A
male
age
51-59,
*azzy
writes:Hi i originally posted here on the 11th july, asking advice as to whether my wife was having an affair. Well 5 months on i have the truth. My wife had an affair for about 6 weeks, she went to hotels for chat and sex and sex in this guys flat above his shop. He was aa asian and 17 years older than her, she never liked asians. She said it was just talking and he led her into bed. Whatever, she says she did this because she thought i was having an affair, and she wanted to hurt me, in her own mind. Before i met my wife she was prominscuous and would sleep with anyone who paid her attention, she had 4 abortions before i knew her, she was 20yrs old when we met.6.5 years we were together, we have two young children. Has i got to know her i didnt like her slutish behaviour and started to pull away when i sensed she may of been upto something, this was around the time our 2nd child was conceived. She now says it was my fault that she had an affair 5 months ago and that i had pushed her back into her sluttish behaviour, because she had gave her all to me. I question this because i feel she never did change in the way she thinks and as a result of this, when i started to suspect her of something around the time our 2nd child was conceived, i pulled away from her emotionally. I believe she first saw me has a meal ticket, i am 14 yrs older than her, and now i have to let go. We are sperated at the moment but i want her back, but for what? I think because the sex was good. While she was having an affair she became pregnant with his child and had an abortion, but she told me it was mine. I confronted her this sunday about the affair that happenned 5 months ago, because i found some phone records that reveal her actions. She told me what she had done.I am in pain, a lot of pain. ps i had an affair 3 months before she did.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 December 2009):
 I think you both put each other up there on the pedestal and you both feel down. Which in all sense is absolutely normal.
Get some counseling or couples therapy - I know it sounds so "psycho-babble" but really you two need it.
A
male
reader, Gazzy +, writes (10 December 2009):
Gazzy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for the replies, we were going to relate and she lied. Then she run off with the kids and stayed in a refuge for a few weeks. I went to relate alone. Now she is back living in a des res apartment.I went to relate the other night she turned up, we went in. It kind of felt i was getting the blame, then i lost my temper and went irrational. What caused the problem in the marriage to begin was when we met she idolised me and put me on a pedestal, she created an illusion of the ideal relationship for herself to get rid of her past, then projected her ideal of me on to me. I could never compete, she wouldnt listen to me for fear of losing this ideal defence of her past, so i drifted from her, i hid part of me away. ( my mistake)She has issues ive tried to help, hopefully she wont run from her actions of this affair has i have forgiven her, she doesnt need to run anymore just face upto what she has done, this is her past repeating itself when her ideals fall down. Thanks
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 December 2009):
Two wrongs don't ever make a right. I don't agree that because you both had an affair it "cancel" each other out. It is JUST TWICE as stupid.
First of all BOTH you and your wife need to OWN your own actions. Stop the blame-game ( Oh it is your fault I cheated..) It is bull-crap. You both cheated because you felt :
a) It was OK
b) What my partner doesnt know won't hurt her/him
c) I can, so I will
If you two want to remain together you need to DEAL with what has happened. I STRONGLY suggest you find a marriage counselor and talk things though with professional help or you two will repeat this pattern in ad nauseum.
Her past should be her past and YOU should have let it go when you married her, so should she.
It is pretty obvious that you both have some serious trust issues and fidelity issues to work though.
She seems to have some severe self esteem issues as well, which might stem from the trauma ( YES it is traumatic) of having those abortions (even the last one). But that is not something YOU can fix, that is on her. You can help her of course but she will have to work on that one herself.
Get help. (even if you do NOT want to stay together) Maybe you will both learn what not to do in your next relationship.
Don't you think you both deserve happiness? Together or apart?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): It is your fault that she cheated? Wow she has more nerve than a bad tooth. Why is it that when a husband cheats on his wife, he is a jerk but when a woman cheats on her husband it is because the husband is a jerk. Just can't win. Change the locks on your house, lock her out of your bank account, get a lawyer, even lie and get a restraining order on her and then divorce her.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (10 December 2009):
But if you also had an affair, then you cancel each other out. Noone can point a finger at the other. She has serious issues but if the only problem you have with her is the affair then you can work it out. If you had also not had an affair then my advice would be different, but perhaps you should both tell each other why you did this to each other. As for her past, there is not much you can do about that. She strikes me as someone who thrives on attention and does not like to be alone. Serious therapy is required for both of you to heal from this but since you are both cheats, you can work it out.
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