A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear people I have asked for your help before and I found your advice (Very very helpful ) so please try and help me again. Three years ago my wife had an affair with a married man. This affair has destroyed our family and because I could not forgive her our marrage ended. The reason's I could not forgive her was that for the first two year's after the affair she Denied it and played mind games with me and because of this I had a mental breakdown and ended up in hospital for the first time in my life. When I recovered I decided to give my wife a chance to be honest about her affair I just wanted the whole truth because the mind movies were driving me nuts. She would only admit to staying one night in a hotel with this man but I know in my heart this is bullshit. The reason I feel this can't be right is because she continued to tex this man months after the night in the hotel and they also worked in the same place. The reason she gave me why they were texing each orther was that he was after confessing to his wife and that he wanted her to confess to me. ( could this be true ?) anyway apart from that I decided the best thing I could do was to move out of our home and get a flat because our children had been through enough ( we have five great kids ) now while I was in this flat on my own I got to thinking just do not seem right here I was on my own while my wife the adultress was in our home with our kids. ( how fair is that ? )so I said to myself to hell with this I was going back home and tell my wife she was going to have to leave the home and I going to look after the kids. Now as u can imagine she is not to happy with this but what choice do I have ? We can no longer live together so what else can we do ? The children are happy to go along with this they just want peace at this stage. I just want to add that I use to adore my wife with all my heart and in my own way I will always love her but I wlll never beable to forgive her for the damage to done to our woderfull family also I was never unfaithful to her. Do anyone out there think I am wrong for asking my wife to leave the home. Thanks for your help Nicky
View related questions:
affair, married man Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): Dear OP, there seems to be sympathy for your cheating wife ( this is the irony of it all, isn't it? your wife cheats and you are made to be the bad guy)
I think it is best for you to link all your previous posts and updates so that the good aunts here can see your wife for what she really is: a scheming bitch who destroyed your life!
just to recap: (if i remember correctly, it has been quite a while since your last post)
- your wife used to go partying without you
- wife hooked up with her lover (her work bussy) - had sex with him and came back home like the faithful wife she pretended to be
- you tried to uncover what was wrong. she denied any cheating . made you seem like the bad guy questioning her.
- she denied, denied, denied.
-she kept in contact with her lover.
- she cover her tracks (or so she thought). in the meanwhile you were driving yourrself insane with thoughts of her cheating
- she denied yet continued to be the party goer, leaving you at home with the kids(???)
- you went into depression
- she did not care about your depression.
- you were INSTITIONALISED BECAUSE OF HER CHEATING. Yes good Aunts here on DC, the cheating wife did not care that her husband was placed IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION because the wife did not want to admit to the cheating. she still denied it.
- Your doctor MADE HER CONFESS, yes, the doctor had to intervene bec the OP's health had deteriorated to such an extent that he NEEDED to know whether she cheated. And yes then the confession came. but in small doses. leaving out vital info.
- she still down played her affair. she still lied and she still did not give a shit that you were in a mental institution.
The above is just a brief synopsis of what happened
So before all the good aunts ACCUSE THE OP OF BEING HORRIBLE TO THE CHEATING WIFE, READ HIS STORY OF HEARTACHE, PAIN, ANGUISH, AND TOTAL LOSS OF FAITH IN HER.
Dear OP, you deserve to be rid of this woman, and once and for all, get rid of her. Dammit, she let you go into a mental institution,, That is unforgivable!!!!!!!!!!!
Call me harsh and even worse but after reading the OPS story many of you on Dear Cupid may just change your minds, especially those who have been betrayed and those who have lost.
I think dear Aunts that you have been unjustifiably harsh with the OP. I know the regulars here have been hurt and you know what the OP has been going thorugh so STOP JUDGING HIM and stop making him be the bad guy. Just think about his situation. I repeat :HIS WIFE ALLOWED HIM TO BE SENT TO THE MENTAL HOSPITAL, She could have averted all the bad things that happened to the OP. She lied, cheated and made him go off his head.
So perhaps SUPPORT THE OP, instead of blackening him. I implore you. Hopefully there can be another Aunt who will have the foresight to add to my words of support. Hoepfully this is the quality of the aunts here. To support the OP with his decision.
OP, get your life back and get rid of that wife. I stand by my words.
Sorry for my rant Aunts, but there has to be some justice in this world. Apologies Mods, but i think you can see I believe that the OP has been wronged in some many fronts.So yes, I am his champion (lol)
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): Nope you are not wrong. I wondered why you left your marital home in the first place (i follwed your post)
You go back and kick her out. plain and simple.
she cared nothing for you and continued her affair, she contributed to your depression and mental institutionalisation, she lied, repeatedly. she made it seem like you were going off your head, and for a while she succeeded. she was cruel and she cared nothing of your emotions. (i am correct in suming up her treatment of you, aren't i ?)
so you owe the cheating, scheming *itch NOTHING. get your home back and enjoy your life. and then pick up your life and move on. i have said this before and will repeat: you are a good man, you deserve the best so go get the best.
get rid of the adulterer and take back your power.
