A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Is it wrong of me to want some good old fashioned sexual attention . My husband barely notices me . I dress up , get my hair and nails done regularly . Plan trips away . Yet all he is interested in is his girly sites online . I'm happy in my life . This is not about a lack of fulfillment or needing 'other activities ' this is about good old fashioned sex and needing to feel like a womanMy husband seems to think I'm too old to be sexy anymore or he is bored of me . What do I do short of have an affair . I'm a sexual woman and I dont want to spend the rest of my life living like an old housewife . I want to feel sexy and noticed and f....d!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 April 2017):
 Have you spoke to him about how neglected you feel? Honestly he is your husband sit down with a cuppa and tell him honestly how you are feeling. Plan a sexy weekend away!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2017): Thanks fatherly advice , yes I have decided to talk to him about whether he is willing to seek help for his porn problem. If he is not I am planning to initiate divorce proceedings . It's been a long and hard decisions building over many years but to be honest I'm tired of putting in all the effort and him doing nothing and not caring or being interested in me . Other men seem to still notice me at times so I figure I can't be unattractive. I suppose I was just unlucky to marry a man who is only attracted to young women.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (5 April 2017):
 Well that leaves his habit as the major roadblock. No one gets younger. He is foolish to lust after 22 year olds. Apparently they believe all kinds of impossible things.
You may want to look into an addiction recovery program. If he is going to let his porn habit wreck his life it's time for a wake up call.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2017): Hi fatherly advice , thanks for you follow up . All our kids have left home . We have sex a couple times a month I always initiate . I know you say that porn is easier but I DONT reject him. Nor am I a nag . In fact he often comments that he is glad I'm easy to live with and not uptight . The bedroom has no tv and I don't think we have real roadblocks . I've always been conscious of making it an area of escape ons beauty.we are both in good health . He has no problems getting erections ('particularly not with porn ) I have really gone over everything here and although I know you say it's may be silly to compare myself to porn and think he is choosing that , it does seem pretty obvious that's what he is doing The anon girl who thinks she is never getting old ( not what lovely ignorant bliss that was to be 22 and think we would be young forever lol) is probably right in that he just prefers it . I honestly feel like I'm trying to make a marriage work in which I lack the only one thing he wants - youth
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2017): As wiseOwlE suggested find out if he is suffering errectile dysfunction. That is he faces difficulty in getting it up or getting it hard enough and sustaining it to have a proper intercourse. If that is the case he should see the doctor. There are a host of medication to overcome it. But if he is ok health wise but he is just bored of having sex with you which is very common after many years of marriage, then the options are either you get a vibrator or get his permission to take up a lover or join a swingers club or accept the fact that the sexual phase of your marriage is over and it has become a partnership of interests and companionship.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 April 2017):
We need a lot more information before I can begin to offer advice. Here are some suggestions of the kind of information that would be useful.
Time in the relationship.
Children, how many , and ages, and if they are living at home.
Sexual frequency, Currently and historically through out the relationship.
Pornography frequency.
Initiation, Who gets it started? How? How often?
Health and fitness of both partners.
Start anywhere. We may not need all of that but any help you can offer will improve the advice you receive.
Full Stop. OK I have to admit that I didn't read all of the previous advice. I see that you are following up (Thank You!)
I'd like to take a different tack on your problem if you are willing to go there. First my questions about history are priority. Second it is always easier to change ourselves (because we are motivated) than to change the other person. I'm going to start with looking at you. So please don't think I am attacking you. Think that I am trying to help you solve a difficult and complex problem.
You said in your follow up, "It seems that the only thing that turns him on now is a younger body . I guess he just doesn't want me anymore." Many women your age and younger express exactly these feelings. I've come to the conclusion after years as an agony Uncle That women continuously Compare. He is looking at women online, What is the difference between them and me? You are asking this, right? but you got the answer wrong. Men look at porn, not because the women in porn are more attractive, it is because they are EASIER. One click and it's off. Living with a full time partner is much harder, and there are fails , disconnects, and rejections, unintentional and even occasionally intentional. Real life interferes.
So men get lazy. They can get sexual pleasure with just a few mouse clicks. So they choose the easy option. That is an explanation, but not advice. Here is the, what can you do. Consciously think about barriers to sex in your lives. What can you do to eliminate or minimize roadblocks. Is your shyness a roadblock? Are your Rules road blocks? Are you willing to adjust. Now those are the personal roadblocks. Next lets look at him. Is his health a road block? His habit is a road block (more on that later) Is his Stamina a road block. Is his attitude a road block?
