A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've never posted on a site like this before but I feel so screwed up over this i figure any advice will help and there's nobody I can talk to about it really...Anywho1st december last year I started going out with a girl and we had a great relationship, just perfect. Until I went on holidays down south for 2 weeks with my friend and she broke up with me about a week in. she's a very volatile girl, not a cheater but she just doesn't keep her mind made up on things... she called me a few days before this and said she'd almost been unfaithful, but called me in distress, angry at herself for even thinking of doing it. I saw she was sorry and forgave her but a day or so later she broke up with me saying she didn't want to hurt me by cheating and she thought she was going to slip up, so she thought this would hurt me less. Since then up to and including now I've mostly been a mess. I tried very hard to get her back but it didn't work. a few weeks later, my best mate, great guy, who I never thought would have done this, started going out with her as a result of me not talking to her and her asking him where I was all the time - they got to talking and decided to go out even though my mate told me he wouldn't. anywho they never made it "official", they didn't do the normal teenager things like change their msn's and myspaces, they didnt make it known to more than a few people, and the entire time my mate retained that they weren't going out and were just "close friends". After a while I went to a group thing where we ended up watching movies (bunch of friends from a couple of schools) and I noticed this girl who was my mates last girlfriend. not noticed but just sortof, thought about for the first time. We had a 2 hour phonecall that night for no reason and i ended up asking her out, he said yes, we are still going out today(i made sure my mate didnt care i was going out with her, nice of him to do the same... not). . As far as she is concerned I have no feelings for my ex. about a week ago my ex stopped arguing with me as she always did since the breakup and talked to me, I started relating to her again and getting conflicted. a few days later her and my mate broke up. he didnt seem to even care and she seemed distressed. they got back together, they broke up again, this time his decision, and she came to me for helpi met her after school the next day, we talked everything over talked about our relationship and answered eachother's questions... we both have that little jealousy of the other and their girlfriend/boyfriend. we both have that feeling still there for eachother, the difference is she can fight the urge and she wants to make it work with my mate and their back together today, but im stupid and cant settle for the relationship i have with my current girlfriend which is perfect except for like some lack of physical intimacy, we just dont and it kinda hurts me because we have and now she just doesnt respond anymore, were getting into it kissing etc, she teases me, and then just closes her eyes and hugs me and doesnt do anything. anyway. I'm having a tough time with my ex trying to fight the urge to drop everything and ask her back, because i know she'd get back together with me. I know its stupid, i know our relationship wasnt as good as the one i'm in now with me worrying all the time ad her being unstable. i just dont know what to do and she hasnt left my head since the breakup. i just dont know what to do and i dont even know if ive explained everything in this drawn out question.
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male
reader, PeterPan  +, writes (28 May 2008):
 OK, I think I followed most of this... more or less... I hope. If I boil this whole thing down, you're wondering if you should try to go out with GF-1 (the one that broke everything off while you were on vacation, but haunts your mind) or stick with GF-2 that's not as intimate as the first one, but not as affectionate... did I get that right?
Wow... what a paradox, but I think I know what to tell you. I think that (a) you should not go out with or otherwise try to force yourself on GF-1. You should leave her be for a few reasons... she's in a relationship now and it's nothing short of evil to try and break that up, dating a friend or not. For you (b) I think you and your girlfriend need to discuss your relationship. Tell her what you think is missing, what you'd like to get out of it that she's not offering, find out why she's not (it could be as simple as it's just a comfortable situation for her or she doesn't know what to do). Talk it out, figure it out. Communication is the core for all relationships. If you can't figure something out, then you'll have another decision to make - stick with something that's not giving you what you would like or consider moving on...
Good luck!! Hope this helped some... I tried my best to unravel it...
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