A
female
age
41-50,
*eserveMore
writes:I have been with a man for over 3 and a half years. I am about 14 years younger than he is and that has always seemed to be a good thing. We have one child together and I have two from a previous marriage who consider him their father... Here's my problem:He is affectionate to me (hugs, pecks on the lips, cuddling in front of the t.v.) but he never wants me sexually anymore... he used to. I have gained about 20 lbs since we started dating (due to having our 1 year old) I have been working hard to get it off and have dropped most of the weight. We have sex MAYBE once a month and it is never really like it should be when we do have it. It is very--- down to business--- if you know what I mean. I have brought this up for conversation many times and he says that it isn't me, that it is stress from work and the cholesterol meds that he is on. I told him that it is really hurtful to me because I never feel wanted. He says he shouldn't have to poison his body with a little blue pill just to satisfy me. This has been going on for about a year. I have lost soooo much self-esteem in the process... I have other men that are friends or coworkers who actually PURSUE me and tell me how attractive that I am, but I keep them at arms length and stay loyal. I even tell my "boyfriend" about it and he says he doesn't care what they say, that he trusts me.I have always trusted myself, I am literally straight arrow, but I am starting to doubt my ability to stay faithful if this goes on for the rest of my life.... I am at my prime and I understand he is older and not as "into" sex anymore.... plus the meds and work stress, but it's so unfair to me. When we do talk about it, I feel dirty and disgusting that I am even having to bring it up. I have told him that I don't even feel like a WOMAN anymore. I have suggested going to the dr with him to discuss it and find out how long this problem should persist. He said his dr said it is meds and stress and there is nothing that can be done to help except for him to lose weight and wait for work to calm down. I HATE being the one to initiate sex all of the time- once in a while is fine, if I know he feels the same and wants it, but every time makes me feel dirty like a SEX FEIND OR SOMETHING!?!?!?!I just want him to WANT me... I don't want pity sex. Even if we couldn't physically BE together, just knowing that he wants me would help loads....Please help. I don't want to cheat.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (4 April 2009):
If he is on medication that has killed his sex drive then he does kind of have an excuse. My friend has medication that does the same for her. BUT she does at least try and do things for her boyfriend as she realises that he needs something to keep him going.
I understand that you have told him you are not happy, but I don't think he understands what he needs to do.
Tell him that it would be nice just for him to give you an orgasm manually or by oral every now and then if he doesn't want sex. Or just to kiss you.
You could help him diet and both go swimming to help lose weight so he can come off the meds faster and you can feel happier about your body.
But I think you have to tell him that you NEED to feel wanted and that if he is not prepared to put effort into even holding you and kissing you then you want permission to go and get that from somewhere else.
I really don't think he's getting what you mean when you tell him about these other men. He thinks he's reassuring you that it's ok and he trusts you. He's not getting that you are trying to make him jealous and telling him that you have other options.
Tell him what you need specifically and tell him that if he can't provide then you will end up going elsewhere.
It may give him a kick up the arse.
Good Luck!! xx
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