A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I started No Contact on Sunday so that I could start healing from my ex (of 10 months). Before cutting him off, I sent a one liner email saying "I wish you the best." Then blocked him on Facebook and erased him from my messenger contact list. Shortly following this, he called and messaged me twice saying he felt shocked, upset and disrespected. His recent message was the most difficult. He wanted to know why I disappeared "without the decency if goodbye" and why I cut him off if I'm friends with other exes." Should I break No Contact to explain that I need space?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@deirdre -you speak a lot of truth. Im still sad over it. You're right. He was a non boyfriend. And I kick myself for stating with him so long, hoping he'd change. I shouldve known better. I guess this is under live and learn. As far as friendship... he probably hates me now. But even if that were NOT the case, I'm shocked over how things happened. He seemed like a different person when we were together. He's become a bit uglier on the inside to me now, after seeing his reactions and manipulations. I wonder why I didn't see these in the relationship? He seemed normal then. Not like the manipulator I see now. I will definitely move forward from here
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (24 January 2015):
Unfortunately you can never be friends with this type of person. He will continue having a hold over you and manipulating you in some way, it just wont work. What kind of friend will he be? He was a non boyfriend. Just block every way he has of contacing you, dont go back. You deserve better than these mind games, trust me Ive been there
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 January 2015):
 Yes, continue NC. Don't get all weak-kneed and nostalgic, which is what tends to happen whtn you start forgetting the bad things and start thinking all wistful.
This is the part where you fill your life with other things to fill the ex-sized vacuum in your heart, or you'll keep getting tempted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo basically most of you are saying that if he knows why we broke up in the first place, then I should continue NC? I see. Some part of me would like to be his friend, but since we've lost respect for each other I'm unsure how that would pan. We used to have great conversations...when things were good. But when I see how things were not 50/50 in our relationship. ...and how he threw a tantrum over the fwb thing... maybe not. He's very sensitive like I am. He's probably hoping I rot in hell by now. To whoever suggested blocking his number and texts, thank you. I have to admit its hard--I love the ego stroke--but it'll help me heal
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female
reader, deirdre +, writes (23 January 2015):
This person is manipulative and is the type who would convince you that you are the unreasonable crazy one... If he could. Stay no contact, and block whatever other avenues he has of contacting you. He is insulting by "offering" you FWB and then acting as if you imagined it. You deserve better and this person is only capable of wasting more of your time, trust me. He is selfish and immature, you owe him NOTHING. Best wishes
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo all those who ask "Does he know?"...it depends.If you mean, does he know why I dumped him, then: YES. Before letting him go, I initiated a long conversation with him about things that bothered me in the relationship that were still unresolved. I asked him never attended to the issues that were bothering me while being with him. I wanted to know if the relationship was worth keeping. He gave me no clear answer about why he let the issues go, even though I brought up the financial issues up several times. He just apologized and said he somehow kept putting the issue into his subconscious and didnt handle it well. I felt his answer was a COP OUT. " kept putting the issue into your subconscious?" After I brought it up multiple times with to you directly? Stop wasting my time!But if you ask does he know why I dropped him after we stayed in contact, then I'm unsure. I just knew I was tired of his silent treatment and his self entitlement. Him thinking I OWED him sex (hence his tantrum) and him being passive aggressive even though he said we were good friends. He lost my respect.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 January 2015):
Ahhh, I am proud of you, OP! You did what many other people in your position either fail to do, or justify their lack of backbone in dealing with.
The guy is a master manipulator, and he got really upset that his games did not work on you. His messages were more of his game that has had much success in working with weaker minded girls.
YOU spotted this toxicity, stood up for yourself, rebuffed his desire to USE you for sex, and knew enough not to try to keep him as a friend to assuage guilt feelings.
He is playing in the "gray" area of trying to make you think that you're heartless and that he's just acting how normal people act. Truth is, he's not acting how normal people act. He tried to offer you a mirage when you wanted a real relationship with real feelings and real commitment and honesty.
I'm actually extremely proud of you. DO NOT contact this guy. You've said everything you need to say ad nauseum, and his attempts are just more manipulation and his own ego temper tantrum.
I asked you in my last post if you were weak enough to contact him and fall for his game. I think you actually may have more strength than he thought.
Let this guy eat static.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 January 2015):
 Reading your update, I stand by my advice.. YOU owe him nothing.
The guy was hoping to get you to have a FWB, when that didn't work, he TRIED to twist his words/actions in hopes that HE wouldn't look stupid.
The guy WAS/IS playing mind games, dropping the contact is smart, he an go play with himself in a corner! You don't HAVE to play along.
Good for you for saying enough is enough.
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female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (23 January 2015):
I agree with the others, he knows why you broke up and he just wants to whine about it.
In the long run, it is probably best for both of you if you don't play into it.
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female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (23 January 2015):
 Hon,
If he knows why you have broken up with him, then ignore him he is playing at being the victim.
If he has no idea why you are NC, then you owe it to him to explain why you don't want any contact with him.
If he is abusive then rather just ignore him and move on with your life.
