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female
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*osephine
writes: I would like a 3rd child, ( I have 2 from my previous relationship, he has no biological children) but my husband is happy with my two, in fact we are in progress of him adopting them) For a year and a half now I have been talking to him about it but to no avail, any ideas how to convince him to go for it? I am 29 and he is 31. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): I am 35 yr old a male running my company, and I fully agree with the views of PeteTTT. The only difference is in my case, my wife is not very keen on a child as of now, and prefers my company than that of a child we don't even know today.
Deep down, bearing a child is biologically programmed in a woman, just like mating with multiple woman is programmed in a male. Our society blocks the male program, but allows the female program.
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female
reader, melly2803  +, writes (2 November 2010):
Dear readers,
After reading a number of posts i have seen a real mix in the bag. I am a mature 21 year old female and got married a few months ago. I have been with my husband for 4 and half years now and always knew i wanted children with him. Im fed up of people saying your so young plenty of time to have kids(if only i felt this way!) Now im married the desire to have children has become stronger! i work next door to mothercare so when im in my fulltime job i constantly feel heartache as every other woman is pregnant or has children.To make it worse my husband is a commercial diver so he works away alot in such a dangerous job, this leaves me alone alot of the time, and this desire gets worse, i just want some responsibility now! Ive talked about it with him it just turns into silent treatment or arguments i feel desperate and that my life is spiralling out oof control into a sad place i want my marriage to work but i dont know how to move on knowing he doesnt want children yet...my sisters were both married and had a baby at my age and did it together..im very alone ...help!
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reader, mtbutterflyrose  +, writes (18 August 2010):
I am currently in the exact situtation. My husband is 36 im 31 he is adopting my 2 girls ages 7 & 9. We have been together for 6 years. Even his family is tring to get me to just decieve him and get off the pill and just have a baby, to of which I WILL NOT DO. I want a baby with him and im fearing that he and i are reaching the ages of bad to have kids (down syndrome ect). I just want to know: How did it go with him adopting your kids and did he ever give in on having a baby with you? Im going through the I want a baby stage so bad that i started buying baby stuff. and he says maybe one day but it almost seems like he is just leading my hopes just to be dissapointed later.
Please tell me how your story ended or if it ever did?
thanks so much
Kristie
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male
reader, PeteTTT +, writes (5 May 2009):
I'm in a similar but not identical position to that of your husband, I've been with my partner for nearly two years and she'd always imagined she'd have children. I told her on the first date that I didn't ever want them and have maintained that ever since. My reasons for not having children are many - Fears about not being a good father (mine was terrible) and putting another human being through the unhappiness this causes - no inclination towards providing emotionally for a child - the loss of time spent alone with my partner and the intimacy I share with my partner, the huge expense of a child and the knock on effects on opportunities to travel, working towards other ambitions or acheiving financial security and lastly - The environment and the future, does the world really need more people in it and is this the world I want to be bringing a new life into? Obviously, my answer to both of the latter is a resounding no.
However, I do understand my girlfriend's yearning for a family of her own, it is something she grew up believing she would have one day, she considered not having children for the first year of our relationship but it made her very unhappy and now she's approaching 31 she feels the weight of time upon her. I know that I can't realistically expect her not to have children, she would make a wonderful mother, she's kind, considerate, gentle and incredibly patient. The same qualities make her a wonderful partner, she's the sweetest, most honest woman I've ever met and I love her dearly.
I've told her my points of view in full and she's told me hers, I yearn for the love of a partner and this is enough to make me feel fulfilled, I would consider children as being an unwelcome intrusion into my life. I'm a good uncle and enjoy the company of my neice and nephews but am always grateful to get back to my life after a visit and enjoy all of the pleasures of independent adulthood. I'm entirely convinced that a child needs two loving parents who are 100% committed to providing for it's needs and who both really wanted it. To have children when I feel so negative about them would be cruel to the child and the child is the only individual who has no say in the whole matter of it's creation.
