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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My problem is that I don't know if I should stay or move on with my life. I have been together with my boyfriend for four years now, but the problem is that I want more than he has given me. Let's start with family, we have different cultures and it has been horrible to me that I have never really seen his family. I have asked millions of times for them to come over and meet me but no, they don't want, they always say they are gonna invite me first but they never do... And this situation kills me, we have been together for 4 years! I complain about this to my boyfriend all the time, he says he understands and has fought with his family about this and in the end he always says it's really close to happening, that I will meet them soon. But here I am...I have seen his sister once, but that's it. So, they probably really don't want me in their family..The other thing is I have been ready to get married and have kids for a long time. Last spring he told me we could get engaged in the summer, i waited the whole summer but nothing happened. Now we have talked about it a lot in this autumn, and he told me I'll get the ring way before christmas comes, but now it's late november and no ring.. He just keeps saying things are gonna happen, but they don't. I don't wanna wait forever, I don't have time to wait forever, and i've said this to him. He says there should be no problem cause things are gonna happen and we have each other.We live together (yes! but still his family won't visit) and we are together all the time, I know this sounds so weird.. I have never told about this to anyone, I can't tell my friends or family, I just lie to them that things are normal..But this kills me and Im in somuch pain, thinking if I should just move on.I probably sound so pathetic for even waiting this long..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): if you've asked a million times to meet his family and they don't want to meet you then you should let the issue go already and just leave it at that. complaining to him does no good you're only creating more conflict by putting him in this difficult situation where he has to mediate between you and his family. remember they are his family, they raised him and have been in his life much longer than you have. It's unwise require him to be in conflict with them.as for getting married, have you tried to really understand his point of view? In other words, waiting and waiting while pushing for what you want, isn't the same as compromising and giving equal weight to his opinion, it is still pushing to eventually get your way. if he keeps assuring you that you'll get married but his behavior is clearly stalling, then it means he doesn't want to get married and just pushing until eventually you win out isn't going to help it will only be the start of a new chapter of (marital) problems as a marriage brought about under those conditions will not be a strong one (I've seen it play out like this before). Have you tried to understand why he's unwilling to get married? There must be a reason he doesn't want it - and him promising to give you an engagement ring and then not doing it, is stall tactics which means he actually does not want to do it and is just trying to keep the peace by pretending he does. I think you have a deeper problem here which is that you want to get married and have kids like, yesterday, and he doesn't want to. I think you would need to figure out where he stands, without pressuring him to go along with what you want. If you find out that he doesn't want to get married anytime soon (and do not judge his reasons or dismiss them as invalid), and if you can't find an alternate but genuine path to happiness for yourself within his limits (which I would encourage you to try and do so you can take control of your happiness not leave it up to him), then it's best to move on otherwise you will both continue to make each other miserable (I don't think you're the only one who's unhappy here, his reluctance to get married means that being pushed towards it is a source of unhappiness to him).
A
female
reader, Arganique  +, writes (23 November 2012):
I'm sorry to hear that, OP. You have contributed to the relationship for the past four years. For four years you have grown close with your boyfriend. For four years you have shared private moments and memories. This is why the idea of a break up may seem heartbreaking.You had four years of commitment, closeness and intimacy. Not to mention you live together. In my opnion, there is no excuse (religion/cultural) that he had not introduced you to his parents yet. I know firsthand how hard it is for you and how difficult it is to deal with the emotions that result from that. It took my boyfriend a year and a half to introduce me to his parents, and I thought that was too long! I remember doubting myself, thinking things like "maybe he doesn't see me as a long-term partner, maybe he's ashamed to show me off to his family, maybe he's worried about what they might think". When I approached my boyfriend about my feeling weird that I still have not met his family, he was very surprised, he had no idea I felt that way. I did not complain to him, I simply approached him and said, "Listen, I feel kind of weird about not meetin your folks yet. It's making me feel kind of strange. What do you think about that?" - Such a casual approach usually achieves a positive and a communicative reaction.You mention that you "complain all the time" to your bf. Complaining, unfortunately, doesn't work with any of us. It just makes most people defensive, and stubborn. Maybe try a different approach? You two live together right? So maybe tell