A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about five years we both have crazy work schedules so I suggested that we get a place together somewhere located centrally Between both of our apartments.In my mind it’s the perfect solution so we can spend more time together and save money not to mention it’s been 5 years and Im Hoping it will lead to marriage eventually.But he said NO! He is not ready! It’s been a ongoing argument for about 6 months. But everytime I think about it I feel a sense of rejection and anger! I’m starting to wonder if he even sees a future together? He is a great boyfriend (when we spend time together) should I be this hurt over his decision? Is he wasting my time? I’m 35 years old and I want kids and a husband!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 January 2018):
 He is wasting your time. But you should have talked to him about the future, marriage/kids from early on. Like, when you were just dating. Some say it's too early, but people in general tend to know what sort of relationship they are aiming at. People who just want a good time and no commitment or don't want to think of the future, they will say "I just want to get to know you and see where things go". People who want marriage and kids will tell you "In the future I want marriage and children". Really. People know what they want, in general. So this is definitely a question that should come up in the very early days.
Especially marriage/kids needs to be an early conversation, because it's such a deal breaker. It's one thing to not know for sure when you're 23. But when you're closing in on 30, or 40, YOU KNOW. And if they still say "I don't know" or "Im not ready", then it's just code for "no". At least, anyway, "not with you".
This is long overdue. It's been 5 years. You're both adults. If he's still saying "not ready" for something as easy a step as moving in together, then I can promise you with 100% guarantee, it will never happen with this guy. You don't need five years to get ready. If it hasn't happened within ONE YEAR, it wont happen at all. And by one year I mean you either have talked about marriage/kids and moving in together, or you're deep into planning it. For someone age 20, of course that's too fast, but when you're 30-40, you know what you want, and you also know when you meet that right person. Your boyfriend is saying he's not ready, but that's just code for "you're not the right one for me".
If you want a family in the future, or even a live in boyfriend, then you need to ditch this guy as he doesn't see a future with you.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (15 January 2018):
 I'd cut this one loose.
How does he not know what he wants after 5 years? What has he been thinking in this time?
A man his age shouldn't be playing games, he should know exactly where he's up to in life.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (15 January 2018):
Five years and he told you he’s not ready. It I’s two years past time to tell him goodbye.
You have already talked to him about it. Heck you’ve been arguing for six months what more is there to say other than goodbye?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 January 2018):
 If he is still not ready after being together for five years then I think you should be ending things. Off course talk to him and tell him how you feel and have a listen to what he has to say but honestly if he’s still unsure after being together for so long then I can’t see him changing his mind any time soon.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 January 2018):
 I agree with Cindy,
If you have NOT had this conversation, NOW is the time to do it.
And I have to say, at your ages and after 5 years he should KNOW if he wants to BE with you long term or not.
You can't live on the HOPE that living together will lead to marriage. YOU can't expect him to read your mind, you NEED to SAY the words. This is what I want for my (our) future (marriage and kids) - where do YOU see it heading, are you interested IN marriage and kids at all?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (14 January 2018):
 Have you asked him why he's opposed to you living together?
How often do you meet each other? Has he ever spoken about marriage and kids? It's very important that you be on the same page regarding the big decisions. You say you are hoping that it will lead to marriage eventually but if nothing has indicated this is 5 years together and at your age, then I don't think it will.
Exactly what is he waiting for?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (14 January 2018):
 Unless he's under 30, there's no reason for him to be saying no to marriage or moving in after FIVE YEARS - unless he isn't sure about your future together. Buying a place together before marriage is risky, though.
Ask him bluntly. Stay calm and not emotional, but it's time to find out if this is going anywhere because it could take you a couple of years to find someone else you love, another year or so to get engaged, then another two years to get married and pregnant. That would make you about 39, which is okay to be having babies, but you can't delay finding someone who want a future with you, as rushing to marriage/pregnancy isn't a good idea.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 January 2018):
 Maube this is a dumb question, but... have you asked him ? Have you two talked about, if you can see yourselves having a future together ?... 5 years seems rather a long time to have to be "wondering" IF there's any common future; generally in 5 years time one can get a sense of how the land lies, or else, - one can ASK.
You say you want marriage and children, what about him ? Did he say that he wants these things too, some time, did you ever talk about it ?
If not, it's time to ask. This would not be a conversation to have after 5 weeks of dating, or 5 months, - but after 5 years yes, I think it's absolutely normal that you want to know if you are on the same page, you should not try and guess it, you should know it for a fact right now.
TBH, the fact that he is so reluctant to get a place together, even if you being each one on your own means that you can spend very little time together, is not exactly encouraging from your point of you. He may be a great boyfriend because not much is required from him in terms of time, commitmment and freedom, when he has to crank it up a notch- he balks. He may very well love you dearly, but who knows, maybe he is one of those people who love their space, convenience and habits more than any person whatsoever.
Anyway- it's high time for a talk, I 'd say.
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