A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi...I came across this site during a desperate attempt to resolve my relationship which is falling apart as I type.I'm a 24 1/2 year old male who has had his first serious girl friend ever. I was a virgin before meeting her, and fell in love with her. I gave myself to her, and we've been together for almost five months.She is a year younger than me, and had not been a virgin since she was 16. Being raised Catholic, I've had a lot of problems and self-doubt regarding our distinct sexual histories. Recently, I brought up the idea of being tested for STDS, namely HIV, because I am extremely scarred of any risk, no matter how slight. A number of partners in her past means there is risk no matter what to me. However, she uses my request against me saying I should trust her that everything's OK without getting any tests. She knows this has bothered me for some time, but fails to submit to testing and argues trust - that I don't trust her. In return, I say that I trust her, but not everyone she's been with (sometimes people lie and cheat, and she's asking me to trust all of her ex boyfriends). This is destroying our relationship. She won't do this for me, and I don't know what to do...Please help me...
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female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (2 April 2007):
 I Find this facanating to read, you speak of your virginity like its the holy-grail. Maybe it is to you, but not as important to her.
She is asking you to trust something she does not know herself. How do you know that she does not care?, or if she has something or not.
You can go round and round. You dont trust her, and she is completly selfish under the circumstances.
You have already slept with her, didn't you stop to think about this first. As your viginity was so important to you.
I would have tests done and not have sex with her until you know you are safe. If she objects to this tell her why you are doing it and explain its really upsetting you.
Trust goes both ways, and she should, if she loves you, be worried about your health as much as you are hers.
If all else fails, I think Dr Pete is right, and dont be with her.
Hope your ok XX
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2007): Hey JitterryJR
Touch choice, I guess you have to make the difficult call to either drop the test argument or drop her.
A point to mention though, unprotected oral sex is not safe - I have a friend who contracted herpes a few weeks ago from having / receiving oral sex yet whilst having protected penetrative sex. But I suspect your girlfriend would know by now if she had contracted something, so in all likelihood, she is all clear. You though should at least get tested and then you would know for sure if either of you had contracted something.
In an ideal world it would have been nice that she could have got tested, if not for her welfare for yours, but perhaps in the way the subject came about it quickly turned in to the situation that Yos describes in that it became an issue with her sexual experience that you disagree with and not your health.
I guess only you can decide whether or not you can let this drop and get on with the relationship. You have to think though, there is little point arguing to make her do a test, you've already been intimate with this girl so it is a little late to keep asking now. I personally think the best thing you can do is drop the issue, but get yourself tested if you feel there could be some risk.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (2 April 2007):
 You probably aren't going to like what I'm about to write. But please read what I'm writing with an open mind. I could well be wrong, but there is certainly a significant chance that I'm not. Please consider it, do not reject it out of hand as you will want to, since it plays to your insecurities.
I think you could be shifting the issue here, in order to gain the moral high ground. The real issue is that you were a virgin when you met, and she has had several previous sexual partners. This is something that is naturally unpleasant for you, no man likes to think of his girlfriend as having been with other men. Especially for a comparatively sexually inexperienced man it can be difficult. As you say yourself, you've had a lot of problems and self-doubt regarding this. I know what that's like, I have been there too.
The side effect of this self-doubt is that it can erode trust. Doubting yourself sexually towards your girlfriend can set off all sorts of questions (perhaps hidden): "Am I good enough for her?", "Am I experienced enough for her?", "Am I man enough for her?", "If she slept with other men, will she stay faithful to me?", and so on. You may not explicitly realize that this is what is going on, because to do so is to admit your own insecurity. But it is well observed and not uncommon for it to happen. The stereotype that men want to sleep with whores but marry virgins exists for a reason, unfortunately.
Because we hate to face these things in ourselves, we love to find excuses not to. We rationalize (men especially), and come up with reasons for our problems. Other reasons, the 'wrong' reasons, and especially reasons that make us look morally correct, and show us in a better light. It puts us back in a position of power, and allows us to regain our self-esteem. I think you could be doing this with the STDs test. By insisting on her taking the test you are implicitly criticizing her whilst showing yourself to be in a way 'better'.
What is more, by focusing on her problem with taking the test, you can tell yourself that this is the source of all your anxiety. That is certainly a much more palatable thing to stomach than the idea that you are sexually intimidated.
