A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My problem is this; that every time we go out, be it the mall, supermarket, wherever, she will accuse me of looking at another women, even though I most certainly am not, and most of the time don't even know who she is referring to until I really do look!Or sometimes a woman might walk past, and she’ll immediately ask if I was looking at her, which I would truthfully answer no, and then she’ll accuse me of looking because I knew who she was referring to.It is so bad, that I can't really look around, up or anywhere other than at the floor without feeling scared of receiving an ear full. I have tried to explain that I am not looking at said person (who very often is not even attractive), that I am not interested in any other woman, but most of the time she doesn't believe me. At this point I start to feel upset that I am being accused of doing something that I have not, and upset that my wife is effectively calling me a liar.This normally ends with an argument. This happens most of the time we go outside. I don't know what to do. I have tried to convince my wife that I am not interested in other women. She has no reason to suspect me because I really am not doing anything, I am faithful and monogamous, and this is another reason why I get angered by her accusations.[Mod note: age is 60+]
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2014): Have you ever looked at another woman when her back was turned and she busted you? Ever took too long of a look at a pretty woman? I would guess she is reacting to something you might have done in the past.
Have you lied to her? Have you come clean about past bad behavior, or did she find out something earth shattering about you? Porn use? She may doubt your character if you have broken trust in any way when it comes to the issue of loyalty or moral character.
If so, don't turn this around on her. Be patient. It could take years for her to trust you if you've done something to shake that foundation. In the meantime, stop looking around so much. Keep your eyes on your wife. If a woman walks by, don't look. Look at your wife.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 February 2014):
 I like SVC's response. If your wife is around your age, she may just need some reassurance that you find her the most attractive women in the world. Some women take aging very hard, myself included, so maybe just be a bit more understanding. Help yourself by helping her.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 February 2014):
I like SVC's response. If your wife is around your age, she may just need some reassurance that you find her the most attractive women in the world. Some women take aging very hard, myself included, so maybe just be a bit more understanding. Help yourself by helping her.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 February 2014):
 Have you cheated on her in the past? That's the biggest question I have for you. Because this is 100% her insecurity, and it either has no cause, or it has one.
If you have cheated on her before, then this is part of the healing process and the rebuilding of trust, which takes years to do.
If you have never cheated on her, then where is this coming from? If she's always been like this an it's become worse, then it's her insecurity and obsessive behavior, and if she is the same age as you, then it's a symptom of other things like depression, OCD that has worsened, or something else a therapist can help with for her.
My advice is based on whether or not you have given her a REASON to have trust issues with you personally. If you have cheated on her, then you need to listen patiently and keep reassuring her. Not in the way of "I'm not looking at other women!" but "She doesn't hold a candle to you", which is what she really wants to hear.
If you have never cheated and you have never given her reason to distrust you such as lying about porn use when you do use it (the key here is lying), strip clubs, escorts, emotional affairs, cybersex, or something like that, then you need to tell her that she's hurting the marriage by constant accusations, and that you'd benefit from ongoing marriage counseling because you're dreading being with her in public due to the arguments.
In fact, marriage counseling would be a very positive thing right now no matter if you've ever cheated or not, because if you getting upset at her always causes arguments, and you telling her what her trust issues are doing to her and she emotionally wrangles you until you are forced to apologize, then you need a mediator that will *let* you talk about how you feel. It's amazing how married people tend not to really listen to each other and let defensiveness get in the way of listening.
Sit her down and tell her how you feel. Don't wait until the next time there's an argument. Do it when there isn't a crisis. She could be menopausal with body issues or depression or many other things wracking her out.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (20 February 2014):
Sounds like insecurity issues more than anything, so you should encourage her to seek treatment.
From now on don't even acknowledge her accusations (tell her you're going to do this). It's hard for her to argue with herself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2014): I'd be just as exasperated as you are. There really is nothing a person can do when someone refuses to believe anything other than what they want.However, I have one idea. Building off the other answer that suggests your wife may feel insecure, perhaps you could do something that clearly shows her that she is the only one for you. I'd suggest something sort of public since that is the setting where she is convinced you are slighting her. I'm a bit of a drama queen so here's how I envision it: She accuses you of looking at another lady. You stop said lady, and say something like "See this beautiful lady here?(gesture to your wife) I love her more than anyone in the entire world, more than life itself, you think she knows that?" Then after some brief reply you move on and don't say anything directly to your wife but just give her a quick hug/kiss... sigh.well, that's what I'd do.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 February 2014):
 I'd be angry too.
Instead of getting angry play her game... she's so damn sure you are doing this (probably because she feels unattractive and old and aging and we as women don't do well with those negative feelings)
She's so sure you are doing it... from now on when you walk in to a room scout out a woman FAST.. and then say to your wife "look at that woman (use some descriptive term like hair color or coat color).. she's not nearly as sexy as you are but she's trying"
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 February 2014):
 I would stop wanting to go ANYWHERE with her if this is the reaction I'd get. And I would tell her JUST that. People have eyes they will look, doesn't mean you are LUSTING after every passing female.
Is this new behavior?
My guess is there is a little more to the story then you are telling?
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