A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for over 10 years. My wife and I have major sex issues. She wants it a couple of times a month, and I want it 3-4 times a week. Needless to say, it is a constant struggle. The big problem, though, is (like most guys) I'm very visual. The things that turn me on involved visual stimulation. When she gives me oral sex, I want to watch her do it. If she's facing the other way, and I can't see, it's very frustrating because half of the pleasure is in seeing her go-to-town. She's so beautiful and I'm so in love with her, and I just really get off on seeing her in the act of pleasuring me. She won't face me, and she certainly doesn't seem to enjoy it. I'd love it if she would moan, or smile, or open her eyes and look at me in a sexy way, or talk dirty. Nor will she let me have an orgasm anywhere near her face. She feels that it is degrading, like the same as a golden shower. I don't want to dominate or degrade her; I just want to see her work out every last drop and ENJOY herself in the process! She doesn't have to taste or swallow so it's not an issue of it tasting bad. I just want to keep it light and fun and playful and sexy. Not that big a deal after 10 years of marriage, right? I give her oral pleasure as often as she wants (which is once a month at the most) - but I would do it every day if that is what she wanted. I'm a giving person! Am I selfish and unreasonable? Is oral sex (and the resulting male orgasm) degrading for a woman? Is it degrading or weird for me to want to watch her? I am losing my mind!! Any advice would be appreciated!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): Maybe she just doesn't enjoy sex. Therefore, I think you should BOTH comprimise.
3-4 times a week is a bit, much, particularly someone who obviously doesn't enjoy sex that much - not blaming you, she just doesn't sound like a sexual person.
twice a month is whoaa that's a break and a half. Maybe...once a week. Personally I'd have it twice a week but I'm more up for it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): Oops, that's "Good luck". I don't know what the heck a "lich" is.
While I'm back, let me add that, in discussing a problem, also be very careful not to say something insulting or hurtful to the other person. That is the best way to clam the other person up in a hurry. I've learned that the hard way too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): It doesn't sound to me like you are being selfish and unreasonable. You are not trying to make sex one sided, with you getting and not giving. Men are much different from each other and women are much different from each other. Some women, and some men for that matter, consider cuming on a woman’s face or any part of her body degrading. I don’t know how to change her view on that, as my wife likes that and I have never had to change her opinion of that. I don’t know what my other past girlfriends thought of that, as I didn’t date any of them long enough to feel comfortable bringing that subject up. However, one of my girlfriends did hint at it, but I never did it with her. As far as oral sex, 3 of my 5 partners in my life liked oral sex both ways and I don’t think the other 2 liked it much either way.
My sex drive has always been higher than my wife’s, but fortunately we have been closer in our desires than you and your wife are. There were times in our 29 year relationship where we only had sex 1 to 3 times a month. Those times were when we both had stressful and tiring jobs. That would cause us to argue more than normal for us and that, coupled with being tired, resulted in much less frequent sex. Nothing turns a woman off as fast as an argument, unless it is the type that results in a “kiss and make up” situation. Most guys can forget the argument and screw 10 minutes later. Not so for a woman.
I know that most companies in the US are pushing employees harder than ever these days. I retired early because of that and I talk with friends who say that it is getting worse. If she has a stressful job, or one that she doesn’t like, it could result in some depression and a loss of sexual desire. If this is coupled with you having a job that you love, then you will be ready to go at it every night and she will just want to sleep and forget about her problems. I don’t know what your situation is here.
Another thing that results in a low sex drive in both men and women is a hormone imbalance. A doctor can run a blood test for hormone levels and determine if this is the case. Her GYN would be the doc for her to talk to if you can get her to do it.
One of the key things that you mentioned is that she doesn’t want to look at you or allow you to see her performing oral sex on you and doesn’t want you to do it to her. That makes me think that she has some moral/religious hang-up about doing this. If so, she might also have the same hang-up about sex in general. Have you talked to her about this subject to determine why she dislikes oral sex? My wife also had an ex boyfriend who thought that oral sex was unsanitary and wouldn’t even allow her to get close to doing it to him. He also never got his face close to her parts. People have different hang-ups about things like this. A sex therapist is the person who can best discover what the problem is and counsel both partners on how to overcome this block.
I don’t know what you should do specifically, but one thing that is absolutely necessary is to discuss this with her and try to get her to tell you what she is feeling and why she thinks that she doesn’t enjoy sex in general and oral sex in particular. Just for comparison, over our 29 years together, my wife and I have had sex anywhere from once in some months to 6 to 8 times per week at times. It changed over the years, depending on daily stress and our feelings for each other. Sometimes we felt a lot more love that at other times in our life. Looking back, it seems to correlate some with job stress. I assume, from what you have said, that this disconnect between the 2 of you on sex has been the same for all 10 years. If not and it has just gotten this way more recently, then you have to determine what in your lives has changed. I have never been to a sex therapist, so I don’t know how much of a help they are, but it is something to consider if you cannot work this out by talking about it together.
Hopefully someone who has been in your situation and has solved the problem will answer and give you more help than I have. Again, I have to say that the solution to most problems in a relationship is to open up completely and talk about it without embarrassment or fear of what the other partner may think. It is also very important not to allow the discussion to turn into an argument. My wife and I have made that mistake enough times to have learned how to avoid it for the most part. Good lich in getting a more helpful answer and to solving your problem.
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