Listen to your girlfriend. She is telling you that you DON'T TRUST HER. She is right. Women usually are, instinctively. But it's not that you don't trust her to not have an STD. It's that you are struggling to trust her because of your different sexual histories. Because she has a sexual past and you don't. It has made you insecure, and insecurity erodes trust.
I suspect it hurts to read this. Try for a while to accept it and see how it makes you feel. If you accept it and feel a release of tension, at least temporarily, then it is possibly true. By what you have written (and frankly, my similar experiences), I suspect it might be.
And if this is what is really going on, then if she finally does cave in and have the test it won't make the situation better. Rather your mind will conjure another issue to focus and obsess over. Until you get to the bottom of what is the real source of your anxiety you don't have a chance of beating it.
May I also suggest that if this is really causing you to 'struggle like you never thought possible' that you seek professional therapy. It's not an easy thing to admit to oneself that you might need it, but if it hurts that much then it might be the best option.
Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2007): despite what she says, go and get yourself tested. and if she still refuses to get herself tested, then this isnt a good sign for a healthy relationship. yes trust is important, and if she really wanted to be safe she would get tested, cause it can only do good. question yourself if you really want to be with someone who's stubborn and doesnt want to make sure she's healthy
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A
male
reader, JitterryJR +, writes (29 March 2007):
Thank you to all who have responded.
I write to you again, in part to respond, myself, and in other part to update you.
First, to clear things up a bit: Dr. Pete, I did want to get tested as well, even though I consider myself at much less of a risk based on the fact that I was a virgin before meeting her.
And I agree with Dr. Pete. If anyone has had a sexual past, it certainly doesn't hurt to get tested. Seeing that getting tested can be as easy as getting your cheek swabbed, it pisses me off to no end that my girl friend insists on making this a trust issue. We've had our umpteenth "rational" discussion, where she insists that I MUST trust her. I must understand that she used condoms every time she engaged in vaginal intercourse, that she had sex ONLY with serious relationship partners, and that SHE USED HER BEST JUDGMENT in having these relations. ORAL SEX was performed probably various times with each partner, but SHE INSISTS there is ZERO risk from unprotected oral sex. When, in fact, there is one documented case...But it is only one in the grand scheme of things.
The problem is, she is an overall quality girl. I think she's being stubborn beyond all belief with this. Don't get me wrong. But she's quality, and means a lot to me. Which is why I'm reaching out to you all again. I loved her enough to lose my virginity to her. I have been a sexual prude my entire life. I gave her my virginity, though, at 24.5 years old. I think of her enough even to this day to do anything in my power to work this out. I AM STRUGGLING LIKE I NEVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE WITH THIS. I need some answers, and I need help.
When it comes down to the line like this, where you love someone, and you want to do everything you can to trust them and move past something that you've had a fear of your entire life, what in the heck are you supposed to do? I need your help. I need to know that the chances of her risks are minimal enough that I should look past them, trust her, and live our lives together...at least until something more "serious" breaks us apart. PLEASE help me....
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A
male
reader, kakaman +, writes (22 March 2007):
Wow! At first I thought maybe I posted this question. You and I have A LOT in common. Except my girlfriend did have an exam after she got together with me. I would go with what Dr Pete said. If you ever need to talk to anyone about this feel free to message me. I know almost exactly what you are going through.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2007): Get the test on yourself and if she doesn't want to do a test then question if you really want to be with her. Testing is the safest and most sensible thing to do. She doesn't want to discover when it is too late, does she? We only live once so why take the risk???
Take care
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2007): No, you should not give in to her request to "just trust her." She doesn't (and can't) know that she's disease free - not only from HIV but the other STDS as well, and she'll be tested for all of them, not just HIV, if and when she gets the test.
Meantime, it would be a good idea for YOU to get tested yourself, just to make sure she hasn't passed anything on to you.
I agree with Dr. Pete's recommendations to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2007): Can I ask why you aren't getting tested too?
If a person choose to sleep with someone who has slept with someone else then it is their responsibility to themselves - and to their partners - to get tested. Your girlfriend is being unreasonable to say that you should trust her. She may not even know she has a sexual infected disease. It isn't only HIV that you both should be concerned about, there are other nasty diseases out there.
Seeing as you have slept with her, you both should get checked out. If you offer to do it with her, she is more likely to say yes, I guess she might feel she is being "accused" and that is why she is being defensive.
And if she doesn't change her mind, well I think your relationship will continue to break down. I must say I think your girlfriend is being immature and irresponsible to not get tested and put her past sexual life behind her. Like I say, she has a responsibility to herself and you to do the right thing and get tested.
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