.
If you don't feel sexy do something about it. Exercise regularly and eat healthy. You don't have to be svelte...sexy comes from the inside. Wear clothes that flatter you and get a new look ... change your hair and makeup. Feeling good about yourself will enrich all your relationships. But if you think that will make him more sexual, think again. You need to find other outlets to relieve stress when you're together...hiking, biking, etc.
p.s. have you ever seen these so called "hot" chicks? You might be surprised by how ordinary they are.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 October 2011):
There is a LOT to be said for EASY low maintanence women.
AND there is all kinds of sexy. AND you don't know he doesn't think you are sexy. Have you asked him?
I think part of the problem is how YOU see yourself. And what you feel you are projecting out... it' may not be the truth. It may be YOUR truth and not his. He may be very happy with things the way they are.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 October 2011):
 You need to sit down and talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. You need to be straight with him. It sounds like you are a very insecure person and you question everything he says and does and always find a hidden meaning behind it weather it is there or not. Its not only him I think you would be like this with any man you are with. At the end of the day he may have been with skinny girls and big girls. But personality does play a huge part in falling in love with someone. Off course he does need to be attracted to you as well. And I really don't think he would have lasted this long with you unless he was getting something out of the relationship as well. You need to start building up your confidence but also you need to start telling him how you are feeling. He needs to know.
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