A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:[OP's original title]I and my ex were together 5.5 years. We had some problems in december cause he get a new job so he wanted to hang out more with his coworkers including admins(girls).last saturday, first time after a month saw each other and we gave each other clothes back. I asked him to check his phone and saw his text to this girl saying: hey, remember we met at the bar then 2nd message was to her: how did u like the movie? I felt so betrayed and said nothing. Then i said my feelings to him. While i didnt talk to any guy for a month, he was adding the girls on his instgram and talking to his girl coworkers to make his contact. He texted me almost everyday to beg me to be with him and just a misunderstanding. Then when i dont answer him, he curses at me or threats me to post my intimate pics to fb. I really loved him and txted him that im done and heartbroken. His parents dont want me and he told me he loves me and wants me to understand his new job and will continue to build his relationship with the coworkers and his admins. Idk what to do. I want him to realize what he lost for. I also was so pissed today and checked his friend's list on fb and he added 2 girls. I ended up texting and asked him to delete and he did it.we are not friends on fb but i checked it.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 January 2015):
 Flowers don't mean squat. Sweet words don't mean squat. IF he really cared, he let you know that his behavior was NOT OK and that he is giving you whatever space and time you need. That whatever YOU need from him in order to regain trust, he will do. And then he would FOLLOW UP and actually do it. HE isn't going to do that. He thinks just by "fake apologizing" and "lowering" himself... he has made all the amends he needs to to. HE will not change.
YOU can do this. BUT start by ACCEPTING that you ALSO deserves better.
All you can hope for is that you BOTH learn from this relationship, and do not repeat the behaviors from this one.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Honeypie,
It has been 5 days i have not texted or answered his calls.It is hard but i need to do it for myself this time.I still love him but i do not trust him and not ready to get hurt again.
If he really loved me, he would come with flowers to talk which he wont do it anymore
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 January 2015):
He think by doing what he is doing he is "lowering" his pride... Seriously?
Honey, BLOCK his number. If you can't find an app for your phone, then consider getting a new phone number.
Don't let him blackmail you into something you KNOW you don't want. And really IF he cared would he threaten you? No.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe didn't text me last weekend. He only texts me during the weekdays and begging me to give him a chance and that how he misses me. One word he texted me made me confused saying that: cause he thinks if he really loves me, he needs to lower down his pride. I do not know why he said that also when i do not answer him. He is like do you want me to threat you again in order for u to answer?but i am not answering his calls or messages.
Does it hurt? It does hurt.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 January 2015):
As far as the HPV - no, if he was JUST A carrier and it was DORMANT in him (and yes it can be for years) the first test can show no changes in your pap-smear, then OVER time ANY time he can have transmitted it to you. Talk to your doctor or look up HPV and transmission.
So it's really a moot point on the HPV unless he confessed or you found "evidence" of cheating. Not all STD's are "boom" if he has it, you will too. HVP sucks because it can be transmitted while using condoms for instance.
But the HPV aside, IF you think he cheated and gave you HPV - why stay? Either you forgive and move forward or you walk.
People ONLY change if THEY want to. Sometimes WE (general WE) do it for others, sometimes if for ourselves.
Take some time to figure out what YOU really want.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Sincerly, We havent seen each other during December and just saw each other on last saturday. He told me he never went out with female coworkers and respected but i saw the text he said to that girl.He told me he was introduced to her and she is from the company so which means he went out with female coworkers and he will be keep doing this si ce he get a new job and he needs to build a relationship with everyone.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (23 January 2015):
 I'm not sure about the laws on distributing your pictures, if any. I had forgotten about that. Would it be any help to ask the police to help you? Putting your intimate pictures online is a juvenile and cruel threat at best and it could ruin many relationships for you.
When you say he texted the girl who he had met and when to a movie with, was that during or after your relationship?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Honeypie, i had the test when i was with him and it came up negative. Second time when i take it, it came up positive. Dont u think, if he had hpv before and it would have shown on my 1st test positive?
Yea you are right
I can not change people. I could not change him all 5.5 years and i guess i can not change him right now.
