A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been really good friends with one of my best friends for over 5 years now. She is a wonderful person inside and out. I've always thought very much of her and I have to admit I think I love her. She makes me laugh so much when I'm with her and even when we just talk on the phone.She's so pretty but she doesn't see it, however she always gets these crushes on different boys and sleeps with them and tells me about it. I feel so jealous as I really would love to be with her. She knows I'm bisexual and does say some odd things about lesbian sex sometimes.I have been getting more into her lately and I don't know how not to feel this way. I can't stop thinking of her like that but all the while she is sleeping with these guys. She's been in love with one boy in the past and is still hurting, and I'm the same, still hurting marginally. I just don't know how to stop feeling this way about her. Its getting me down.
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best friend, crush, jealous, lesbian Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2014): You feel the way you do because finding another gay woman to focus your feelings on just hasn't happened yet. "A bird in the hand," does not apply amongst our circle of friends.
Your feelings are drawn to what is emotionally available and convenient. It's not a new story. Coming-of-age, as it were.
It's almost commonplace among gay people. Get a grip, and tame your feelings. You're telling the typical "hot for my best friend" tale. We've all been there. It's normal to be swept up into their warmth and fondness for us. Even sexually aroused by their sexy charms.
Typically as it goes; you have this great-looking best friend, who happens to be straight. They know all your secrets, they don't judge you, and they allow you to get very very close. Even share your bed. You can be affectionate and you're allowed to be yourself. They never flinch when we touch, and they even kiss and hold us. It just doesn't have any romantic implication.
They are our "friends." They are not encouraging us to shift our feelings from friendship to something intimate, just because they cuddle or snuggle. The problem is, it's too convenient. It's self-inflicted punishment, when you read "gay" into their comfort and ease at being physically close to us. Girls do that anyway. Guys who are comfortable in their skin, and sure of their masculinity; treat their gay buddies different from their straight buddies.
That just means they aren't threatened by our sexual-orientation; and love us all the same. As friends only! They sometimes cross gay-lines, even push the envelope at times; but it's because friends do that affectionately. It's an expression of how close they feel to us. That's what makes them our "best" friend.
If she makes an out-right pass, then go for it.
DO NOT MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!! If they get tipsy, and get a little clingy, behave!!!
That is not a cue to pounce or be opportunistic. To take advantage of their vulnerabilities, or catch them off-guard. When a straight-friend is forced to reject sexual advances from a gay friend, they feel the friendship was all just a setup or a scam.
I don't allow my straight-male friends to touch me inappropriately, just because I'm gay. If it's all in fun, fine; but I don't like to be mocked for who I am. Grabbing my ass, or blowing me kisses. Okay, I have a sense of humor. No crotch-touching. Less I get to do the same.
As "out" gay people, you/we have to learn to respect boundaries. We have to learn where to aim our feelings of attraction, and practice self-control. You're very young, and hormones run rampant. They'll draw you to every sexy pretty girl you see. Friends are like fish in a barrel; so they make prime targets, and easy prey. It's disrespectful to cross that line.
You will have to teach yourself when your feelings are inappropriate. We must not make our "besties" feel cornered; or jeopardize friendships that we've founded on mutual trust. Meant to be one thing, but was really a sly way to get another. Some gays stoop to that lowly behavior.
It backfires!
We don't try to force our feelings on people who are not gay, or twist every "gay-friendly" thing they say and do into gay-curious. Nor label it closeted behavior. We instinctively know what's off-limits, what IS gay, and can discern crossed-signals; and practice sexual restraint just as well as heterosexual people can.
Many straight people stereotype us as promiscuous; and characterize our sexuality and attraction for the same sex as reckless and out of control. Indiscriminate of age, and void of moral values. For some that's true, but it is not rule of thumb. It does not hold true for the majority of us. No more than it does for straights.
Put your feelings in proper perspective. Don't behave like you're out of control; because it isn't true. You, like everyone else, have some restraint and you know what lines you shouldn't cross.
It would be so very hurtful to force her to have to make you do it. That hurts, and it's extremely painful for both your friend, as well as yourself. She likes guys, and you should put it out of your head to be jealous; and ruin that special connection you have between you.
I don't buy the nonsense that people are so in-love they can't control their behavior. The truth is, they don't want to. Well, if you have to...you better!!!
I would never make my straight-male friends feel I fancy them in any other way; but the love of a brother and friend. I don't feel it is fair for them to lower their guard and be put on the spot like that. They change at the gym in-front of me, shower at the gym, and give me bear hugs. I don't want them to think I run that through my mind as making sexual advances. It would upset them; although they know I recognize they are good-looking. They recognize the same in me, but we are buddies. That's all. I can turn it off, it doesn't mean I don't know they are hot. Oh, and they are. If they wanted to fool around, they would have to be the one to initiate it. I won't!!! I would even reject their advances and remind them I don't want to cross that line. I'm not a guinea pig.
If you can't help it, distance yourself until you can.
Gay people CAN control our sexual and emotional attraction for our friends. Gay or straight. We are not horny pigs with no self-discipline. You have the responsibility to show your best friend that respect. If she wanted you that way, she would have come to you long ago. She hasn't, so do whatever it takes to preserve that wonderful friendship you have. Make sure you keep it buried until it wears off.
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