him that next Saturday you'd love to have his parents over. Tell him, with positive excitement that you are planning to make a big delicious dinner. Ask him to call and invite his parents. Then make an effort to prepare for that day! Take him to your nearest Home store, and choose nice cutlery together so you can meet his parents in style. Get him to be in the process. Start coming up with recipes, get some fresh flowers, prepare some food in advance. Go to the bakery and get some pastries. Get some good coffee or tea to make! Your boyfriend will see that you are serious, and that you are set on meeting his parents. He will not want to change his plans and tell you otherwise if he sees that you are excited about it. Again, don't complain or "nag". Just be excited and positive about this experience. Most of all, be excited and smile! Tell him all of your ideas! Recipes, pastries, coffees, new pretty napkins that you bought just for his parents arrival! It will make him feel nice that you are making an effort.As for the engagement or moving forward: where is the element of surprise? It sounds to me that you told him you're expecting a ring, and he keeps postponing it. I understand you want a family and kids. Trust me, I understand. But honey, let me ask you this, or better yet, ask yourself these questions. Why SHOULD he propose to you? Why SHOULD he go and spend money on a ring and make you a promise to be with you through good and the bad when you already live together? Why SHOULD he commit to you and love you to the end? Why SHOULD he introduce you to his parents? Why SHOULD he respect your needs and try to make you happy?Honey, when you answer these questions yourself, this will help you see your relationship in a much clearer way. For example: Why should he introduce you to his parents? Because after 4 years of intimate exclusive relationship you deserve to feel wanted, and to be part of his family. Simple as that. Your answer to all of the above questions could simply be: I DESERVE it! Nothing less!Work on your self-image. It seems to me that you're settling for less than you're allowing yourself. You should not have lied to your family about not meeting your boyfriend's parents. That was your weakness. You should always have standards, and you should not lower them for anybody. Minimize, or completely eliminate your complaints to your boyfriend. It's obviously not working. His constant postponing is obviously telling you something. Maybe he's rethinking his goals, maybe he's not sure, or maybe - just maybe - he's saving up for a special something.When you change your attitude around, it will take him by surprise too! If he's used to see you anxious about your future together, about getting engaged, married, kids, etc, anxious and complaining about meeting his family. Well, show him a new and improved side of you! I am a very commited person myself, and I think breakups should only occur when absolutely necessary. I do not know enough about your situation to suggest that you break up with your partner. When you feel crappy about your relationship you should 1) take a look within, why do you feel like that? What can you change in your thinking to make you feel better? Usually we feed our minds with negative feelings which influences us to feel that everything is breaking apart.2) communicate your thoughts, fears and emotions to your significant other.3) How do you feel about yourself in this relationship? Do you love yourself? Are you confident? Do you have a high level of self esteem? If your answer is no to any of the questions which should logically be answered "YES", then you should make a change.4) Think about yourself first. Are you HAPPY? That is the most important question. I wish you best of luck! :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): chill out and wait for your ring.. he said by Christmas, well guess Christmas is not yet.. quit being desperate for someone to love you.. people with love and care issues can end up alone if they ruin every relationship they have ever had
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): You're being a little ridiculous about his family not accepting you, a bit childish. Not everyone in this world is accepting. Try being a lesbian like n you'd feel way worse, the remedy......tolerance. You may like like the idea that his family could care less about u, but as long as their son....your man is by your side then u must tolerate it. So what if they don't like or want to meet u. N if u break up with him n meet another wonderful man what if u encounter the same or a similar problem with his family, will u pick up n go. As long as his family isn't insulting u or threatening u then I don't see a problem. My advice....stop pressuring your boyfriend for a ring before u run him off. Then you'll have nothing. Stop being spoiled, understand that everything don't work during your timing, and somethings may never work. But if this not meeting family as of yet and no ring by specified date is a deal breaker then I suggest u part ways.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): Darling do you have plans marrying his family? don't you think that its pretty obvious that your bf loves you even if his family doesn't like you. The mere fact you've been together for four years it means his serious about his feelings for you.
Or maybe there are things you didn't mention. your the only one who can really tell. whats taking so long for
him to marry you, anyway? four years is too long.
if his making you feel secure all the time except for the family thing, dont worry about his family.Just be busy your making yourself happy with ur bf and start making your own family with him. Good luck..
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