A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am just back from a lovely weekend with my bf of 45 of one year. Things have been strained as he has joint custody of two pre-teen children and he works away twice a week plus there is 50 miles between us. There is no drama with his ex or children. All good there.He is intelligent and practical and motivated and admits he is quite unemotional plus he drinks beer most nights and smokes which concerns me as he coughs and doesn't seem to have a dry day. I want to support him cutting back on these and he is trying. He is a good guy and great dad but there is very little romance. I was really hoping this time away would be spent becoming deeper in an intimate way. I love touch and kissing and hand holding but he is just not that type of guy. He is solid, reliable and tolerant and a hard worker and we have an ok sex life. Am I expecting too much? Im not getting any younger and my child is all grown up and left Uni ten years ago. I told him I need to be complimented occasionally and held and to feel special and feminine with him. He tries but soon reverts back. I can feel myself picking fights because Im feeling sad that we seem to be like two really good friends who care about each other but I miss not being with someone who is tactile.
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his ex, kissing, sex life, smokes Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (28 August 2017):
Why don't you try couples therapy?
It seems your emotional needs are not being met.
If your man is your same age, it will be very hard for him to change.
What you can do too, is make agreements. Whenever you feel the need to cuddle or being touched and kissed, you need to make him sign that if you start kissing and touching him, he should hang along and reciprocate, even if he doesn't feels like doing so. He needs to make the effort in order to make you feel better, and you need to make the effort to let him know when your emotional needs are not being met and you need hugs and kisses.
Best luck!
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (26 August 2017):
Questions like yours always interest me because often, you will find the advice is usually to accept that some people aren't overly affectionate and throwing away an otherwise good relationship for a lack of romance is silly.
Yet, if someone writes and says the exact same thing about sex, they are usually advised to leave because a mismatched sex drive will lead to resentment further down the line.
Personally speaking, I find this strange as to me there is very little difference between the two things. Both are things that people may have a higher or lower need for; and both are things that (for the most part) are expected to be met solely by a committed partner.
So my advice to you is the same as it would be if you'd asked about mismatched sex drives - if you feel you can live with it the way things are, then stay. If you really miss affection and can't imagine living the rest of your life without it, then leave and find someone more compatible. In my experience, being in an unfulfilling relationship feels much lonelier than actually being alone.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 August 2017):
 And what would you like to do, tactilizing him at 45 years of age ? Btw, I must say that I really don't see a lot of PDA and handholders in his age range, but maybe I am wrong or did not pay enough attention. Nevertheless, if he is a good man but not romantic, that's what he is, a good man but not romantic. You can't convince a man to be romantic, same as you'd convince him to curb carbohydrates or quit smoking or wear blue rather than black. Being ( or not being ) effusive, tactile, physically demonstrative is more than just a habit or a preference or a style, that you can pick up on demand, it comes from inside, it's a personality trait, part of who he is as a person.
Now, it's up to you if you feel you can have a good ,fulfilling relationship even without enough loveydovey things, or if this is a dealbreaker for you , and tactile is THE way you want to be loved. If it's the second option, then unluckily you are with the wrong person.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (26 August 2017):
“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” I don't know who really said it but it is true. Only you can decide whether his good qualities outweigh his lack of tactility, but don't expect to meaningfully change it. It doesn't mean he loves you less that you love him, but if you want to be loved in a different way, you might need to look elsewhere. Good luck.
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