My girlfriend's colleagues and friends have recently started getting pregnant and bearing children and I've seen a step change in her. Put simply I'm incapable of fulfilling her needs and am left with only one stark option. Right now we're on a two week break from seeing each other (her decision) and I desperately hope that there's some way for us to work through this but sadly I don't think there is. There is only one thing I can realistically do if, in a fortnight, she still decides that being a mother is an unquencheable desire in her; I'll have to leave her and let her find the right man to have children with.
I know that my situation is different from your husband's in that there are already children in your relationship but I just wanted to offer a male perspective. I hate myself right now for not being able to be the man my girlfriend needs but I know that if I have children I'll be miserable and worried and that wouldn't help a child or my partner.
Good luck in resolving your problem, I'm sorry I could be of little help in suggesting solutions.
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reader, Together  +, writes (5 September 2008):
I understand everyones frustration as I to would love another baby to my husband. Our situation is a little different tho, I got together with my husband when my little girl was 8months old. Biologically she is not my husbands but I was abandoned by her biological father and my husband has been their since she was a baby and has even taken guardianship of her. She doesn't no any different as the biolocial father has never wanted anything to do with her. She is now 6yrs old and we have had another baby girl together her is 19months old. I have talked and talked to my husband and he doesn't want a third he is happy with the two beautiful girls we have. I am happy two but in the back of my mind I would love to have two biologicaly with him??? Then I think well he's happy so why shouldn't I be, I feel selfish even feeling this way... is it just my excuse to want another baby or and I just a baby person and even if I was to have another would I want more after that.... I dont think I would. We have decided not to have a third but still in the back of my mind would jump at the chance if he even slightly chanced his mind. But he never would. The hardest part is that there seems to be so many people around me at the moment that are getting pregnant and it seems so unfair!! Some are having their fourth... And most of them don't earn as much as we do either (as my husband has said it is expensive after you have more than two, holidays, airfairs) and I can see them do and think well surely we can to.... How do I get rid of these feelings to get past it and lead a happy life with my two beautiful girls and great husband!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): Hi there, I'm 25 and my husband is about to turn 25 in a few weeks. We've been married for just over 2 years. Ever since I turned 21 I've had this overwhelming desire to have children. My husband and I both want kids, but he feels that he will have no more fun, and no more sex (I'm sure that's the biggie for him) if we have kids. He wants them, but just wants to wait a few more years. I don't want to wait. I want them now, I've wanted them for years.
The reason for this post is to answer how to convince him.
I used to always point out babies, the little cloths, talk about how wonderful it would be to have a mini me or a mini "hubby" running around, how cute the tiny shoes were and so on. I thought that I talked about it so much that it kind of annoyed him.
Well I got to the point where I just didn't want to even think about having kids. It was tourcher to me being told no, lets wait, not yet. I told him this one day, crying on the phone, and he said that makes him sad because he was really starting to like the idea of having kids soon. That all of my excitment got him excited!
Not that he wants them this second, but much sooner than he had planned. I was so happy to hear that.
So maybe thats it. After all husbands want thier wives to be happy right (if anything just so they wont be bithcy towards them). So if everytime you talk about having kids your face lights up and your in a good mood and u get all excited, it will get him excited.
It might not have you popping out babies tomorrow, but it will definately get your foot in the door with the hubby. Always make it a happy conversation, never an arguement.
