A
female
age
36-40,
*ovebird1
writes:Hi there,I've got a problem and it looks like this.I am bisexual, I am young and I need my freedom. I've gotten out of a long pretty sexless monogamous relationship and I am not ready to involve myself in some "serious" stuff again.I just want to have affairs! I want good sex with nice people.I tried my best to fall in love with people before wanting to have sex with them, but I don't want to limit myself to this "only you" anymore. There are soo many pretty girls and guys out there.. why shouldn't I enjoy this before I lose my heart again? There are 2 cute men that want to sleep with me, and they are nice and everything, why can't I just have them both? I mean, I plan on being honest, I won't lie to them and say I'm monogamous or anything, I will tell it as it is. And let them choose if they want to start this with me.To me this sounds like a good plan.But all of my friends basically say "don't do it". They say I will get hurt, or hurt the guys, that it's impossible to have great sex without being/falling in love, that it's impossible to have intimacy without commitment etc. And that the guys would probably hope for a relationship even if they agreed on an affair.What do you think? Did you have affairs that worked the way you hoped? I don't want to be a man-eater. I want safe, good fun with no one getting hurt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): Hi Lovebird, would it be possible to have an update on your situation, 2 years on. How did things work out? This is a very interesting question- all the best.
Many Thanks
A
female
reader, lovebird1 +, writes (6 April 2011):
lovebird1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you dear aunts, maybe I can answer some things to make my situation clearer.@janniepeg: maybe you're right and I do associate a lot of bad things with long term relationships. maybe someone will change my mind. but right now just the thought of a normal relationship is too scary. @cerberus: I wanted to try out a swingers club but I doubted if it really takes out the fun out of the seduction part. @trancedrhythmear: I didn't end my relationship recently. But it caused me a lot of pain and maybe there's a sense of bitterness in my post. @RJ101: Yes I think my friends are terribly square, no matter how this whole affair thing turns out. I honestly think they are jealous.@the anonymous writers: I think I need to explore and experiment with lifestyle and relationship, because when I look at the monogamous long term relationships I know.. I don't want to be in them. As a bisexual, freedom loving being, I can't imagine there's no better solution than that. To all: I want to sleep with this specific guy I know. And maybe, later, with another guy I know. Just so that I don't commit myself to the first guy too much. Which might turn out to be a terribly stupid idea. Since I think I've got a crush on mr.specific guy. But I don't want to have a crush. No.No.No. I want to be free. I want to be promiscuous and happy. I don't want to get hurt anymore. I don't want to care. But he's too damn cute. But I just started to enjoy my single life, why stop now for this man who'll probably hurt me because everyone hurts me in the end.. ahh!!!
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female
reader, lovebird1 +, writes (6 April 2011):
lovebird1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey there,Thanks for your advice, although it seems there are a lot of different opinions on this topic. I decided to just try what I like and not think about it too much, since you never know what happens.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): You are getting a lot of bad advice from strangers here. Strangers that are probably just as fucked up as they can be because of what was done to them as children/young adults, and what was not done to/for them as children or young adults.Your friends are your best resource for the moment. Your biggest problem is that you are not 50 years old and can't look back at the wreckage of your life and know what you should not have done.I wish I'd understood this when I was younger. I thought all these folks who were screwing everyone were happy about it all inside of themselves. I know people who've had hundreds of sexual partners, others who have had dozens. I didn't do it, and thought I'd perhaps missed out on something. But, I never did.Now, over half my life gone for sure, I look around and find out that I'm the most content person that I know, seriously, no exceptions. I love sex, really love it, and find that most people my age that I know have ruined their lives with all sort of shit.Following all the casual sex came a multitude of things including guilt, shame, divorces, fragmented families, children who resent them, eating disorders, "food allergies", can't get through a day without taking prescription meds for depression or anxiety, alcoholism and other drug use, suicide attempts, or have turned freaky right wing religious, and the list goes on and on and on.I really must have missed something...I don't have all that pain and regret.If you really want to screw everything that moves, join the crowd, I certainly wanted to as well, seriously, and had opportunities that were so delectable that I turned down. But, wanting to do it versus doing it is something altogether different.Go see a counselor, and find out what happens when you do this. I don't really understand it fully myself, but I don't want to find out by experience.The one thing I found out by experience as I got older is that all the people that told me what a great experience their 20-30's were, with all the sex partners, is that they had all hidden their demons deep, lied about them, and tried to put on a face of "wow, wasn't that all great", when deep down they didn't feel that way.Now, they help build homes, buy cars, and pay college tuition for the kids of counselors and doctors and pharmacists.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): I am someone like you that enjoys sex and lots of it. I am not bi so girls are not what I am looking for. I have found that most men will jump at the chance of having sex with a good looking girl and although some will look for future dates most can deal with a one night stand. Married men are a good bet if you are looking for a sexual experience without attachment. You do not need to be in love with a man to have great sex. You should consider threesomes (2 men and you) or a gang bang. I have done both multiple times and am glad I experienced this even though most of my girlfriends told me not to do it. Anyway the choice is totally yours to make. Listen to your girlfriends and then ignore their advice and do what you want.
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (3 April 2011):
 I think some people probably can do this - and think of porn stars - they have fun - and do a lot of stuff. And then go home to their spouses (or so one hears).