It hurts but i guess i need to move on and stop answering his texts
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 January 2015):
If he had sexual partner BEFORE you, the HPV could have come from them. HPV can lay dormant for years and unfortunately, there are no tests that can detect HPV in men UNLESS they have an outbreak. (such as genital warts). So HE might NOT have cheated, he might JUST have been a carrier.
He WAS without doubt a different guy before his radical weight loss and I think he is discovering a "world" he wasn't part of when he was 350lbs and now he wants to make up for "lost time" - and if that is the case, there is NOTHING you can do to stop him. No amount of "control" will.
My best advice to you? GET those pictures he HAS of you deleted. THAT would be my first priority.
Secondly, SIT down and look long and hard at how you two treat each other and decide if that is OK or not. If you think it's OK, then well... nothing will change.
If you KNOW that the controlling (on your side) and the blackmail/manipulation (on his side) needs to stop, then ACCEPT that you CAN only control YOURSELF, your ACTIONS, your thoughts and words - NOT his. But you CAN EXPRESS how HIS actions impacts you. IF he understand it and REALLY want to be with you, he COULD behave accordingly, but again I wouldn't hold my breath.
Maybe you might have to come to accept that YOU two have groan apart. That the relationship you USED to have is no longer good for either of you.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (23 January 2015):
Lesson number one: you can't change people so don't bother trying.
Lesson number two: you don't have the right to demand who adults can talk to, even if you are dating them.
You are broken up, move on and stop stalking him on social media.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (23 January 2015):
I understand you loved him and treated him well at his lowest. But he clearly cheated on you and is disrespectful. I am sorry for the heartache and betrayal he has caused you, but I advise that your focus be elsewhere. You are hurting yourself and aching but he is enjoying his new body and will continue to take advantage of the new opportunities it brings him. He may or may not end up regretting losing you and the wrongs he has done to you, and you can't control that. The more you pester and weigh on him, the less regret he will feel and the more he will pull away.
~Sy
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Sy, because i do still love him. I cant get it over. I loved with all my heart even when he was 350lb. When he lost weight, had the surgery, he changed.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (23 January 2015):
Why be concerned about what he feels he lost? It doesn't sound as if you're losing anything of value. Worry about yourself.
~Sy
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Honeypie, he was my first. When i had hpv test in our 3 year, it came out negative. When i had the test later, it came put positive. He told me he didnt sleep with any girls. It comes natural that hpv.
Secondly, i caught him texting his friend asking to bring his girlfriend's friend.
I caught these. Maybe thats why i feel like chrated?insecure
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 January 2015):
You are no longer together, yet you feel it's your RIGHT to stalk his FB and control who he adds to FB? Wow, you have issues young lady.
And when exchanging personal items (because you are NO longer a couple) you ASK to check his phone? SERIOUSLY?
He is NOT going to change. All he is going to do is be better at hiding stuff from you.
If you think that DICTATING whom your partner can talk to and whom he can NOT talk to is the norm I think you are wrong. I think you have some SERIOUS self esteem issues that YOU need to deal with. This is not healthy.
You EX on the other hand, is playing mind-games with you by ADDING these females and he generally has NO respect for you. He threatens to post INTIMATE pictures of you on FB, if you don't talk to him? HOW sick is that?
My last job were 90% men, 10% women. I talked to my co-workers MALE and FEMALE - I hung out after work with mostly the males as a couple of them lived 2 doors down from me and we shared a lot of common interests. NOTHING romantic about it. If I had had a BF telling me that I could NOT talk to them, hang out with them, I would have DUMPED said BF like a HOT potato.
I'm guessing that you two have had some issues with trust, Did he cheat on you in those 5 1/2 years? If so, WHY stay? If he didn't cheat in those 5 1/2 years did he "chat" inappropriately with other girls? If so, then obviously he is NOT going to change. He got away with it for 5 1/2 years...
This relationship sounds 100% unhealthy with a sickening game of control and manipulation that goes both ways. How can that make EITHER of you happy?
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