A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really would appreciate some help please.I’ve been in a relationship with X for 11months. Bit of background in as brief as possible…Everything was amazing, I felt that happiest and safest ever until her parent found out about our relationship 6 months in, having gone through my e-mails and forced us to split, despite us all hanging round together and the parent saying “your gf would be so lucky” etc.Two months later we patched it up and everything was fine again, but it was like she’d changed. With her parents’ divorce, as well as our forced split her friends who she admitted not too trusting had clearly influenced her during such time for the worse. She began smoking again (despite stopping when she met me, as she expressed I helped her not feel stressed and that’s why she did) and her friends even made her consider drinking (she originally told me she wouldn’t do either due to her beliefs to which I share). We had a massive bust up after she smoked in front of me whilst out one evening, I expressed my shock that she had hidden her intention to become a social smoker and would consider drinking and had changed as I knew she was easily influenced and these people weren’t good, but I did so in a poor way and she re-considered her position again, although this really hurt as I expressed I was depressed having faced harassment at work and I feel she didn’t appreciate that/support me.Come the New Year I told her to leave me alone, hoping she would come running as she knows I never let her down/love her deeply and have never questioned my love for her – instead we didn’t talk for a week until I bumped into her out one night where she’d been drinking with the same friends. She burst into tears and they shouted abuse at me – it was like a nightmare, I couldn’t bear to see her in such state.Having recently quit my job which was making me depressed, I went on vacation in an attempt to move on, but couldn’t. She messaged me whilst away to tell me she missed me/was finding it hard. On my return she called me crying and expressed how much she loves me, wants to make it work, can’t live without me and was sorry things got like they did and we got back together – I can’t not be with her.Everyone told me I deserve better/should move on, but I couldn’t. I love her so much, there are so many positives I’m not able list here, we’ve achieved so much and connect in every way and equally I was wrong to shout at her and for some of the things I said when we argued.It’s so hard, I know I have no right to neither express an opinion on her friends nor control/influence her decision to smoke/drink, however it’s so pain fall seeing such bad people who she expressed she doesn’t trust and are clearly jealous of her pushing her in a direction I never imagined her in – she even admitted she’s choosing to. But it’s not about the actions it’s more a matter of trust, I feel like she hid it? I’ve communicated this to her that I’m going to find it hard to compromise/adjust/accept but will as appreciate that’s what relationships are about, but I can’t deny it, it does bug me. She has done nothing but express that she wants to move on, but says it’s down to me, she feels my defense/barrier is up and that she feels I don’t want her in and she’ll wait as she wants it to work, but it’s so frustrating as that’s the last way I wanted her to feel.I have no doubt about it, I want her and I love her, I would just really appreciate some tips please on how to get over these issues/negativity as I hate it! Everything was so amazing before her parent and later friends interfered, I keep telling myself not to worry that they can’t take her away from me and that I can accept the smoking/drinking…but it’s so hard!I would really appreciate any advice or support you may be able to offer as giving up ISN’T an option and I want to get over this. Thinking about to the first 6 months makes me realise/remember how amazing it was, it just makes me feel bad about all that’s happened and I recognize that it’s my role equally to get that feeling back. Equally, I know I let her control me and I’m not that kind of person – what’s the best way to balance this relationship without opening wounds/causing conflict?Thank you so much in advance.
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at work, depressed, divorce, got back together, jealous, move on Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Absolutely_Maddi  +, writes (22 January 2012):
You have to know that people change, even the ones you love. But that doesn't mean you should give up on them. It sounds like you need to be there for her more than ever, now. But at the same time, try to show her that she's going in the wrong direction. Don't just tell her that she's wrong, be subtle about it. Show her that she can have sober fun. Take her out to dinner and somewhere you both like after, but don't drink. She'll realize it soon enough.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2012): "I love her so much, there are so many positives I’m not able list here"
Don't need to list all the positives, just enough to balance out the many negatives you were able to list.
"I recognize that it’s my role equally to get that feeling back."
You recognize wrong. "That feeling" was a starry-eyed young man infatuated with the illusion of a young woman carrying baggage from her troubled home life.
"I would really appreciate any advice or support you may be able to offer"
Unfortunately can't offer either.
"what’s the best way to balance this relationship without opening wounds/causing conflict?"
There is no "best way" to achieve the impossible. You can't stop her toxic parents and friends from influencing her because you can't stop her from listening to them or believing them.
I can only assume your homelife is equally unhappy, otherwise you wouldn't be so desperate to hang on to something that existed only in your imagination given you haven't stated one specific tangible redeeming quality about her or your relationship while providing much real-life factual evidence otherwise.
Best wishes, can only hope you come to your senses before she causes lasting damage.
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