A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:It's common for women to refuse sex when they don't want to do it themselves even if their partner is desperate. Some will refuse time after time.Surely if relationships are about compromise, they should look to find a compromise on sex too, but many will just point blank refuse time after time. Why do some women hate it so much?I'm talking here about women with good partners whom they love and who love them back, partners who treat them with love and respect always.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 March 2013):
 OP do you miss the point that no one HERE can tell me why my husband turns down sex... ONLY he can. And to be honest I know why... and I accept it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, for any women who hate sex, please can you explain why you hate it so much?
So_very_confused, i have absolutely no idea why your fella doesn't like it. Maybe you should post the question?!!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2013):
well maybe you need to ask the women that don't want sex why they don't want it.
and while you are at it can you ask my husband why he turns me down all the time (he even turns down blow jobs)
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere were long periods when i didn't ask for sex and put her under no pressure whatsoever, but that made no difference.I never let myself go, and my personal hygene was always good.She was never in any physical discomfort from sex.If some women hate doing it, let's counter that with the fact that many men hate NOT doing it. So for women, is it ok for them to put their men through something men hate just for your own personal preference?However, the thing i really am trying to find out is WHY do some women HATE it so much? What is it that's SO awful about it? This is probably a psychology question. I'm not having a go at women, just trying to understand how their minds work.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): The thing about compromise is that it just means that no one gets what they want and everyone stays unhappy. What I don't understand is why men who are well aware that their partners don't want to have sex and don't enjoy it (with them at least) nevertheless think compromise is a good idea. Rather than ending the relationship.I know you have sexual needs. But will your sexual needs get met if you know your partner is still disliking it and only doing it as a compromise? that means you are perfectly ok with having sex with someone who is hating what you are doing to them. That is disturbing isn't it? Basically it is saying "i know how you hated our sex session last week but its time to do it again because we had a compromise." Seriously, what pleasure do you possibly derive from getting sex from an unwilling woman? The fact that you can get pleasure at her expense is what disturbs her and why she called you selfish. My ex husband was like that too. That just made me want to have sex even less with him knowing that for him it was one sided because he did not care if I enjoyed it or was hating it as long as I did it. With my current hb it is totally different. He never gets mad if I refuse sex and as a result I almost never refuse sex only rarely like if I am sick. I have sex 10 times more with him than with my ex because I actually feel free to say no and thus I feel "safe " and that makes me DESIRE him. If a woman doesn't feel free to say no she will hate it even more. If compromise is asked of her that is saying that she needs to pay up regardless of how she feels and will make her hate it more even if she agrees to the compromise for your sake. Basically if you know she doesn't like sex with you then you should not press for it. Instead you should end the relationship and look for another partner who will be willing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): It sounds like the reason is she simply was not attracted to you.she didn't find you hot or sexually arousing. Having sex with someone you have little to no attraction to or even find repulsive, is extremely unpleasant and conjures up dread when thinking about it such that any compromise is still too much. Did you let yourself go and become unattractive to her? Was your personal hygiene up to her standard? did you do things that made her have a low opinion of you? Women also lose sexual attraction if they lose respect for the man.
Before men go blaming women for not wanting or liking sex with them maybe they should look to see if they are the reason the woman doesn't like sex with them.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2013):
So you want sex 104 times a year and she wants it 0 and you think 52 is fair? I don't.Think of something you really really REALLY don't WANT to do and don't HAVE to do? Got it? Let's say it's something that is not pleasurable at all. wanna do that 52 times a year just to make someone else happy? See for many women no matter what a man does sex will not bring about an orgasm so they may not find it fun. Or maybe she was done making babies and she was told that sex was just for procreation.If sex was uncomfortable for me, no matter what I did or he did, yes it becomes a hardship. Men do not seem to understand how uncomfortable sex can be. Even well lubed may not do it if her body is not aroused... or if her partner is rough... I hated sex with my first husband he was too large and no matter what position we tried it HURT. I sucked it up and never told him but it HURT and he was not being rough. I understand what you are saying but not every woman is willing to put up with pain.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf i wanted sex twice a week and she never, i would think once a week is meeting in the middle.However, my original question is WHY will many women refuse sex? Is it really that hard to let someone make love to you? What hardship is it causing? Why is it such a terrible thing?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 March 2013):
Yep based on your follow up, she just didn't like sex. I don't think in the case you described that anything could have been done to fix it and compromise.
In our house (and many of the houses I know) it's the opposite... the wife has a higher drive than the husband.
Luckily for me, he's very affectionate and cuddly and I'm more than happy to take care of the orgasm part myself (since I do not orgasm from intercourse I'm fine with sex every couple of months) I KNOW this is TMI but if it helps someone it's worth it...