LoveGirl
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): I've been through something similar.
Anything could be true, don't presume to be able to tell anything for certain.
If you love your wife, and if you believe that she loves you, then go to counseling. Not just for a few weeks, but for months, upon months, upon months. Do the hard work to support that claim of love that you make.
Eventually, you will probably be able to resolve the questions and answers and it will all hurt.
Perhaps you will be able to put your life back together, and heal together, perhaps not, but your children will be better off if you put in the work.
In my case, my wife had an affair, after having been married for several years, I suspected it but it turns out that I'd only suspected it when it was ending and she was trying to get out of it. She denied it, and continued to deny it for years in various ways (not that I was asking all that time but many of our friends had affairs and divorces and we talked about such things and I'd never had an affair).
We went to counseling within a couple of months of the affair but that didn't lead to any clarity because she couldn't bear to tell me what happened and what she had done. However, we had marital problems that seemed to have no clear source, eventually we get to counseling again, years later. She confessed to the affair after a rather lengthy period of counseling, and she was able to tell the entire story, which was shocking and bewildering (no exaggeration...I think the counselor was as shocked and bewildered as I was). One of the reasons she couldn't talk about it, and even denied it to a total of three counselors over the years, which may apply to your wife, or may not for that matter, was that she broke off an affair that even at the time she couldn't even explain to herself why she was involved in it, she said one day she just woke up and said "What am I doing?" and tried to end this without me finding out.
However, it was much easier to forgive her than she expected (she expected me to leave without question and if I put the entire story down here everyone would think I was crazy for staying but it would be out of context). The bottom line is that we think we know who we marry, and when we have been married for several years and have children we think we know that person better and better. However, that isn't always the truth of the matter. My wife requested her medical records for me, I read them, and she told me the entire story of her life, which she'd not told me all of before. With a counselor, we talked about her life up to the point of us going in, and she found out things that she didn't even understand.
The end result is that I know that my wife loves me today, more than I could have ever suspected. She knows that I love her more than she ever believed possible. Our children have a mother and a father in the same house, who sleep in the same bed, and who love each other more than ever before. Our marital and sexual problems dissipated (like overnight after the confession). I was at the point of leaving my wife 2 years ago, because of unresolvable distances between us. Today, I can't imagine leaving and have the wife that I thought I married many years ago.
And, I might add, she has a husband that she says she thought only existed in fantasy stories.
It is "the rest of the story" that matters. You have to dig to get it and dig carefully and lovingly. Let love guide your actions.
Believe me, I am so grateful that I continued to try to break through that distance with my wife and that she didn't bolt and run while I continued to try.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 October 2010):
 If there is no divorce, it means at some point in your life you would be able to forgive her. I do not think it's wrong to ask her to leave the home. She didn't sound remorseful for what she has done. After the last texts with her coworker, she should be doing stuff like marriage counselling or therapy with you, and not just expect you to forgive and forget, for things to just go back to normal. Especially you had a breakdown before, she should be considerate and let you heal. She may feel too embarrassed to ask for an apology. But if you yell at her to get out it would make it hard for her to repent sincerely. You can resist the urge to fight. It doesn't make you weak. It makes you strong because you are being considerate for your kids. Forgiving your wife doesn't mean what she's doing isn't wrong. It means you stop swallowing a spoonful of poison every day because life goes on.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (25 October 2010):
 It's so scary how your story sounds just like my father's..minus the fact they're divorced, he gave her the house, but moved down around the corner, and my brother and I are grown.
You're punishing her..She shamed you and this family, you want her to pay since she can't redeem herself by telling you the truth. So you want her out of your house, so she can go running back to her affair. Does she even have anywhere to go? And are you going to work out visitations with the kids, you surely want your kids to visit her in a stable environment? Why haven't you brought up a divorce?
Honestly, you can remove her from your home but you can't remove her from your life..due to the fact she's the mother of your children. She will always be there. So if you are going to kick her out, then I think it would be appropriate to ask her for a divorce..Or stay separated, but do find it in your heart to forgive her for her adultery..For your own mental sake and for the sake of your children. Let yourself and your children heal. It affects them more than you'll ever know.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 October 2010):
 You are actually asking her to give up her children. You list your age as between 41 and 50, just how young are these children you are asking your wife to give up? I dont believe you do love her at all!
...............................
|
