A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiMy boyfriend of 6 years and i have had a really rough time lately and the other night we had an amazing night where we completely opened up 2 each other n told each other everything (i know after 6 years we should already know everything right?) anyway there was very little to tell on my half but he told me that when he was 16 years old he gave and received a blow job from a male friend, this happened on two occasions, he said since then he has been on gay websites and on cam to other guys, 2 guys in particular who are quite local where they talk about what they would do to each other in the bedroom and play with themselves over the cam. My boyfriend admitted to texting these guys and that hes met one of them once however just for a coffee and nothing happened. He said they often arrange to meet up but one of them always seems to have an excuse. The boys he talks to also have girlfriends and one even is married and has a child. He said that with one of them they have even discussed being boyfriends and living together but that it would have to remain secret and just say there were flat mates living in a 2 bedroom flat. Ive taken this suprisingly well, in the bedroom were very adventurous and he enjoys anal penetration with fingers/toys etc. He says he isnt gay or even bi sexual but surely he is?Im really worried im going to lose him to some guy, i feel honoured that he has so much trust in me to tell me something like this but i just cant help thinking if we stay together so many years down the line its just guna hit that hes gay and hes going to leave me.Can i have your opinions please?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): whether he's straight, bi or gay, there will always be a possibility that he could go behind your back.
If he was straight would you worry that he might go off with another girl?
Perhaps you should express your concerns to him, and see where that goes.
Trust is very important in a relationship...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): Did this stuff (talking and masturbating on webcam, meeting for coffee, discussing future plans) happen while he was together with you? Because if so, isn't he kind of cheating on you already, even if he says nothing happened? He still made plans to meet someone else and masturbated on webcam. Being confused about your sexuality isn't an excuse to be deceitful, as far as I'm concerned. If it happened before you came along then he was very young and maybe just experimenting, but if he has gone as far as to discuss living with another guy but pretending the relationship is platonic, I think it goes further. He sounds like he's gay. He trusted you enough to tell you this, now you have the right to bring up your fears with him, in as non-judgmental way as possible.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (3 October 2011):
My gut feeling on this is your boyfriend and these two other guys will probably not meet up. They get a bit of a thrill from talking dirty to each other and watching each other, but all three have female partners and make excuses instead of meeting up to act on their fantasies.The one thing that raises a red flag is that he has talked/fantasized with one of these men and they broached the subject of moving in together and living as 'flatmates'. You need to continue to have an open conversation about this issue because you are obviously devoted to him and wish to spend your life together with him. You need to make it clear to him exactly what your relationship boundaries are, and find out whether he sees you as a life long partner. You need to discuss whether he can be fully satisfied by your actions in the bedroom, or if he there is a possibility that he will want to be with a man. If he feels he may want to be with a man in the future, you need to decide whether this is a dealbreaker for you, or if you are ok with him occasionally and safely indulging this side of his sexuality so long as certain boundaries aren't crossed. If you are ok with this, you may wish to consider whether you would be able to live in a polyamorous relationship where he can indulge both aspects of his sexuality in a safe and loving long-term relationship with two people.Because the subject is fresh, the best thing to do is keep your dialog going while you decide the best way to proceed.I do hope everything works out for both of you. It is obvious that you care deeply about him.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 October 2011):
 Wow you speak about this so matter of factly. It seems you are handling all of this very well. If it were me it would take a while for it to sink in. He says he is not gay or bi sexual but he must be or else he wouldn't be doing these things. He is in denial and I am sorry to say that it could be a big possibility that he will go behind your back with another man. He might not leave you because he does not want to accept that he may be gay. But there probably will come a day where temptation is in his way and he will be sexual with another guy. I guess its up to you now on what you want to do.
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