Still on road blocks but breaking the paragraph for easy reading. What about the home environment. Are kids a road block? Is the bedroom a roadblock? (a television in the bedroom is often at the root of sexlessness) How about neighbors? House cleaning?
After roadblocks I want to talk more on being proactive. Many couples find that in a physical disconnect like you are suffering it helps to Schedule sexual encounters. I'm a little worried about this advice because you are not getting good results with planed getaways. I would start by not telling him the schedule, just keep it in your mind and don't be to rigid. When it is time you leave a note on his computer or just tell him "tonight it is my turn for sex, so please save it for me". This way you create a new habit to replace his bad habit. And you do need to do that. The existing habit is not making you happy. This is not the goal this is the tool to get you to the goal.
Please keep following up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2017): some men just prefer younger women full stop. i dont have any problems because im only 22. i dont want to get old.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (4 April 2017):
 Then perhaps you both need to go for some relationship advice.
You seem to have tried most other things. If he wants to re-invigorate your marriage then perhaps that's the best way to go.
Sometimes they advise a period of abstinence and courtship during which you two get to know each other again.
Just a suggestion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2017): Yes I talk to him about it, he improves for a while then back to ignoring me in favour of young women in porn and yes I give him plenty of attention in arousing him . I've tried everything . It seems that the only thing that turns him on now is a younger body . I guess he just doesn't want me anymore
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2017): Have you told him? Have you initiated sex, or does he always have to make the first move?
It is an unfortunate phenomenon in long-term relationships and marriages that sex-drives are uneven; or one partner looses sexual-desire for the other. It is likely his testosterone levels are low, and he can only sustain partial-erections and not full erections necessary for intercourse.
Men neither like discussing their emotions; nor how their equipment functions, or malfunctions, with women. So, he won't discuss sex and may avoid it altogether. Sometimes the threat of divorce is what it takes to get him to open-up. It's unfortunate you would have to levy ultimatums; but that all depends on how stubborn he is, and how much he internalizes. If he never was very affectionate, you were always passive or submissive; then don't expect too much change in an older man.
Performance-anxiety is bad enough; but hiding your sexual-frustrations or erectile-dysfunction is pretty common among older men. The old-school attitude that he's not virile unless he can dominate sexual-activity is the usual misguided mindset behind it all. Double-standards add even more complications. Women aren't supposed to be too sexy, or exhibit strong sexual proclivities.
You can't force him to suddenly want to jump your bones; you're both older people now. Women peak sexually late in life, while men decline. If you can't even get him aroused; it is likely he has just lost interest in intercourse with you; and all the talk and schemes in the world will not change that.
Not knowing either of you, there are so many factors that attribute to sexual problems in relationships. Too often, women don't say what they want; they leave it to men to read their minds. It makes it easy to just dismiss your odd behavior as being female; so sometimes you have to be more open, be more assertive and expressive when it involves sex.
When he was younger, you didn't have to bring it up. All it took was a look. Well, you're older now; so you ought to be comfortable enough with your life-partner to tell him what you need. Until then, you'll keep craving, and he'll just play dumb; and stick to masturbation for pleasure and release.
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A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (4 April 2017):
 Firstly, it's great that you have a healthy sex drive. It's not easy though when one partner is more interested in sex than the other. I have the same problem in that I want a lot more sex than my wife, and it's frustrating. You need to tell him simply that you want him sexually and that you need more sex than you are currently having. Don't have a go at him or criticise him for his lack of sexual initiation. Tell him he's a desirable man and that you want him more than anything! You need to have a positive frame of mind if you are going to get a positive reaction! I wish you all the luck in the world!
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (4 April 2017):
What have you done to get him sexually aroused? Men often think women do their hair and nails to please themselves; or to keep up standards among their female friends. It isn't going to make him think sex.
You will know well enough by now that men seek a quick sexual release. Most women like to take a little longer.
So I ask again, have you got him aroused lately - been a bit pro-active? Has their been a time in your relationship when you just didn't feel like it tonight, and put him off. That kind of thing sticks with a man. If he gets rebuffed he will eventually just stop trying.
So my advice to you is start stoking the fire. Get under the duvet and make him notice. It won't be long before you are getting the attention you desire.
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