A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear aunts and unclesI am getting married next year and I should be getting excited but instead I'm feeling anxious about it all, the bottom line is who should walk me down the aisleMy folks split when I was 2 my father was violent to my mum and when it happened in front of us kids (she had hidden it until then) she decided to leave, he went completely to pieces and turned into a drunk whilst my mum went on to meet my stepdad and they raised us kids together and had my sister, my dad has been a terrible role model, we have seen him once a month but that's more to do with my mum and nan encouraging a relationship , he fits in seeing us at our nans between the pub and his latest girlfriends he's often to busy to come over at all, he stopped buying us Christmas or birthday gifts when I was 9 , saying my mum had stolen all his money...years ago I'd cry when he called me and said he was too hungover to come see us, or him not buying us stuff but always buying his latest girlfriend gifts....despite this I guess there is some sort of emotion towards him cause he's my father and I feel sorry for him Then there's my stepdad the good guy, stepped in to help mum raise us and has given us a blooming good life... Was there for my first day at school, picked me up when I fell over, cuddled me up when I was scared, brought my first car, never let me down not even once ... He'd even buy gifts from "my dad" so we wouldn't be so upset, despite my dad hating him and bad mouthing him and my mum they've never said a thing back, i and my siblings have had a lovely life cause of them.So I tell dad I'm getting married, he puffs his chest the proud dad walking his girl down the aisle in church, but yet he's not paying a penny toward it (guess who is..mum and step dad) but yet wants all the glory when he's put none of the hard work in....my mum is angry at his aurdasity, my stepdad says let it go and let him do it i know his mum( my nan )who's very elderly and Ipoorly would never forgive ,me if he didn't but in all honesty I want my stepdad to do it after all he's raised and loved me. Everyone says it's my choice and that's right but my dad (who thinks he's the victim in this as my mum left him and he lost everything) thinks he should walked me down the aisle....my elder sister said to him about my sd doing it and he said he's already taken my family he's not taking this away from me!What should I do?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (2 October 2014):
 Sounds like your stepdad did what your father didn't. He was there for you when your father wasn't. He was kind to your mom when your father was cruel. He cared about how you were feeling when your dad only cared about himself and his drink. Your stepdad loved you like his own when your dad didn't even love you when you WERE his own.
I think your nan would understand more than you think, to be honest. It's one thing to enable and forgive and think the best of your son, but your had has had to have a pattern of behavior that goes beyond even your family, and I think your nan knows it on an elemental level even when the "aww poor baby" kicks in when it comes to her son.
I also don't think you should share any part of this ceremony. Not the "father/daughter dance", not the "halfway down the aisle" thing, your stepdad not only was there for you, but handled your teenage surliness and pain that your dad and your mom caused.
Who cares if your dad thinks he's a victim? He disqualified himself from ever referring to himself that way the moment he put his hands on your mom. He shouldn't have hit her. He shouldn't have gotten drunk and blown you off. He lived his own life as if you didn't matter to him. He's crazy if he thinks he's entitled to you having to pretend on your wedding day that he's a good, loving parent.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2014): Without a doubt stand up and say proudly that you want your stepfather to walk you down the aisle because he is the one who has raised you. If your father can't handle it well then that's his prerogative. It's more a reflection on him than anyone else. It was planning my wedding that I really found happiness, because I realised there was nothing selfish about wanting to do things that made me happy. All my life I have tip toed around certain family members in order to keep the peace and everyone but myself happy. This is your wedding, you and your future partner should have the best day of your lives and it should be exactly what you both want. Not what your nan would want or your dad would want. There was plenty of tears shed prior to my wedding, but it was all worth it to have a day where I knew I had asked all I love to be there, and anyone who wasn't there was there own doing. I actually had no one walk me down the aisle. I would've had my mum but being her only daughter I wanted her to have that special moment of watching me. Whatever you chose, go with your heart. I think you know your stepdad will be the best choice, he sounds like a wonderful man and your father really should respect your decision. If he won't listen to you then write both him and your nan a letter and explain that you're not doing anything to cause any upset, but you only get one wedding and that you hope they can respect your wishes for your special day. Xxx good luck xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2014): Thanks to you all for your responses, I'm really glad I wrote this as my hunch was not to let my real father do it, my nan will take it badly but in some ways she's been an enabler to my dad by making excuses for my dad and justifying his behaviour toward us children when my other grandmother (my mothers mum) said if the situation was reversed she would have kicked my mums butt and made up step up to the plate and do the right thing by us kids... Plenty of people split from there spouses and yes itinally fall to pieces but he's been wollowing in self pity for 20 years... He believes if my sd wasn't around him and my mum would still be together when we mention the violence he funnily doesn't remember.. Us kids do and him beating my mum with a table lamp!!
My stepdad is amazing the worst thing is us girls (there are 3 older girls & our little sister) have been terrors for him in our teens but he sat there and loved us and , and like I say he's never let us down he's just been devoted to my mum & us girls...... I love him dearly and he will be the one to give me away..... And if my dad doesn't like it he can be absent like he has been 90% of my life!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2014): If you want your step father who seems to be your "real father" then have him walk you down the aisle. Your biological father will deal with it. He hasn't really cared about your feelings while you were growing up so just explain to him why you are choosing the man who has been a father to you. He has no right to get upset. However your step father would. In my opinion... Sounds like he has really stepped up and has gone far and above what most step parents would.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 October 2014):
 Honestly, in my book, YOUR step-dad DESERVE this honor. The fact that he is even being graceful about this just speaks volumes about his love for you.
I would TELL your Dad, THIS is how it's going to be, if you can't accept that, then please, don't show up. If you think his involvement could only cause more pain than happiness, the right decision may be not to invite him.
And I would (before informing your Dad) tell your Nan (his? mom?) because I think she would back you up.
I'm sorry, ANY male can father a child - it takes a SPECIAL man to be a good dad. And you HAVE one, your step-dad.
OR IF you want to be nice... you can SPLIT the walk. Have your Dad walk you first then your Step-dad take over halfways down. Or, if you'd rather, you can assign one dad to each memorable moment: one to walk you down the aisle and one to do the father/daughter dance.
There are NO rules that you HAVE to "let" him walk you down the aisle. THIS is your wedding!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2014): WHy not have both?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2014): I really think the answer should be obvious.. Even though you are conflicted.Tell him to back off...Your step-dad from what I understand is an extraordinary man. Most people treat their step-kids differently when they have one of their own. Not because they want to, but it just happens..The "father" not "sperm-donor" is suppose to be the one to give you away.. And right now, from what you've said. Your dad is just a "sperm-donor" that didn't go away.It is your choice, but your "dad" isn't a "father". He doesn't deserve it in any way.Tell him no one ever took anything from him, he threw it out with everything he could. By not letting him walk you down the aisle, you're also doing your dad a favor. Maybe he might realize that it's his fault not any one else. Remember to tell him that too if you do decide to let your step-dad(the one who deserves it) walk you.
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