You might be one of the less common women who can sleep with lots of people and not have a problem. It is a bit of a wild thing to do, though, and I suspect there will come a point where suddenly it all seems horrible to you and you wish you hadn't done it, and then you will dive into a monogamous relationship and try to deny/forget what you did. Probably/possibly.
More men can do this. I have a relative, male, who split up with his long term girlfriend and then spent six months arranging at least 10 dates a week for himself, and sleeping with most of them. He rarely went back to the same person twice. And then it was out of his system, and he stopped.
Maybe you need to do this. You obviously feel you do. But for sure it will have some consequences, and those probably emotional, and for you. There are other dangers, too, but those are more physical.
Sounds kinda risky to me. Put it this way, I wouldn't do it myself, and I wouldn't want my daughter to do it. No way.
But it's your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): Okay, so your friends are pretty much full of crap.You can have sex with multiple people and enjoy it as often as you want, without having to join a swinger club, etc. You don't have to have sex with one person and that's it. Traditional relationships have a low, low, low, low, 10 minutes later... LOW success rate. They are unsuccessful, not because they are monogamous and your relationships won't be successful because you are poly-amorous. You are going to have a successful relationship, because you don't follow set guidelines and rules that predict how you are going to have to act. You are going to have a successful relationship, IF you do what works for you! What do you see as a great set up. Well, you want to test the waters. You want to date multiple people while still being safe and honest. Great! There is nothing wrong with that. That is actually more safe than having unprotected sex with a single partner that you know is not cheating on you.When did they last have sex vs when they last got tested? Were they unprotected with their last gf that they broke up with? Do they get STD tests after every partner? Do they wait six months before going out with someone again? After all, the HIV and all other viruses take up to six months to become detectable. Point being that from a safety and happiness standard, protected sex with two or three partners in an uninhibited environment is much better than unprotected sex with a partner you trust after two, three, four, or five months.Use all necessary precautions and barriers, but live your life and do what you, not others, think is right, as long as you are honest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): If that's what you want at the moment, go for it. Some people aren't ready to fall in love and just want fun while they're young. Honesty is key here though - you need to be honest with those you have sex with, and they need to be honest with you to save you from being hurt. It is possible to have good sex with someone and not fall in love - it's when it becomes a regular occurrance that you may start to struggle - no one falls in love with a "one night stand". As long as you are careful, there's no harm. Your friends are being protective of you and it's obviously not something they would do. But everyone is different so do what you want as long as you DO know what you are doing :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): Hey there!I sense a great deal of frustration and perhaps anger in your post and enough of it where I feel it could be driving your decision making. In my opinion, this could cloud judgment and possible regrets down the road. I want to assume you recently ended a relationship and thats why the strong emotion here. Id take a little more time and let the dust settle and wounds heal a bit before you completely decide on this, just to make sure you feel confident in going forth with whatever lifestyle you choose to engage in.Regards
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): It doesn't work the way you want it to. Your friends are right it's far too risky to what you propose the way you propose to do it.If you really want to try this out then do it under controlled circumstances. Join a swingers group or club and go to a swinger party and try it out with people who are *definitely* only interested in casual sex. These people usually come with medical certs saying they're clean (normally that's a requirement of joining), they also will be able to show you the rules of swinging (yes there are rules). Not only that but these parties are safe, You're not allowed to get drunk, you're not going to hurt any guys or girls because they'll be with their partners and they've signed up for this. Plus there's always a big need for single girls at these parties.Go try one of these out. That way you can try it and see if it really is what you want or will you just not enjoy it without the emotional attachment. OP very often the idea of casual sex is better than the act itself, especially when it's for the reasons you want to do it. You want the fun of a relationship without the emotional trauma of your last relationship, that kind of thing is far too risky with guys that are interested in you.OP you should listen to your friends, they no you better than you know yourself. They want to protect you and for some reason they think you're going to get hurt by this so don't do it. Try the swingers thing, see if you like it. If you don't like it then you'll know then, you can stop at any time with no emotional consequences and people won't be pissed at you for stopping either. Try swingers and see if you like it. Be safe though and do some research. Try a reputable swingers club there are lots of good ones in Germany and the people that swing are really nice too.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 April 2011):
 Whenever you exchange bodily fluids, you absorb their karmic energy and history, so you have to be careful with who you deal with. Whether you believe in karma as a real thing or not, sex is to be enjoyed with the least amount of harm as possible. There is no harm in casual sex if it's consensual and you understand there will be no expectations. Sometimes rules are meant to be broken. "I don't want a relationship" has become a classic line. You expect to hear that with everyone you see nowadays. I have been hurt and have hurt people. People learn from experiences. It's a hit or miss whether it would develop into a relationship. I had been divorced from a man I was not attracted to. I explored, and not long after found a man I want. With passionate, satisfying sex, the desire for other people is tamed. The curiosity for other people is there, but it's not a dire, desperate need anymore. After a while, no attachment sex becomes empty and meaningless. There are people who come here asking questions on what to do because sex loses its purpose. When you withhold a part of yourself, you can't give your all and sex becomes a half assed experience. So your purpose of an affair is achieved if you can realize that. You also learn that you have associated negative things in a relationship that's not necessary. You can have it all in a relationship.
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