Hope this helps.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): When I met my husband 9 years ago, he told me he never wanted children, at the time I didn't either.I am now 32 and sadly my biological clock has started ticking and I want a baby, I also have PCOS so I can't really wait much longer as I may need fertility treatment etc. We have discussed it ALOT and he still says absolutely not. It's an awfull situation, I love him to pieces and would never leave him but it's a no win situation, if he says yes then he's doing something he doesn't want, and if I agree to stay childless he's asking me to give up my chance of being a mum. I'm really torn and it's starting to get me down.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): ladies I'm in the reverse roll of you and can use your advice. It's not always the man's decision. when i met my wife i had 2 great kids from a previous marriage. i wasnt sure i wanted kids but my wife wanted 2 of her own. I kept an opened mind on it and became not only used to the idea but happy with it. we had 1 child and agreed to wait on the second so they would be 3 years apart. then became wanting the 1st pottie trained and now i hear im just not ready maybe soon. Now after all has happened i find myself feeling kind of hurt as now i want another child. what should i say when she feels the time is never right.feeling decieved
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2008): Hi im in a similar situation im 24 and i have pcos (polycystic ovary syndrome) and no children yet, and my husband is 26, we have been married for 5 years when we first met he said he didn’t want kids but I automatically assumed he would change his mind. i have been trying to convince him for the last 2 years to have a child but he insists that he doesn’t want kids even though i have had many discussions with him about it and he said that he doesn’t want kids right now but suddenly he changes his mind to i don’t want kids he said he says it to keep me happy and off his back and it not like i constantly nag him i bring it u every now an then, What to do? talking isn’t helping if anyone has any advice i would appreciate it.
Thanks
Anonymous
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007): I was married young and had a "pushed" marriage. Our so called marriage lasted 4 kids and 17 years with the youngest being 10 and the others 21,19 and 17.
After being divorced for 6 years, I am now married to a wonderful man that has a 22 year old son. Though I am 42 and he is 39, I want so much to have a child with him. The desire is even stronger than when I was young wanting children. It'so heartbreaking to me that he doesn't want anymore. He says we are too old, or we won't have money for retirement etc....
I don't think men grasp how we women feel about this. Its an ache inside that only those who want children can relate to. It tears me up almost daily thinking about it. How do you lose the desire?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2006): hi there i wish i only had the answer for you but i dont. i'm in much the same position myself. i have 2 kids from a previous relationship and my husband has 2 kids also. i'd love nothing more than 2 have our baby but he's not for it, plus he has had a vasectomy so it would mean that getting reversed. the hurt you suffer when they say no is heart breaking. but i've tried everything and he wont change his mind, i suppose u have 2 except his decision or if its to painful move on. i dont think men look at having children like women do. all he says is he doent want anymore kids and all i try 2 say 2 him is it's not just another child i want its a child of our own
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2006): Josephine, In response to your question, i'm not saying he will never change his mind. BUT, if people decide not to have children, they've usually thought about it a lot before coming to the decision. As it's seen as being unusual not to want kids, i believe that anyone who admits to this is serious about it.Add to that the other issues like money, time, space, your relationship etc, and you have lots of valid reasons not to extend your family. What are your valid reasons for extending it? Just because you 'want to'? I'm not criticising you at all, just suggesting you seriously think about why you want this. I do believe that many people have children without thinking it through properly. Of couse you will have to discuss it all with your OH; it is a 2-person decision after all.Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2006): Joesephine, I understand your frustrations in wanting this child. But..in a strong marriage, having a baby has to do with the unification of two people in a solid, good, equal marriage making a monumental, life-altering decision "together" and reaching a mutual agreement. This has absolutely nothing to do with his male power, his ego in having the ultimate decision. A marriage is 'not' a competition to see who can 'best' each other or who has the final word. Having a baby is not like stepping out and buying a new car, where you both can't decide on a color and you finally cave in a let him have his way and then feel resentful of that. This is a living, breathing new human being..a monumental , profound responsibility that will require, not just you... but your husband to give that child the most happiest, solid life you both can muster up. And it takes two--every child born needs to have a mother and a father who deeply loves and commits to that child. It matters not that you bring home a paycheque. Just because you contribute doesn't give you the right to go ahead and make the decision to have a baby, without his consent. Therefore, I would recommend you look at your behavior and realize that it's just "your needs" that are making you feel this should be just a unilateral decision and that's unfair to your husband, because a child will affect his life, deeply as well. Think of the baby. And think of your marriage and how you can enable yourself to stop treating your relationship like a 'competition' where he always gets his way. The true mark of a mature person is when they fully realize that big decisions like this need to be decided together. Your baby needs two solid, unified parents married and committed to each other. Before you can have a baby, you need a husband who will totally and willingly commit to helping you raise this baby and will commit to that. Any other option is third-rate and not good enough for any baby.
