A
female
age
41-50,
*appyme
writes:i have to start my question with my story...i'm dating a guy who is 27 and im 26.i'm currently workin and recently moved out of a siblings place to get a place of my own.My boyfriend is in search of a job as he just completed his masters programme.he is d best tin dat has happened to me.i love him so much, he caring and everytin a woman wld ever want in a guy but i'm disturbed about d fact dat he still lives with his parents.Even though he told me that dat wen he gets a job, he'd get a place, i still have some doubts dat his parents would affect his decisions.he's from a family dat value respect and all,such as wen ur parents are talkin to u, u dont talk back or defend urself cos its disrespectful.(he says his parents never listen so talkin back at dem is a waste of time).Normally we hang out togeda at my place and den he leaves for home at 9.00pm and gets home like 9.30 or 10pm.Recently they complained about his comin home late and even said i am the reason for his irresponsibility.What bothered me d most was dat he didnt stand up for me, like sayin he has a mind of his own and he grown up and all and can come back home late cos he's doing his stuff.he just kept quiet and we seen for like 3 days now and once its 8 he packs up his tins and rushes home so his parents wont think he doesnt listen to them and he says he is protecting my interest so they can like me.i dont want to be liked anymore, i just wanna have my man be a man, have a mind of his own, remind his parents he isnt a kid anymore and keep getting home at 9.30 so they would get tired of complaining and let him be at least for now while he is still with them. Am i supposed to be understanding cos its really gettin to me?I'm scared his parents would have a say in our future home cos of this respect thing as we plan to get married.I really need to know how to handle this because i havent been myself for the past three days....thanks
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (17 December 2009):
 My advice is that he talks to his parents and explains them the best he can that he has to take his life in his own hands, as an adult. I think you are right to be worried and if he is easily influenced by his parents this will go on whether he lives with them or not. They should be thankful that their son has found a great match and stop meddling. Try reasoning with your boyfriend, explain your viewpoint, maybe he will come around and see your point. This is a tough situation for you because you are about to marry your boyfriend... and his parents in this case. Your boyfriend should pay his rent while he lives in the parents' house, cook his dinner, etc. - this will teach them he doesn't need their help and that he is grabbing the helm of his adult life. You might suggest that, for now. He should also start facing them and start making his own decisions, irregardless of what they say. He is 27. Others start living alone at the age of 17 or 18. I think you'll have a rather 'adventurous' marriage if you don't fix this problem prior to marriage. He should agree to having a relationship just the two of you, and agree that his parents shouldn't have a say in what you are to do with your life as a couple, maybe only exceptionally suggest something, without this becoming the norm. If he doesn't agree to this or agrees with a half-hearted word-of-mouth, there you have it. It means it's very hard for him to disobey his parents, be it about the groceries or the school he takes his child to. I wouldn't like that either, personally. All the best.
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