A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a twenty year relationship with a man from Mexico, I am from Europe and it has been a very strange relationship, one where it's as if we are together becuase we are lonely. We both got together when i had recently got left behind by my ex-husband, (also Mexican)and he had finished with a relationship as well, and it seems that we are only together because we are too afraid to make or take a decision and end it for the best of both of us.The reason I say this,about making a decision to separate is as even though we have lot's of money problems, (scarcity, which is something that can be handled if there is good communication!!! (He works for an office in the government here and I work ocassionaly (I'm an english teacher)but the main problem is his temper....he explodes and when he does i am offended so badly by his words, they are even too bad for me to put here,(some of the less harsh ones are!!) he calls me useless,I'd be nothing without him, my family is a bunch of shit, I have never done anything in my life,I'm so ungrateful for all he's done for me,i don't give him what he wants in bed(yes! I am very cold with him, but that's because after having being called all these hurtful things i just dont feel like it, i feel i am being used!..........After all this, he tells me he is sorry, its just that I make him lose his temper!!!!Anyway, this has gone on for many years, the insults, hurts and offenses and i seem to forget'(after he says sorry!) how much it really hurts me and has affected my self confidence.I keep on as if nothing had happened.Yet,I know I have to do something, I am afraid of taking a decision...maybe we are destined to be together, or maybe he is right, we only have each other!!!My question is! How can you live with someone (even though I do) and just brush everything under the carpet, what is wrong with me?As i said, I am from England and wonder wether I should go back to my country,even though i haven't lived there in years, i do have family there, brothers!Here in Mexico, things are bad, all the crime, kidnappings and jobs are very hard to come by...I guess, even though I'not a :spring chicken:I want to get up the courage and leave, yet I'm scared.Yesterday, we had been to a party, had a few drinks and it was a long way back and I was afraid as he was going all over the motorway,anyway, I said something about his driving and that was it....he started going even faster and worst of all he was yelling at me (his opinion of me!!!!of course)and was really in a rage, I was terrified, usually i defend myself, but I was numb from fear, I just kept quiet and thank the Good Lord we both got home, safe...After a bit more yelling,i kept quiet still and then went to bed, thankfull to be home ,safe and sound. The next day, he had written a letter, sort of apologizing and saying that i had made him lose his temper!!!!!But, many that things he had said last night had been true, (not the really bad words he called me!!)I feel as if I am going to go crazy with living like this and not being able to get it off my chest to anyone, but worst of all, help!! I need someone els's point of view, please..............
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): Hi Again,
Thanks for answering my questions. I didn't want to assume to much but reading through the lines I got the drift of what you were saying.
Its sad to think that a 20 year relationship will come to an end but you've got to weigh things up. People don't really change from who they are at their core but sometimes things such as hurt and anger hide their true identity. If this anger cannot be resolved then I think you are never going to be truly happy with this man. On the other end of the spectrum is the hurt and resentment that you are feeling towards him. It hasn't been resolved either and he is not seeing the true you either. He is likely hurting from your treatment of him too and more importantly, all this building up inside you is not good for you. It is a very unhealthy situation.
He sounds very volatile and I am concerned that if you push too hard to try and resolve this without a support network you could get into a worse situation. I am not sure what can be resolved at this stage but I will leave you to think about that. I do think you should speak with your brothers. Although you don't want to bother them, just think for a moment how you would feel if they had a similar issue and didn't turn to you for help. Even if you just initially need a sounding board, start contacting them. Also, are there any ex-pac groups you could join locally? Maybe a separate outlet would help too, not necessarily to share your inner most thoughts but more to get your confidence back in a 'non local' environment.
If you decide to leave him, please plan your exit carefully and be safe.
I hope this helps. Please feel free to email me directly on here, even if its just to vent. Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi
Thanks for your answer, I guess i wasn't very clear about many things tha's why you asl me more questions, but thanks for answering...In answer to your question, yes, I do deserve to be loved as we all do, but I am not sure if i do love him anymore, sometimes I ask myself how can you love someone who mostly knocks you down,even though after án episode of his outbursts" I seem to act like nothing has happened but i guess deep down inside, the hurt is still there and i pretend it's not, something like that!Really though I guess I have a lot of anger and bitterness towards him.
Yes, i guess I am scared of him, he hasn't shown any phisical violencce, but i think he could if I provoked him more while he is is one of his ""episodes"so, now i have learnt to keep quiet. I also feel sorry for him,I'd feel guilty about leaving him.As you say, we are more mature people (in age) but I feel i am very inmature in many ways, otherwise I wouldn't put up with this.
Sometimes, (veryfew times) when we are able to talk I tell him, but as he is a lawyer, he turns everything back on me, so we never get to any agreement on anything, I get frustrated by his attitude and he starts losing his temper, so all communication ends there!
As far as living here in mexico goes, well, i don't like it for many reasons, have stayed here mainly for my children who live here and i guess for the relationship I have .
I will be talking to my brothers, hate to bother them with my problems, but have no one else i can trust here,that is one of the things i don't likke here, i am a very friendly person, but have had some bad experiences with so called friends here, opening up too much is not good here.
i thank you once again for you intent to help me and i will take your questions into account, thanks
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): Hi,
I thought I would reply as there have been no other responses yet but I'm not sure what I can do to help. I will try though.
Firstly, You haven't once said you love this guy? Do you? Even though you are bit more mature, don't you deserve to be loved and be in love?
Secondly, are you scared of this guy? He is being verbally abusive but is there something else holding you to him?
Sometimes people have anger and turn it onto the wrong person in their lives? Sounds like you have both been hurt by your previous relationships. If you spoke with him about his abusiveness and how it makes you feel would it solve anything? Would it make things worse? Do you think you would have to leave the country to get away from him or are you done with living in Mexico (they are not mutually exclusive).
I am asking more questions then I am probably answering here but answering them might help you figure out why you are with him and if you should leave.
If he is a physical threat to you then be very careful how you proceed. Get the support of people you can trust and relie on. If there is no-one local, then call your brothers and get them to help you plan your exit.
Take care.
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