A
male
age
36-40,
*townpetey87
writes:Ok, well. I dated me ex for about 2 1/2 years. We had what i would call a "perfect relationship" we had our differences but we would never argue to a point where we were outwardly upset with eachother... ya know, nothing that a hug and kiss and some cuddling couldnt fix. Anyway, i loved/love her. After about 2 1/2 years she told me that she wanted to seperate because she didnt know who she was anymore she labled herself by our relationship and couldnt distinguish herself as an individual in her own mind. Anyway, i was like ok, we can seperate (we said seperate... together but not together) anyway, while we were seperated she told me that one of her old friends from college (current student) told her that he liked her. She then continued to confess to me that she kinda had a little crush on him too. About a week later she fully breaks up with me, claiming it had nothing to do with this other guy (we will call jake). My ex (we will call Ali) told me about 2 days after we offically broke up that she gave JAKE a physical time (not sex)... This was pretty hard on me, I still to that point had hope for her and I. I still care about Ali and she has been calling me a lot and we have been talking. She came to visit me and immediatly it was as if nothing happened. We were having sex... walking and talking like we were ok. But, i had this jealousy eating away on me inside. I dont want to resent anyone i am with, but i am finding myself to be resentful. She broke my heart, seems sorry for it, but not appathetic. She wants me to take her back like nothing ever happened and honestly. I dont know if its what i should want. I know i do want her back, but should i?
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male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (16 January 2008):
A question i'm usually embarassed to answer,i'll ask you.How much are you willing to sacrifice for this relationship? How much do you love her? How many times can you forgive her? What's your limit? When can you put your foot down and say enough is enough?
What you are planning on saying sounds fair enough and i was actually thinking the same but can you say for sure that when she "slips" again you won't reconcile?
Take care.
A
male
reader, ptownpetey87 +, writes (15 January 2008):
ptownpetey87 is verified as being by the original poster of the question (im the writer) I will take all of your answers into consideration. I guess i knew that i would have to give her another chance, simply because i do still love her. I cant justify denying myself that because of being afraid of getting hurt again. I will be seing her again within the next 2 or 3 days (she was out of the country for a month for christmas) at that time, i will tell her...
"i will give you a second chance, however, it will also be a last chance. If you want this relationship I need you to know that this is what you want. No more doubts about who you are, or who you want to be with. If there are still doubts, we will wait till you figure things out. Im here for you, and i love you, but i wont try to reconcile if you leave again."
does that sound fair enough to say? too harsh? too anything?? let me know all!
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (15 January 2008):
 A difficult one this.
I agree with LJ001 and chlez83 when they say "Go on, give it a try, but be careful" and, "Take her back. She deserves a 2nd chance but i wouldn't recommend a 3rd chance too".
It may be she's realised being with this other guy just isn't the same and perhaps she realised, fairly quickly, that you two are right for each other?
I'd recommend you 2 take things slowly this time round. It is too easy just to fall back into the old routine.
When you say "she wanted to seperate because she didnt know who she was anymore she labled herself by our relationship and couldnt distinguish herself as an individual in her own mind" it sounds to me like as well as being together perhaps you both need some time to do things each of you want to do?
Couples should be able to spend time on their own interests as well as doing "coupley" things together.
Having said this I think you handled the situation well. She said she needed some space and you gave it to her. She went off with this other guy and quickly came back.
Here we go... I'm going to say those dreaded words... It's going to take TIME for those thoughts and feelings of jealousy to go away. If this relationship is going to have any chance at all you need to CONTROL it. Give it some time and go slow.
She came back to YOU. She wants to be with YOU. She could've gone off with HIM but she chose YOU.
Quite rightly LJ001 says "try not to be jealous of the guy, as everyone has a past, just this was more recent. She's yours now, not his, and that's what matters. You're in love, so go for it. Life is for living"
EVERYONE has a past and there's NOTHING you can do to change that. Move on together and look forward.
Perhaps it might be an idea, if you haven't already, if you two talk about her need for space... Being a couple doesn't mean you have to do everything together. You both need your own time too. Just a thought.
Best of luck and remember it'll take TIME and until you don't feel it anymore you'll have to do your best to keep those JEALOUS FEELINGS UNDER CONTROL.
YOU'RE TOGETHER NOW :)
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A
male
reader, chlez83 +, writes (15 January 2008):
O dear,i really feel for you.I'm going through a very similar experience,only that in my case,i'm da1 that asked her back.You really have to be careful coz when a lady behaves in such a way,the root of the problem is that she's questioning her feelings for you and sometimes some other guy could start the questioning process.If she does come back out of her own free will,then i guess she's silently admitting that her feelings for you are too strong to forget.
Take her back.She deserves a 2nd chance but i wouldn't recommend a 3rd chance too.Then you need to,have to and deserve every right to know where things stand with the other guy.Ladies are so sinister that she could keep him and be with you too.Don't fall victim to the charm of a woman.I'm paying the price and it's sure painful,so be careful.Until you are sure that she's had a turn around,don't take her back.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008): This is a difficult situation to be in, and I'm not sure I'll be a lot of help, but I'll have a go.
This sounds like you two had a great relationship, but little things always go wrong from time to time in any relationship - and although this broke your heart, I believe you should take her back.
This is because she obviously loves you, to come back to you, and as long as she isnt with the other guy, this should be ok. You obviously love her too, and it's not like it's set in stone. Giving it another go never does any harm to anyone - as long as it doesn't end up totally messy.
Tell her how you felt your heart was broken, and that it was unfair to just leave him and go for someone else. She probably doesnt seem appathetic as she's a bit embarrassed and feels like she's betrayed you (which she kind of has). So this means she'll probably shy around the subject for a little while. So you've gotta tell her how you're feeling/felt about what she did. Make her feel bad, so she won't do it again.
Go on, give it a try, but be careful. Try not to be jealous of the guy, as everyone has a past, just this was more recent. She's yours now, not his, and that's what matters. You're in love, so go for it. Life is for living.
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