A
female
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anonymous
writes:I still like my ex but he does not want to get back with me. We are both in our thirties, and our relationship was very complicated. He had kids, I have a child, ex-partners etc etc ......it was very difficult at times for us to be happy. We live in a small town where gossip is rife. People would make up things and try to cause trouble between us. In the end we both agreed to split. He has a few mental issues anyway so sometimes he would believe some of the things he was told which made him distrust me more and more. It was very frustrating for me to try and make him believe me. So we decided to split which in my heart I feel is the best thing for us at the moment. But I still really like him although he has made it clear he does not want to get back with me. Now Im stuck because I dont know whether to move on or stick around and wait and hope that he will change his mind? People keep saying the best way to get over someone is to use the no contact rule but in my case I wonder if that is too dramatic? We didnt split on bad terms and it just seems silly to ignore him. But I dont want to pester him and push him further away from me. I just dont know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): Do you really, really want him back or do you deep down maybe want him back because he doesn't want you back? Make sure you want to try again for the right reasons. In the meantime get on with enjoying life and being unattached.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): I was in a similar situation to yourself. My ex had ex partners, childrn etc which I couldn't cope with so we split. I wanted him back but he was having none of it. This was about a year ago and I am now quite happy on my own. The exes and the kids are not going to go away and nor are all the things which you didn't like about him. I too have a child and I concentrate on him. I liked parts of my relationship with him and the bits I really disliked are never going to change. To begin with I alsmost used to beg him back but it dodn't work and I ended up feeling humiliated. No contact works but only if you totally leave him alone so time makes him remember the good things about you but it should really be used to allow you to move on not really with the hope of getting him back. Personally I think you will meet someone else soon and then you won't be so bothered anymore
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (28 February 2014):
 OP,
I'm worried about your situation. At this point it is relatively safe. But it could turn into some thing ugly like this- http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-ex-who-tried-to-ruin-my-relationship.html
I'm not saying you are a psycho stalker, What I'm saying is that the seeds of this are in your situation and in your desire to stay "friends". I said ex's don't make good friends, and honey has explained why. In your case there are some additional factors to help convince you of what a bad idea this is.
One he has mental issues. He may need a stable friend through those issues but you are too connected to be that friend. in fact your understanding of those issues makes you distrust him. Two he believes others and does not trust you. You can't build a friendship on mutual distrust.
The town full of gossips is still there.
The children from previous partners and the previous partners are still there.
As long as you two are still friends you will neither have a chance to build a new healthy relationship with someone else. Don't cling onto what was an unhealthy relationship just for comfort. Let it go. Your decision to break up was well thought out and mutual. It was the right decision.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): If someone tells you they don't want you back, you can hold out and wait as long as you like. Life will pass you by, and so will the person who is out there better suited for you.
You can play stubborn and insist that he should love you and want you back; but time is your enemy. Time will punish you for your foolishness. You'll look back and realize all the time you wasted waiting for a man who doesn't want you, has problems, and someone you had a miserable life with.
You only want him back; because you're afraid you won't find anybody else. You figure he knows you, and you don't have to prove anything. He doesn't trust you, fought with you, and believed horrible things said about you. You want more of that??? Are you kidding me???!!!
You miss being in a drama. There is nothing good to want back. Just the convenience of having a man around, and not having to go through the trouble of dating and finding anyone else. You put your kid through hell, now you want to pickup where you left off. SERIOUSLY?!!!
Being single, surviving on your own, and meeting new men; demands you to work on (or deal with),your weaknesses and insecurities. It demands you to be strong, and break all dependency from your ex. Being single forces you to rely on your own resources. You have to look after and support your child on you own. All you miss is someone else to dump your problems on. You miss a man in your bed, that's all about
YOU! You kid needs a stable and loving environment. That man didn't provide it. Don't tell us about how you love him. He's got mental issues, and children do not need that kind of person losing their temper around them. You push his buttons, and that's why he doesn't want you around.
Grow up. You don't need that broken man in your life screwing up your child's head with all the fighting and strife. All your got was gossip around you, and nothing but the worst life can bring to two people. On top of it all, you stuck it out until it imploded. What do you have to show for it?
No contact is too dramatic? You've got to be kidding?
Compared to the drama described in your post. It is exactly the best remedy to come your way.
You need to detach from your addiction to an a-hole, get on with your life, and find someone suitable to make you feel loved. To help raise a happy and well-adjusted child.
Children are subjected to all our bad decisions. You're being selfish. If you would even keep that man in your life ...let's put it bluntly. It would be because you're too weak to move on and do better for the both of you.
You're lazy, and don't have any faith in your own strength. You would go back to what's familiar, instead of what is right for you. You're drama-queen, and you were feeding on all that conflict and suspense. Your life was a spectacle for other people to judge and intrude upon.
I got dumped and went through the whole thing with loneliness, and second-thoughts. Anger, neediness, the whole gambit. Then I started to realize my own strength; and became my own friend and support. I reconnected with family and friends to fill the void. I also got to work on doing the things I needed to do, to rebuild my strength. I helped others; and put my petty issues behind, me to grow from enlightenment. I took constructive criticism from my friends, I read a lot of books,and I had a lot of fun.
You are now a single-mother. Another human being you brought into this world is depending on you. That child is all you live for, so you best keep anything out of his or her life that can't offer a good environment; or make you both feel totally loved and protected. WITHOUT DRAMA!!!!
Life has drama. Then there's the unnecessary crap we create for ourselves. The stuff we can avoid. That's what I mean.
For now. No contact will help you to heal. To detach from your addiction to him. It will allow you to make yourself available to someone making his way to you that is better for you.
Sorry, if I seem so mean. I know how you feel. I only want to open your eyes and help you to avoid what will hurt you; more than it will help either you, or your child.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 February 2014):
 Honestly what do you think would happen if you had a second go of it? The same thing.
If whatever broke you two up isn't resolved, trying again is futile.
And you are GOING to have to accept that he DOESN'T WANT to get back together with you. Great guy or not, HE isn't it for you. You are wasting time HOPING he will change his mind.
No Contact is a good way to emotionally extract yourself from a relationship that is over. It's NOT about being dramatic. Since you still have a LOT of feelings for him, going no contact might help you see a bit more clearly what happened and WHY trying to "win " him back is pointless.
You should keep the No Contact because you are still focused on being with him, regardless of how he feels and what he has told you.
At some point in time LATER down the road when you BOTH no longer have romantic feelings for each other, being friendly CAN be an option, but it doesn't work for everyone.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (28 February 2014):
 Life is too short to wait around for a man who has told you he isn't interested in reconnecting.
If things were going to work out, you would have held on and stayed together and made it through but here you are and you are both in a place now where space will be better than chase - you can not chase him if he doesn't want to be caught, he needs space to breathe, focus and think.
If there is any hope of him wanting to reconnect then he will have to come to you and if that never happens, it wasn't meant to be - the old saying that if you love something, set it free and if it comes back, it is yours, is so true - if it is meant to be, it is meant to be and you would be stronger for it.
Don't chase this man. Don't push this man. It will just alienate him from you more as he won't feel as though he can get a moment to regroup and to get himself together.
If you meet someone else in meantime, date, have fun, see what else there is out there -maybe there is someone else that is a better fit for you after all and you just don't know it, yet!
I hope you find what you are looking for and get some peace. It is hard to move on when we're not the one who wants the relationship to end, but you will get there!
Hugs
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