A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for two years and we have talked about marriage. Initially when we went out together in public his eyes were on me, but for the past year he has had a wandering eye and will look women up and down (with his sunglasses on), or stare at women, turn around and look at them if we are walking together, either in front of me over my shoulder or if he is behind me he will turn around and get a good look and also when we dine together he will make sure to look over at a woman or at least get a good look at her face if we pass by their table and I mean "their" even if this other woman has a boyfriend or husband with her.The same goes for his office events. Recently we went to an office party and the co-workers bought their spouses and other people showed that were affiliated with the company. One young lady showed up with her husband and she was tall and had that tousled long hair, get out of bed sexy look going on. I noticed my boyfriend eventually made his way over to her and was gesturing in front of her and what not and the husband had no clue. He has done this before, made a bee line for the young women. He gave a short speech which ended and another young sexy long haired woman came out of the restroom and walked in front of him and he looked at her a$$ as she walked by. I was totally embarrassed because I am sure his co-workers saw this as others did. He is a department head so he has pull in the company.I have talked to him about his wandering eyes to no avail. He has seemed to temper it somewhat, but he still does it and just "has" to look at other women in his vision range. He can't seem to control himself. I am starting to make excuses to not go out in public with him because it's always the same scenario, but only a different woman.That being said, I found pictures on his phone of random women going about their business, walking down the street, pumping gas, and zoom in shots of their bums. I am sure those pictures are for wanking off too.The respect doesn't seem to be there towards me on this issue. I feel if he respected me, he wouldn't do these sort of things to jeopardize the relationship.What can I do to make him respect me? What have I done to make him have such a wandering eye? Is it because I am older and he wants a young thing to make him feel younger...to have arm candy. Obviously, I am not enough for him if he has to stare at women every time we go out together. It's like watching an addiction.What would you do in this case?
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 February 2014):
Dump his ass!
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (21 February 2014):
 I think the fourth paragraph of my response came across as angry or anti-man when that was not my intent. History has shown that it is very easy to underestimate or completely overlook a danger we've never been exposed to.
Secretly photographing others for sexual gratification is part of the spectrum of predatory behaviours that often escalates into far more dangerous behaviours. Think of all the Peeping Toms and panty sniffers who have gone on to become serial killers.
Can you imagine how unsettled these women would be to discover some strange man taking pictures of them? Who is that guy? How long has he been standing there? What EXACTLY did he get a picture of? How many did he take? What is he going to do with those pictures? Is he targeting ME in particular or women in general?
Now imagine those women looking over their shoulders when they leave the gas station, worrying he's followed them to the grocery store, the bank, or worse...their children's school or HOME. They don't know your boyfriend, his name, where he lives, his schedule or anything else about him. They just know he's been watching and photographing them.
OP, he does not respect ANY women. He's a very bad guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2014): I agree with many of the other posts, while a man looking at another woman is a common complaint (and one that WiseOwlE gave great advice for in general) this is beyond that. This is definitely predator type behavior. To take pictures of random women is inexplicably creepy, if a man wanted some good pics of random women to wank to, they're all a click away on the internet, so what he's doing is uncalled for unless he gets some sort of kick out of taking the sexualized pictures without their consent. Now add to this that he seems to have absolutely no reserve about women being in a relationship or in the presence of a husband/boyfriend, and it would seem that he gets a kick out of winning over women who should be off-limits. Basically, it seems he has an addiction associated with some level of sexual non-consent, and unattainable women... Do you really want to be married to this guy? At the very least he's perfect material for a cheater, and at the worst... one that doesn't ask permission before sexually indulging. Sorry if this offends you, I know you care for this guy, but without knowing anything else about his character, I must say this is how it seems to me.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (20 February 2014):
The discourtesy he shows you is the least of your worries here.
Yes, openly ogling other women is extremely discourteous to you and would be a deal breaker for me. But he's gone much farther. Photographing random women without their knowledge and consent is, frankly, alarming.
With all due respect to WiseOwlE, an insightful uncle here, I would definitely NOT be taking this in stride.
Men, gay, straight or in between can afford to be more relaxed about this because they don't have to worry about women planting hidden cameras in public change rooms and washrooms. It would never in a million years occur to a man to wonder, when using an outhouse, if a woman is hiding in the sewage hoping to catch a glimpse of his backside while he defecates. Men don't have to worry about women breaking into their homes to sniff their underwear or rape them and kill them while they sleep. Men may have plenty of other worries, but women's base sexual predations are not one of them.
OP, my advice is you give up trying to get him to understand. He's a predator and it will only get worse. Get your ducks in a row and get the hell out of Dodge.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2014): There's the social-art of boyfriends cruising the ladies, and then there's husbands "lady-watching."
The rules are looser for boyfriends. They aren't married.
They have no papers, and took no vows. Commitment is a gentleman's agreement. It's one thing to glance and admire beauty, it's another to gawk with your tongue hanging out.
That's a cheat just waiting to happen.
You must get your strategy in place. Grab his hand to remind him that he has to come home with the lady standing next to him. Don't blow your cover and act obviously jealous. You're reclaiming his attention, and distracting his concentration. Be classy! If he's still a jerk about it. Suggest he take a picture, it lasts longer!!
Look him straight in the eyes. Break his focus. Then smile.
If a guy is a natural flirt, that is most likely how he found and snagged you. You were taken by his boldness and his flattery. He starred you down, and made sure you caught his lingering eye-contact. That behavior is practiced, and hard to stop once it becomes second-nature. Checking out ladies and flirting is a habit, and natural response for heterosexual men. Even we gay men can't help but check out bouncy bosoms, curvy hips, and long shapely legs. I think it's naturally wired into our gender.