Honeygirl
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 January 2015):
 I like to wait sometimes to see what other folks say.
in this case everyone has said exactly what I was thinking
my first thought was... NO you owe him NOTHING
my second thought was "wait does he KNOW why you are going NC? if not yes he is entitled to know"
my next thought was... after reading YouWish's response... and she made me see that you put "without the decency of goodbye and ...friends with OTHER exes"
that means he knows he's an ex.
that means he knows there have been problems.
so my take on this... IF you have a history of letthing him know what the issues are and you have said "this is what I need and he's not able to comply then NO do not contact him, his text is a manipulation.
however if this No Contact was out of the blue and you blindsided him with it (i.e. everything has always been JUST fine and you decided in your own mind "i'm done" and just walked away without a warning, then I would block his phone AND send him a letter by snail mail with your explanation and a statement that he should not contact you it's over.
but if he knows why you went NC... DO NOTHING but block him further.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): Do not break no contact! From what you have said, it appears as though he is trying to manipulate you. There's a reason why you broke up; he clearly hasn't got the message. Leave the past behind you, and start afresh.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYouWish- Wow. I never looked at it that way but that makes a LOT of sense. When I blocked him on Facebook his first message basically said 'I'm shocked and feel disrespected. But take care of yourself I guess.' He did know. If he knows then I'm unsure why he's acting this way now.Grievious.... I was tired of his passive aggression and silent treatment. He said we were good friends but had a temper tantrum cause I turned down his offer for fwb. As though I OWED him sex. Plus when I called him out on just waiting sex, he acted as if it were all in MY head and said I shouldve asked follow up questions for clarification! Just completely insulting my intelligence! Because he was trying to hide his own EMBARASSMENT for being turned down. He lost a lot of my respect because of that. I was beyond tired of his mind games
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 January 2015):
His little temper tantrum has to do with manipulating you.
The real question is -- are you the type who is weak enough to let yourself be manipulated, or do you MEAN "no contact" when you set your mind to it??
If you got to this point, then he knows damn well what went wrong in the relationship, and why you have reacted the way you have.
Don't fall for the manipulation. His response that since "you're friends with other exes" means that he KNOWS that a breakup has occurred, that you didn't just disappear, and he knows what went wrong.
What you should do is block the ways he just contacted you (phone and email) so that he can no longer communicate with you in this fashion.
He may very well try to find you in person, in which case you can tell him that you do not wish to speak to him again, and you wish him well, but you do not want to be "friends" with him after your breakup.
If he continues to harass you in person, then tell your friends, relatives, police, and file an order of protection in the courts if he can't take no for an answer.
If I read between the lines, I'm guessing that what he did was pretty grievous.
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (23 January 2015):
 If it was just a case of incompatibility (at least from your PoV), where he hadn't done anything wrong and you'd like to be friends later on, but need several months of no contact to heal first, then I'd say it's best to leave it on a good note by explaning the above, then returning to no contact, whether he wants to or not.
If either of you were abusive, neglectful, obsessive, mean, selfish, manipulative, controlling or cheated, I'd advise sticking to the no contact.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWCA- I dumped him because things were not 50/50 in our relationship financially. He has a steady job with steady income. No problems with bills or family. He just didn't invest into our relationship even after I brought it up with him. When i asked him why he couldnt give me a clear answer. I got tired of waiting and left.
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female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (23 January 2015):
Not enough information to give a good answer.
In order to give the best advice, we need to know more about the nature of the relationship. Was he abusive? Or too much of a nice guy for your tastes? Did he cheat? Did you?
My answer would vary greatly depending on the scenario, from "Hell no" to "Yes, you should at least tell him why".
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCiar, why don't you think it'd make a difference?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie. So you're saying even if I answer him, it wont be enough closure for him?
Although answering him seems goodhearted in a way, My fear is that speaking to him will open a can of worms...of blaming and anger. And I will end up being even angrier at him. Its a 50/50 shot.
I gave him a one liner response because I felt giving a longer answer would open up that same can of worms, but I didnt want to end completely silent. So the one liner 'I wish you the best' seemed like the best emotional compromise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCiar, he has only partial truth. Im friends with some of my exes NOW, yes. But we took time off after our break up...a lot of time...before reconnecting cordially. For whatever reason I think he wants us to transition from one to the other without break. Or rather,have the opportunity to speak to me and check on me, even though he'll say nothing to me. Which is why I blocked him on Facebook. Even though he was ignoring me I knew he was still checking my page.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 January 2015):
Nope, no need to explain a THING to him. You are working on YOUR healing he will find his. Even if you DID try and explain WHY you ended it the way you did he most likely would find any "closure", so let him go.. let it go.
IF you HAD a good reason to end it that way, I can't see what you "owe" him.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (23 January 2015):
 Yes, you should break contact and give him the respect of a proper reason why you need to do it...unless of course you fear that he will be abusive, then don't...But if there is no fear involved, except the fear of your heart breaking further, I think you should give him a proper explanation and end things on a good note. Wish him well and let him go with good emotions. To ignore his plea would be heartless and disrespectful of your time spent together. Honour the relationship you had with good intentions.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (23 January 2015):
Yes, you should break contact and give him the respect of a proper reason why you need to do it...unless of course you fear that he will be abusive, then don't...But if there is no fear involved, except the fear of your heart breaking further, I think you should give him a proper explanation and end things on a good note. Wish him well and let him go with good emotions. To ignore his plea would be heartless and disrespectful of your time spent together. Honour the relationship you had with good intentions.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (23 January 2015):
 Absolutely not!
If what he says is true, that you're friends with other exes but choose not to remain friends with him, then that should tell you something. It sure speaks volumes to me.
Nothing you say will make one iota of difference. You'll accomplish nothing but set the clock back on your own healing.
Do yourself a favour and just let him go.
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