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reader, snowbird  +, writes (31 August 2006):
 Could one of his fears be that once he holds his very own 'flesh and blood' child in his arms, that he thinks, rightly or wrongly, that it could create a shift in his affections and love for your two?..Just a random thought, something else to throw into the 'mix', to consider..
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reader, stina +, writes (31 August 2006):
 Hello Josephine,Both parties have to want to become parents. It's really unfair of anyone to force parenthood on anyone else, don't you think? So that's why the decision lies with him for now. You yourself said "I think the hardest thing is that I know it wouldnt be practical for many reasons." So even though you bring in a full time wage, as he does, it really sounds like you aren't ready. So, knowing that and knowing that your guy doesn't want to have kids right now will give the both of you time to think this through even more and save money. When you are ready financially, perhaps your husband will feel different.He is also probably trying to get used to the fact that he will legally be the father of your children, which would be a huge step for anyone. Let him get used to the fact that he is a father now, and maybe seeing these children grow up will make him want to have his own biological kids with you. I can imagine that there is a lot going through his mind right now, so even he can't be 100% sure what he really wants (regardless of what the anonymous poster thinks).Just give it time - discuss it occasionally (don't bring it up too often. Let him think about it on his own. You don't make him think you are nagging him, do you?) and save money for what might come to be.Take care.
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reader, Josephine +, writes (31 August 2006):
Josephine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo add, Irish 59, why does the decision have to lie with him? Always the man who gets to make the ultimate decision, I bring in a full time wage just like him.
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reader, Josephine +, writes (31 August 2006):
Josephine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers girls, much appreciated. In response to anonymous, how do you know he wont change his mind? In response to Irish 49, thanks, I think the hardest thing is that I know it wouldnt be practical for many reasons, but this urge deep down inside keeps niggling away at me and rear's it's head. I'm hoping this will go away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2006): This man is 31 years old; i'm sure he has a fair idea of who he is by now! Why is it always assumed that a person who doesn't want to have children doesn't know their own mind? Or that they will change it 'someday'?This guy sounds like a wonderful father to the two existing children; he is happy with life as it is. If he changes his mind later (but i bet he doesn't!) then you can discuss the matter again. It takes two people to decide to have a child, but only one to decide against it. Or at least it should in a good relationship. Respect your partner and his wishes, be happy with the wonderful life you have now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2006): Dear, there is no magic formula that anyone can tell you to convince him to change his mind. He has to get there, all by himself. And it sounds like you fully acknowledge that bringing a new baby into the household is a 'couple' decision not the overuling choice of one partner (you). My best recommendation is to lovingly sit with your husband and voice your thoughts and feelings on this. Then you sit back and really listen hard to his thoughts...to his reservations and concerns. There could be a number of reasons why he doesn't want a new baby. Finanacial contraints could be the biggest concern, especially if you work and contribute to household costs. Having a baby could mean ...time off work for you, less family income, eventual added daycare/ child rearing etc. Men look at the 'whole' picture..they are more practical. They look at the sacrifices that will have to be made. So you both need to find a way to the same page on this decision. My advice to both of you is to put your needs first, and your wants second. If he's still relunctant, you may have to be content with the two wonderful kids you already have and take pride in the fact, that he's a wonderful Dad to them. I do have to add though...I know of many guys who were initially reluctant, sorta uncomfortable about becoming fathers. Particularly if it is something they convinced themselves would never happen, in their life. But I did witness them becoming the most loving and caring Dads, once that new little bundle of joy came into their life with many of them admitting 'the wonderful blessing and joy becoming a Dad really truely was'. So just talk, communicate...don't nag, whine or complain. If he's persists in not wanting this, you will no choice but to accept and respect his decision, dear. Good luck.
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