A
male
age
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*ddie1958
writes:A year after my wife died in 2003 I got the internet. I started to chat to a woman about my experience with my wife`s death and she chatted about her recent father`s death. She was married still at the time.Over the next nine years we chatted on and off. I felt a connection. I liked her personality. I didn`t know what she looked like till we came across each other again in 2010 when we added each other to Facebook. We both fancied each other. Round about then I found out she had split up from her husband and was living at her mother`s house. She wasn`t ready for a relationship and then I met someone else. She then started in a relationship with an old school friend. Fast forward to 2014. We chatted about all what we had been through over the years. We were both single again. We were extrmely honest about how we had felt. She said she had never fancied her husband and had married him because he wanted a life with her and their baby. She thought she had had to go through what she had to get were she was now and now was the right time to meet. So we met in May 2014. One look at each other and we fell in love and could talk openly in person. Everything was fine when we were together in person, but about 6 months later we started arguing on line. I got insecure. I wanted her to put me first in our relationship. She thought I was jealous of her having friends. While all this was going on her ex husband wouldn`t give up and she eventually when she thought I didn`t care about her she has said she is trying again with him. She has found 2 lumps on a breast and she said he has been there for her. I don`t want to give her a hard time because I can understand she needed someone when I wasn`t there. It hurts when she says it`s over with her. I asked her if she still loves him. She just said "What`s love anyway" I`m hurt she is with him, she tried before with him after her divorce and told me she had to try to make sure it was over. She tried then for the kids.We had lost contact because of our stubborness.I feel it isn`t over. Do I wait till she contacts me and risk her thinking I`m not interested or do I keep telling her how I feel? She still wants us to remain friends. She said we have good memories that she will never forget. If she said she still has feelings for him and non for me I`d rather move on, but she hasn`t.
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divorce, facebook, fell in love, her ex, insecure, jealous, move on, my ex, split up, the internet Reply to this Question
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reader, eddie1958 +, writes (7 June 2015):
eddie1958 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI totally understand were you are coming from. However you are relating to your experience and measuring me against that. She was once in a relationship with a control freak and I was aware she wanted her independance. We have a long distance relationship. I was spending weeks at her flat and changing my life to fit around hers. She liked the idea of us having our own houses, so I went along with that. I was about to pay for a gym in her city and also use the one in my town. I`m domesticated as I brought 3 kids up after my wife died. Along with my family she is the most important person in my life. I would willingly cook for two like I do for myself. I feel I have love to give. I was getting concerned that she wasn`t changing anything in her life and loved me being there on her terms. Who was in control there? The reason I got concerned over her friends was I was beginning to wonder if she would have time for me. I want her to have friends. I wanted her to have time for everything, including me. I do understand were you are coming from and it sounds like you wanted your independance. But if a woman wants too much independance then maybe us good men are better being single.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2015): I feel that you have to look closely at what you've written about your part in the relationship when you were together."I got insecure" Read jealous. "I wanted her to put me first in our relationship" Controlling. "She thought I was jealous of her having friends" She was right! "When she thought I didn't care about her". Why would she think this do you think?I was with a man like you for five years who I would have loved to have stayed with, but his ingrained ideas about how women should behave in relationships ruined everything. He was jealous, controlling and in the end you realise that the only thing a man like you cares about in a relationship is himself. Yes, you want this particular woman, but you want her to take care of your needs. She is an individual with a right to a life, that you are not in control of. I think until you understand how your role in this has shaped this relationship, you won't get anywhere, not with her or anyone else. She may well have strong feelings for you that are not over, I did with my ex who I had to leave time and time again before I realised that his attitude was a barrier to any happiness no matter how much I wanted to be with him. Your behaviour is classic; controlling, jealous and destructive to any happiness. Read books on the subject of control and see if you can objectively find yourself in those pages. If you can be honest with yourself, I'm sure you will. I can see it from here, no matter how you've tried to conceal it.If she still wants to remain friends then there is something still there probably, but maybe you could contact her with some positive news about how you're working on yourself. This may get her attention. But please only do this if you're sincere. Don't waste any more of her time if you can't see your role here.
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