Back to your problem.
The thing about being a boyfriend is; he has one foot in a commitment, and he is only a breakup-away from being single.
So he has to be tamed when it comes to blatantly checking out other women in your presence. You must develop an effective way to distract him.
Simply ask him to get a grip. She's not all that!
Often, he's just keeping you on your toes to keep your attitude adjusted; and to slightly rattle your self-esteem.
That is necessary when you've been mean, temperamental, or a nag. In other words, you've been out of line a lot.
Don't be such an easy victim. He's playing with your head to make you feel he has a lot of options over you; "so stay in line." Once in a while he has to. You don't have a right to bully him, or boss him around. He's got to show you who the "man" is. You certainly didn't want a "girlfriend."
Weak women don't see this. Strong women see right through it. Stop idolizing him, and placing him up on a pedestal. He's not irreplaceable, and other men notice you too!
That might just be one of the reasons he's starting to step it up. Just to keep you from noticing how many heads turn when you walk by. (I saw that! The way you raised an eyebrow when you read this!) Yes, you turn heads. You forgot that? Or, you're pretending you have!
It wouldn't hurt for you to balance things out by checking out handsome guys; and being a little obvious about it.
It's healthy feminine behavior. He doesn't own you. You don't own him. You're an exclusive and committed couple,
not a couple of mindless manikins.
You feel jealous, because you're over-doing it with pretending like you've gone "deaf, dumb, and blind" around attractive men.
He knows that is totally fake. All men do! That includes us gay men as well.
You also boost his ego out of proportion by getting so jealous and behaving like he's such a prize. Don't forget,
if he's a prize; so are you! Would he settle for less as his girlfriend? I doubt you bark! You're not dog!
Seriously, girlfriend? Does he walk you on a leash? Not likely. Judging by your post, he's the one who has to be on a leash. A short one at that!
His eye is roving to prove how macho and hetero he is. He probably screams like a little bitch when he sees spiders!
Take it all in stride.
I'm a gay man and I'm going to give you a little advice that we give our girlfriends in similar situations.
When you start feeling like he's watching other women too much. It is time for a makeover. Head to toe.
It's time to get yourself some fresh attention (un-his) and rebuild your ego and self-esteem. You need to standout so other men take notice. Don't even worry about the extra weight, the right clothes disguises the imperfections.
What goes on under your clothes is for his eyes only. Everything the eyes can see, is for the public.
Take advantage of your curves, your eyes, lips, legs, and anything you can enhance. You're woman, so use your girl-power. Quit your whining. Take a hint that you might need a little maintenance. It feels good afterwards. You don't really have to rely on his validation; because other admirers will tell you with a glance. You still got it, and he had better watch out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 February 2014):
 The looking at other women I don't really see a problem with, people don't go blind when they get a mate. However, he isn't just looking he is ogling and taking picture - the latter is rather creepy IMO.
I find his behavior more disrespectful towards the woman he treats like walking pieces of meat, then being disrespectful towards you.
The whole picture part, that would make me rethink the relationship. Because it's down right creepy. I can just imagine this fella near a beach...
This isn't ABOUT you. AT ALL. And I don't think you can "fix" this. He doesn't really see a problem with it. THIS is who he is. It's up to you if you want to live with a guy who acts this way or not.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 February 2014):
 If my husband appreciates the beauty of another women, that's perfectly fine. Swivel the head to take a look at a gorgeous woman? Fine. Linger just a nanosecond longer on a beautiful face? Not a problem. Flirt a bit with an attractive woman at a party? Fine as long as he keeps it in bounds and makes sure I'm comfortable and having a nice time myself.
If my husband was taking surreptitious pictures of women's body parts and saving them? Um, that's in another league. That would NOT okay and who cares if he respects me or not at that point? I would lose ALL respect for him if this was the case.
The real question is how is it that you still respect him?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 February 2014):
 You're right. It's not just "like" an addiction, It *is* an addiction. He has a porn/sex addiction plus bad manners besides. None of us are stupid - guys are visually triggered, and a beautiful woman catches the eye. However, most men are good mannered and have honed the art of peripheral vision down to a science. Rubbernecking in front of a wife or girlfriend is disrespectful, and I liken it to a guy who loudly passes gas in public or reaches into his pants in public to scratch his testicles or adjust himself.
Guys look, guys adjust, guys break wind. But good manners are not doing these things in public. Your husband needs to be called on that fact, and the fact that you avoid being seen with him in public because of the rubbernecking and ogling.
Whatever you do, don't internalize it by saying that there's something wrong with you. Supermodels have the same problem when they are unfortunate enough to date a guy with a wandering eye. The problem is with the guy's addiction, not a deficiency in you. Don't feel like there's something wrong with you that he's doing this, because it has nothing to do with you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 February 2014):
 The only thing you can do to make him respect you is leave.
If it bothers you that much because you've told him how you feel and it doesn't change. Also the PICTURES would make me crazy. That's one thing I would not be happy about.
My husband (age 40 to my 54) looks at girls... not all of them just the ones that appeal to him and he has a very narrow scope. WHEN he does it with me and he's BLATANT about it I just say "don't hurt your neck" loud enough for the young lady to hear me if she's close. and I laugh.
I think it' amusing. He isn't going to date them. He has NO respect for them. He doesn't want to do anything but look. they are just eye candy to him. I don't find it disrespectful to me at all to be honest.
I think it's more of a disrespect for the women they look at to be truthful... eye candy is something to use and abuse... but a wife/gf is the loving warm body they come home to.
NOW if he does it in the middle of a conversation with you that's disrespect... because his attention is not on the conversation... it might be like me.. ADHD...
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