What would you think is an acceptable compromise in the situation you present? If she hated sex so much and you got it maybe 4 times a year... maybe that was her compromise?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK, here are a few more details:It was actually a previous relationship.The sex was maybe four times a year, and she never wanted it.Whatever way I approached her made no difference, neither did the time of the day nor the time of the month.I was always affectionate with her everyday, whether I wanted sex or not.She was on no medication and not near the menopause. She had no symptoms of any illness. She was fit and healthy.I used to romance her.She wasn't interested in foreplay because she wasn't interested in what might come after it, even if she knew it wouldn't.She had kids at school and worked part-time.She cleaned the house occasionally and we shared the cooking.She would promise me things like "we'll do it tomorrow" and then refuse when the time came. This happened often.She was not interested in compromising. She said I was being selfish for wanting something that I knew she didn't enjoy, so therefore I had no right to expect sex ever.She had no interest in mutual masturbation or anything intimate like that.I hope that helps provide a bit more background information.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 March 2013):
Why do some women hate sex so much?
well it could be lots of reasons and the reasons are different for each woman
I will assume that you are speaking from personal experience and that it's your wife and she is saying no more than she is saying yes and you have sex once a month whether she likes it or not...
So for me I usually refuse because he comes at me and gropes me at 2 am when he comes to bed all horny and I've been asleep for a few hours.
So the number one reason for us.. TIMING is off. I prefer sex in the mornings on the weekends or afternoons or after i get home from work before dinner (no kids in our home)... NONE of the times I LIKE HE LIKES so we rarely have sex.
Other than that for THIS husband I rarely turn him down... because, he's affectionate when he doesn't want sex too.
are you only affectionate when you want sex or do you kiss her hello and goodbye every day? do you cuddle her and love her just because? My husband kisses me goodbye every morning and hello every night. He will cuddle me on the couch to watch tv most nights and when he comes to bed he will wake me for a kiss and a cuddle.
if you are not affectionate DAILY that may be part of the issue.
is she peri-menopausal? is she suffering mood swings, hot flashes or the worst vaginal dryness?
is she on medication that decreases her libido?
do you romance her and give her TONS of foreplay... honey I gotta tell you if my husband stuck his head between my legs to wake me when he came to be most nights.. he'd get laid....
is she working full time?
are there kids at home?
does she also cook and clean and do the laundry at the house?
my husband got me a maid... I'm much more inclined to say yes as I'm not worn out from cleaning all weekend...
so before I can tell you why YOUR wife says no... I need more info...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): I wanted to answer this because I had a similar problem, even though I'm a woman! My boyfriend would always turn me down...he was tired, didn't feel well, didn't feel like it, etc. It made me feel awful, like I wasn't attractive enough or something. Even worse would be if he said "let's have sex later" and then we wouldn't...I would get excited for nothing! So I hope she isn't doing that to you.I think some compromise is key--if you want it every day, and she wants it once a week, maybe you can compromise on every other day? Communication is really important. Also finding other ways....if she isn't always up for sex (understandable, since it takes time, energy, etc.) things like mutual masturbation can be rewarding and intimate.Also, try to find out why she isn't up for it...she may have unexpressed sexual dissatisfaction (does she always get off when you have sex? is there enough foreplay? those things are really important for women!)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): There are many reasons that a woman's sex drive may be lacking. Men have viagra when their function is reduced, women have no such crutch. Is your partner on any medications that may actually reduce her drive? Is she going through menopause? Is she in good physical shape? For that matter, are you in good physical shape? I think the scope of what can go wrong is too large on the little information given here, sorry I can't be of more help.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (20 March 2013):
I used to have the same problems you are speaking of, then I got engaged to a South American woman. Problem solved.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 March 2013):
 We men do all sorts of things to justify the behaviour of our women and the frustrations we experience when they choose not to be sexually active with us.....
In fact, this works both ways.... so, IF we (men or women) choose to spend time with a partner who is NOT sexually compatible with us... then we must endure THEIR sexual agenda rather than our own...
Some, will do so (endure) indefinitely. Some will seek and/or find an "extra-relationship" or "extramarital" partner(s) to fill the void of our sexual mismatch.... and some will simply give up and split from our "not sexually compatible" partner...
Your choice...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): It doesn't matter how much we love our partner, but there are times of the month befor period when we don't want to have sex. Reasons are that we are bloated, mood swings and so on. Out stomachs becomes very hard and uncomfortable during that time, and the last thing on our minds is sex.Women constructed very differently than men. It takes us longer to get aroused and much much longer to reach orgazm. For us it's not a fast process. You can get a "quickly" in a car for literally few minutes, just remember every time we, women do it, we basically do it just for you, because all we have from it is a start with no ending. My boyfriend liked doing it very much before we would go out. He got his pleasure of course all the time, and I was feeling restless for the rest of the night. That's why we refuse if we know it will be just that, or when we are tired we know it takes much more concentration , and we don't want to do it. Believe me, we do it "just" for you many more times than you think.
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